Israel frees 250 Palestinian prisoners in time for Harry Potter launch

In a calculated move to harden the divide between Hamas and Fatah, Israel freed more than 250 of Fatah’s prisoners several hours before the seventh and final installment of the Harry Potter series went on sale. In a statement outside the Ketziot prison camp in the Negev, Fatah leader Mahmoud Abbas said, "I am pleased about the positive stock projections in my Scholastic Inc shares (SCHL)–I mean, uh...... yes. I'm sorry. Here is the correct speech. 'I am pleased about the positive lives the freed prisoners can now begin to lead... by learning the fate of Harry Potter together with their families.'"

Indeed, it is now early Saturday morning in Israel, and in a shameless desecration of the holy Shabbat, the sale of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is in full swing. Israel's bookstores have opened their doors on this holiest of seven days to break open the seventh and final seal of the seventh book of J.K. Rowling’s seven revelations.

At exactly 2:01 a.m. Jerusalem time, "the truth" was revealed.

KABOBfest has learned of this truth. On the ground is investigative reporter/speed-reader Chaim Sugarman, who has finished the book in a record – you guessed it – seven minutes. In a furiously typed series of text messages to the KABOBteam, a highly distraught Chaim describes the apocalyptic details:

• The rumors are true, friends! Our beloved Harry does die. He falls off his broom after being hit with 10,000 rounds of IDF gunfire while attempting to retrieve a Quidditch pitch over Gaza’s restricted airspace.
  


• The rivalry between Gryffindor and Slytherin gets bloody when Israel announces support for Voldemort, heir of Slytherin, as Hogwarts' righteous leader. With U.S. backing, a puppet regime is installed until Voldemort’s body is found completely obliterated in that locked room in the Department of Mysteries only three chapters later.
  
  
• The power vacuum is quickly filled by Gryffindor and their leader Dumbledore - who yes, is still alive! Unfortunately, as the most astute readers had suspected, Dumbledore is no savior either. Professor McGonagall quickly learns Dumbledore has a disgusting dogmatic agenda, no diplomatic tact, and no gripes against breaking law and tradition in order to impose his views on the general wizard community.
  


• Percy does not get married after all. He, too, dies a brutal death when his wedding is interrupted by a hail of bullets from the Israeli settlement across the street killing a total of 9, and injuring 27.
  


• Sick of the violence, a reformed Snape leaves the wizard lifestyle and chooses the seemingly simpler life as an olive grove farmer in Jenin. He quickly falls in love with a local girl and before we can turn the page has gotten married. But not even two paragraphs later while honeymooning, Snape and his bride are tragically killed in a raid.
  


• After a freshwater underground lake is discovered at Hogwarts, the school is mysteriously charged with "not having a proper building permit." It, and a protesting Ron Weasley, are soon demolished under a D9 armored Caterpillar bulldozer.
  


• After completing her healing studies at St. Mungo's, Hermione heads home but gets stuck at Rafah crossing for the remainder of the book. We don't hear from her again until the last chapter when it is revealed that while we were gone, she decided to get pregnant and gave birth to a baby muggle while straddling the Egypt/Gaza boundary. The baby's citizenship problems are not resolved by the end of the book. Future Hermione spin-off series?