The Grand Doormat
Everyone steps all over them and makes them feel insignificant. Underpaid and underappreciated, they would hate their job if they had ambitions or self respect. The doormat sort of employee thinks that they are important and in-the-know, when in fact this is just a delusion to compensate for dignity. However, there are enticing doormats, they make you wonder how a human can function with no spine. Beware: they have the greatest potential to “go postal.”

The Omniscient Asshole
The know-it-all runs on a shortage of self-esteem, sometimes connected to limitations in certain anatomy or their personalities. They hope by projecting their vast and superior knowledge, they can compensate for their shortcomings, pun intended. Coworkers in this category can be identified by their habits of putting irrelevant trivial facts into conversations, by trying to dominate meetings, and in challenging every other point raised someone else. This may be mistaken for quirkiness, but is really far more dangerous. Most can identify this is a bluff and find it obnoxious, but the smarter ones who can advance in their career usually become the “Asshole Boss.”

The Boss’s Pet
People belonging to this group are both sweet and slippery, they are “loyal” to everyone, but primarily to the boss. Keep away from them because, they will betray, spy, and kill to advance their career. Beware of what you say around them because you know they are just gathering intel. Your boss probably knows how fake those belonging to this category are, but most bosses need pets; they aid in their rule and make bosses feel powerful. How to spot one: they sing happy birthday the loudest on the boss’s special day.

The Drama Magnet
Both males and females can use drama to make their boring lives interesting. They dramatize all aspects of their life to make them look interesting. For them, work is like the professional league of drama. Drama queens usually own pets, their pets actually hate them. They pick fights, get insulted easily, and have a complaint about everything from the water cooler to the weather. Clue: Drama Queens/Kings mostly likely have a subscription to US Weekly and own an IPhone.

The “Communication” Nazi
“We need to communicate better” is their motto. The co-worker who ascribes every fault to communication is a special breed. The coper breaks down, why, because the right people did not discuss it in a memo. Members of this group tend to be female, but the occasional metrosexual male makes it it (homosexuals tend not to be in this category, except for those who watch Dr. Phil). Those who grace this category are unhappy about other aspects in their lives and workplaces. “Communication” becomes their substitute for addressing underlying, difficult problems. Beware: they are the second most likely to “go postal.”

The Overexcited/Hyperactive Wizard
This category tends to afflict men who spend a lot of time at the gym. They are usually somewhat ripped, high on protein shakes and have a good dentist so their teeth are always bright like Brangelina’s affection. They like to think that they are go-getters who bring “positive synergy” to the office. In reality, they make co-workers feel like crap since the excitement and enthusiasm makes them appear satisfied with life (they are just juiced up). The Overexcited Wizard’s drink of choice is a decaffeinated diet coke because anymore caffeine and their head will blow up. They can also be identified by their rush to volunteer for any work task.

I Do Not Want to be Here Guy
These are my favorite employees to make fun of because they clearly lack the both the will and the courage to leave the place they despise — making them inherently cynical creatures. They are so obviously just there for the paycheck, and are known to be the enemy of both the Overexcited Wizard and the Boss’s Pet. They may be a struggling writer, a performance artist, or in a Bon Jovi cover band on the weekends. In the meantime you have to tolerate their sluggish, yawnish behavior, and overly sarcastic communications. How to cope: It may comfort you to imagine they do have a weekend passion so you can think they have something to live for.

The Rumor Mill
If it wasn’t for the insidious power of their gossip networks, members of this group would be doormats. They seem enthusiastic about work because they appear to discuss it so much. They are actually talking about co-workers. The smaller your office, the less they have to discuss — therefore larger companies are their primary stomping ground. Rumor mills more often than not tend to be tea drinkers, smokers, and water cooler clingers. How to deal with them: listen, nod your head, but do not talk.

The Social Pariah
A member of this group is the person in the office you would not anyone to think you speak to at all. It may be their smelly facial hair, sheer ugliness, lack of coherant speaking ability, or swastika forehead tattoo. When you get to your office, you pray that the social pariah won’t speak with you publicly, even if related to the business. Social pariahs are known to send emails on the weekend and make inappropriate comments. They are impervious to both the Boss’s Pet and are unaffected by The Rumor Mill. They get along best with the I Do Not Want to Be Here Guy. Warning: they appear attractive in their Facebook profile.

The Nowhere-Near-Perfect Perfectionist
The cousin of the Omniscient Asshole. This group can be confused for their relative. The difference is that the perfectionist does not project superior knowledge, she only points out other flaws, even if she shares them. They are accountants of errors, keeping track of every mistake made by co-workers and publicizing them to the world. While the Omniscient Asshole made do that to impress, this category of workers does it to degrade and demean others. Remember to never send them an email without spell check, but more importantly do not work with them. They can also be identified since they are the only ones who will openly embrace the social pariahs. If they try to speak with you, your best defense is borrowing the I Do Not Want to Be Here Guy’s sarcasm.

[Tarboush Tip: Will]

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