I used to laugh every time I heard about how Barak Hussein Obama is a secret Muslim (by the way does the average American know the middle name of John Edwards, Mike Huckabee or John McCain?). No more. After watching the “Yes, We Can!” video for his campaign I was struck by how many secret Muslims there really are. After all, Tatyana Ali, Kareem Abdul-Jabar, Common (aka Lonnie Rashid Lynn), Aisha Tyler and Hamra’ bin Yahya (aka Scarlet Johansson) all appear in the video (plus, you can’t tell me you didn’t think Nicole Scherzinger wasn’t Arab the first time you saw her). Perhaps it is actually the secret Muslims who have been controlling the media all along and they now have their sights set on the highest office in the USA. I am not alone, lots of Americans know the truth!
It was then that I realized that I too am a secret Muslim. Crap, this ain’t gonna end well, is it?
I am now scared that I may do physical harm to my sister for not wearing hijab. At least I won’t be alone. I can only imagine how many of my African-American and Latino friends are probably secret Muslims too! The reveal will be quite interesting. I am imagining something like the final episode of Battlestar Galactica’s last season when several of the shows heroes realize they are in fact Cylons, an evil similarly monotheistic robot race, and not humans. Well, except that I bet we will have a handshake. Definitely gotta have a handshake with my secret Muslim buddies.
As I ruminate here I can only imagine just how many of us are in fact secret Muslims. Are mathematicians suspect due to their love of al-gebra and al-gorithims? I am scared I am going to find myself in a room with General John Abizaid and Scooby Doo (voiced by Druze-secret-Muslim-Arab-American Kasey Kassem), plotting the overthrow of the US Government. Of course all this talk makes me realize my limits. If I found myself in a room with fellow secret Muslims Sarah Shahi and Nadia Ali I would gladly do just about anything join the conspiracy. There is even grave danger if Hillary Clinton wins, in the form of her okay- now-I-am-interested-in-politics-secret-Muslim-aide Huma Abedin. Can I get a mashallah! (holy crap it has begun already!)
I better go, I need to go work on my secret Muslim fantasy basketball team. Rasheed Wallace and Mehmet Okur are due for big games tonight.
(By the way, this is actually all old news. My real fear now is that Obama, Clinton, McCain and Huckabee are all secret Scientologists….or Mormons, I mean Pagans…er, Scientologists. I am definitely scare they are all Scientologists. really.)
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For a brief second, you had me with “Hamra’ bin Yahya” – then I translated it in my head. Nice!
Posted by Programmer Buydatti | February 19, 2008, 7:02 amgreat stuff! loved the rasheed wallace line
Posted by Anonymous | February 19, 2008, 9:57 amlol
Posted by Anonymous | February 19, 2008, 10:24 amsarah shahi is gorgeous.
Posted by ally | February 19, 2008, 2:10 pmwait, so scarlett isn’t muslim? shit…
Posted by Anonymous | February 19, 2008, 8:39 pmArabs: you have a way out of your situation. One-way tickets from New York to Cairo or Riyadh. All aboard!
Posted by pat1425 | February 25, 2008, 9:47 pmHamra’ bin Yahya ? Genius !
Posted by pp2006 | April 27, 2008, 6:03 pm