Suggested Supreme Court Nominees
During a fifteen minute breather from smoking out terrorists, President Bush took time to share his latest thoughts on Justice Sandra Day O’Connor’s highly anticipated substitution. Bush hinted he is open to considering non-judges for the vacant seat on the highest court in the United States. It’s not every day a seat on the Supreme Court opens up, so Bush better make sure he picks the right person for the job.
With Rehnquist checking into a hospital with a high fever, his health might push force him to Florida. Another seat will open soon. This only doubles Bush’s burden to find the right candidates for the top of the judicial branch.
Bush’s interest in nominating individuals with no judicial experience borrows a page from his own political resume. The Commander-in-Compassion himself went from political novice to governor of Texas to president in the span of a few years with nothing but a nice letter of recommendation from his Daddy.
Since his choices may lack job experience, any nominees he puts forward better be impressive. Otherwise the Senate may actually use its constitutional “advise and consent” powers.
“Bush’s brain,” deputy chief of staff Karl Rove, is currently tied up in an investigation looking at him as the probable source for the media leak exposing the wife of Bush critic, and former Iraqi Ambassador, Joseph Wilson as an undercover CIA Agent. Oops, it happens to violate a law Bush Sr. pushed forward to use against liberal journalists looking too closely at shady CIA activities, like government toppling, in the third world.
I love the irony. A law passed by conservatives to silence whistle-blowers, may be used against a conservative taking revenge on a whistle-blower. They have made so many politically-motivated laws in the past, practically everyone in Washington DC breaks the law on a daily basis.
If Rove, Bush’s master-mind operative, is busy writing poetry on jailhouse toilet paper, Bush could be short-handed in a battle over nominations. Rove is normally the one in the trenches for Bush. If the protracted struggle over Bush’s nomination for UN Ambassador, UN-hater John Bolton, is any hint of things to come, it will be long and bloody.
Too avoid a drawn-out, ideological battle, I would like to suggest a list of strong “non-judge” candidates who are such exceptional human beings, no one could oppose them. After all, George Bush has so much on his plate, trying to create democracies everywhere, develop Africa, and spread hope and compassion to people. How could he think about trivial matters like this.
Here is my esteemed short-list:
1. Saddam Hussein — Bush wants a strong-minded, but pragmatic, conservative. This is of course would require someone telling Saddam he has to resign as Iraq’s “legal” President. Maybe his old oil buddies could throw him this favor and lobby Senators who may object to a foreigner whose country was too weak to have any weapons of mass destruction at all.
2. Jacko — Since Michael Jackson has spent so much time in court, he knows as well as anyone what a judge does on the job. Judge Scalia could come by his place for a sleep over. Heck, he could be the new Bubbles.
3. The Governator — George could preempt a future, post-constitutional amendment challenge to Jeb, or Laura, or some future Bush president lurking in the woodwork. This could be controversial with Republicans given Arnie’s soft views on Abortion. Inside sources say he developed his pro-choice position after playing a pregnant man in ‘Junior.
4. John Bolton — He looks hot in a black robe… and he would be a crappy UN ambassador anyways.
5. Clarence Thomas — Okay, he’s on the court already, but hey, he is a non-judge. Plus, this would double the Uncle Tom-ratio on the bench. Bush could use this to show the world how much he loves minorities who agree with him on all issues – especially those that involve screwing other minorities.
6. Judge Judy — She has huge ratings already with the key white trash demographic — an important Bush constituency. Plus, she has experience in the types of cases that usually appear in front of the Supreme court.
7. Jesus Christ — Bush’s admitted favorite political philosopher — who of course was a non-violent, anti-Empire ascetic (sounds like a typical Republican, right?!?!?). Plus, according to Bush, Jesus Christ has infinite experience being close to the highest judge of all. Amen
8. George Bush himself – This would make it less likely that the Court continues to strike down all the anti-terrorism legislature he worked so hard to promote. It would put him one away from being the judge, jury, and executioner. Forget checks and balances, anyways. It hurts national security. Plus everyone knows Cheney and Rove do all the work at the White House anyways. The one down-side: this would mean less time at the Ranch. Maybe he could just clear brush from around the Court instead.
9. NBA Commissioner, David Stern — He has good experience over-punishing Black men for menial offences — the key to any judge’s work.
10. P. Diddy – So he could make “Vote or Die” the law of the land. It is just the type of message Bush sends the Arab world: Democratize or we’ll blow you up!
