Single female, 29, seeking a free Palestine

Throughout my life I have had what can only be described as series of one night stands with the languages of French, Italian, Yucatec, Farsi, and Mam. No... that's not true. French and I were together in high school for two years, throughout which I was referred to as Eleanor. But French and I never fell in love. It was two years of a meaningless, meaningless relationship -- and I do mean meaningless.

I'm 29 now, and according to my friend Alexis' dad, 29 year-olds are supposed to settle down already, and that there's something wrong with us if we don't. Of course, he's completely wrong. Totally wrong. We're not even 29, actually. We're 25.

But if I must make a committment (is that how you spell committment?), I think that spending the rest of my life with a language that might lead to the freeing of Palestine would best serve my immediate purposes. (And I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life before that occurs -- I'm only 25.)

Last week, I enrolled in beginning Arabic. So far it's lust, but I think I see a future. My professor asked that I pick out a language-appropriate name. Apparently, QuiQui doesn't mean anything in Arabic, so I'm not allowed to use it. This is an outrage. At least in Tagalog QuiQui means "vagina."

So my Arabic name is Kifah. Isn't it beautiful? The KABOBers helped pick it out. They said it means "struggle." I wonder why didn't they just name me Jihad? It later occured to me that maybe kifah did not mean "struggle" and that they were playing a joke on me and that I'd unsuspectingly introduce myself to a class full of first-year undergraduates as "Hi, my name is loser" or something. I didn't know! I was going to be like one of those stupid kids with the tattoo in the Chinese letters who thinks it says "Strength" but says something else like "I am an imbecile." I could see this happening with Kifah. Believe it or not, the KABOBers like to fuck with people sometimes. I had to verify it with the professor.

Yesterday, I read somewhere that Arabic is the 4th most widely spoken language in the world after Mandarin, English and Spanish. I find this to be a pretty interesting tidbit seeing that I'm fluent in English and Spanish. If I knew Mandarin, I'd be able to communicate with over one third of humanity. That would be cool. And I could finally get that tattoo.

But I've never had the desire to learn Mandarin, even while I was in China -- even while I was in the part of China where no international tourists ever visited and no one knew a lick of English. I have no idea how I got around. But still, no desire to learn.

See, I keep hearing Mandarin is ridiculously difficult and that I can probably learn five other languages in the time it'll take just to learn that one. (Although Fayyad just told me that someone told him that Arabic is proving to be just as challenging as Mandarin which I hope isn't going to be true for me.)

They say that the best way to become fluent in a language is to live in a place where they speak it a lot. I agree. Living in the U.S. is how I learned English, after all. That, and by watching a lot of "Three's Company" between the ages of seven and nine -- man that was one nasty, nasty show. I didn't realize that until a few years ago. I can't believe my mom let me watch that!

So, in my desire for Arabic fluency I have decided to move to Egypt next year; if anything, it would be nice to be able to understand all of the dirty Arabic shit that Nadeem sends around the KABOBfest listserv, without having to bother my 72 year-old Lebanese neighbor with translating.

Oh, I'm so lying. I don't even have a 72 year-old Lebanese neighbor. He's 21, and actually loves any excuse to talk dirty to the older woman across the hall that he could never have but has lusted over for the past two years so the next best thing is to pretend a little so keep sending them over habibi, he says.

So it occurs to me (I don't know why) to go on the Cairo Craigslist to see if I can start befriending someone over there seeking a trade in Arabic for English, or Arabic for Spanish, or Arabic for salsa lessons. So upon a keyword search of "Arabic," I come across two items. The first is a post announcing that a lonely and allegedly athletic, allegedly good-looking foreigner, 31, is seeking a woman to fuck:

English speaking female sought - 31
Hi there, i am a foreigner currntly residing in Cairo.It can get lonely at times for a non arabic speaker in a city lke Cairo. I am of atheletic build, considered good looking, but most importantly know how to treat a lady right. So if you're adventurous with a good sense of humour and fancy some no strings attached fun drop me a line. Egyptains females speaking english are more than welcome to respond to this ad as well, discretion assured.

And then there's the American woman, 44, seeking to bribe a dark male (preferrably one with the Egyptian nose) with promises of a green card in exchange for true love:

american woman looking for egyptian man for ltr - 44
i am a 44 yr old american woman who seeks an egyptian spouse from egypt or usa. I love egyptians, especially those who have darker colored skin and hair, and a beautiful egyptian nose. I am looking for someone between the ages of 35-46 who is kind, hardworking, honest, treats me like a lady, and would be interested in coming to the usa to be my spouse. I am looking for true love, so men just looking for a green card need not apply. Must be educated, speak english, and love american women. I myself am tall, blond and blue eyed, educated, kind, hardworking, trustworthy and devoted. I am a good cook when it comes to arabic food, love the music and language, and want to learn arabic. Masalam and izzayak.

Okay. New plan. Maybe I need to be more specific about the type of friendship I'd like to spark. So I think about the shit that's always on my mind. Hmmm... what's the first keyword that pops into my head?

Would I be too specific by typing in something like "Palestine?" Apparently, yes. No search results. Palestine doesn't exist. Golda Meir is has been reincarnated as the Cairo Craigslist, everybody.

Fine. I type in a less specific yet to-the-point yet sappy ass search string: "make a difference in the world" and holy shit! I actually get a result:

looking 4 billionaire boyfriend/companion/lover and partner - 40
hello. i m looking for someone I can grow with. I am also a dad of a son..and he is number one. If U R a gay dad, cool for me..I m in need of help, and I m hoping u LL see my vision. I m not a usder, b ut a lover. I want to make a difference in the world..and I need U to meet me and see my vision. i m hoping u can come to America..and meet me.

I m all about love..ande seeing if we can grow as a couple. I m hoping to be the next well-known gay couple like Elton and his mate.
Hope to meet U soon..and we can talk more outside of this box.

Male Evita

Well, it's always nice to hear that even the gay guys with the spoiled kids looking to marry the billionaire gay guys want to change the world in the process. It's stuff like this that continues to give me hope. Or rather, continues to give me raja.