Palestinian Woman Pulls Israeli from Sea, Gets Jailed
(Sloppy Yousef News Agency) – Yesterday, an Israeli court sentenced a Palestinian woman to two years in an Israel jail prison for denying an Israeli national the right to suicide.
The ruling was passed in favor of 23 year old Ari Gaal, who – after being saved from drowning – sued his hero for interfering in his right to commit suicide. “All our lives, those Palestinians try to make things harder on us . . . they can’t let us live in peace nor die in peace . . . they just rob us from all the joys of life,” he said.
Mr. Gaal’s lawyer, Allen Benjamin, commented: “If it wasn’t for that monster of a woman, none of us would be here. I know my client especially didn’t want to be here!” The judge ruled that May Ali, the 29 year old Jerusalem native, “may have had good intentions . . . but in the end, the road to Israel is always paved with good intentions.”
Firas Kawasmi, Ms. Ali’s attorney, responded: “It used to be that the Israelis just arrested Palestinians for not doing anything at all. This is definitely a new chapter in the book of oppression and occupation: arresting, persecuting and then charging Palestinians for attempting to do good things.” He further commented that “Gaal can go to hell in a fast car, for all I care. My client just wanted to perform a good deed towards another human being who seemed to be in very ‘deep’ distress.”
Shockingly, Orthodox Jewish groups agree with Mr. Kawasmi. Rabbi Moses Goodman, a leader of the Supreme Council of Jewish Affairs in Jerusalem said in a recent statement: “We salute that woman for standing for life. Those liberal Jews like Mr. Gaal need to appreciate life in Israel. By trying to kill himself, he is working against the interest of the Jewish faith and decreasing our demographic superiority”
The statement caught many by surprise. One of these was Eid Hasoun, a cab driver from Ramallah. “Honestly, what has the world come to?” he shouted upon hearing the news. “Orthodox Jews coming to the aid of Palestinians? Is it April fool’s day or Judgment Day?”
Peace activist Moshe Hinesburg mocked the Rabbi’s statement and dismissed it as “political cross-dressing.” According to Hinesburg, Rabbi Goodman also believes and preaches that “Palestinians are snakes and heathens” in his weekly sermons. Hinesburg and other activists argue that Gaal has the right to end his life, if he wants to.
Meanwhile, Ms. Ali is planning to appeal the ruling. Her lawyer argued the following: “If Gaal wanted to die, he should have moved to Gaza when Israel was bombing it. This drowning business confuses good-hearted people like my client.”
Making light of the absurd situation, May was quoted as saying: “The only Israeli that wanted to be pushed into the sea was saved by a Palestinian. How sad!”
[Tarboush Tip: Carlos, Programmer Buydatti, Will]
