CONGRATULATIONS IRAQ! (Plus: KABOBers too hungover to cover Asian Cup final)

We will have to provide you with secondary coverage of Iraq's stunning 1-nil defeat of Saudi Arabia until further notice.

• IRAQ: I hope Bush doesn't take credit for this one again
• SAUDI ARABIA: It was the dark-color uniforms' fault because we had to dress for the match in traditional green jerseys as opposed to the white ones we wore while winning matches on the way to the final...
• U.S. DEFENSE DEPARTMENT TO SAUDI ARABIA: Crying into your $20 billion weapons will make them rust
• YOUNIS MAHMOUD TO BUSH: You and me, all-or-nothing penalty shoot out for Iraq
• TIME: Don't kid yourself, Iraq: you're still not a real country
• J.K. ROWLING: I couldn't bear to kill Arthur Weasley
• FAITH HILL: Get your hands off my man's balls!
• BEYONCE: *kerplunk*
• USHER: My mom says I can't marry you

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