QUIQUI: I don’t have any investments because I’m in perpetual student loan debt, and I’ve never played the stock market, have an IRA, or a mortgage any more. But any of you KABOBers who do save, I’m about to ask that you consider some financial advice … If you have your money in a mutual fund (money market), you should [blah blah blah blah blah...]

WILL: I have several million dollars in a drug-human trafficking-prostitution-day care center ring. How will this investment be effected?

MOHAMMAD: Normally such loot remains safe from macro economic fluctuations. However, judging by your inability to spell affected, I think your cash-money is at a great risk of being lost due to your own incompetence.

WILL: Good point. “Macroeconomic” is one word, though, so check yourself. Be careful, my friend, you are talking to the runner-up of the 1991 city of Dearborn spelling bee.

NABEEL: i have 25 bicycles stored and ready to go for when the shit hits the fan. i’m ready for this madmax shit to go down. i’ll be trading my extra bikes for grain and antibiotics.

WILL: When the madmax shit does go down, I invite you all to seek refuge in the Arab enclave state of Dearborn if you can make it there. It will be run as a shia’ fundamentalist state though. So ladies, bring your burkas; men, grow your beards.

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