I wish I had a nickel for every time I attended an event with people of Arab descent, because I would probably have enough money to fly back home on Egypt Air without having to worry about the crying babies. Just because we mostly support unfashionable causes, doesn’t mean that we ourselves have to be one. Those who grace the list turning whatever event they choose into a fashion show and an opportunity to show off their favorite outfits, were just begging for me to take notice. While others might attend community events for purely noble reasons, I intend to pick on the fashion die-hards who are trying too hard and clearly fail miserably. This might come as a surprise to many of you, but Arabs care about the way they look. Most of the time they are successful, but here is list of what happens when they fall off the wagon—the vanity wagon, that is. This is hardly a fashion guide, but rather a guide on the common sense on Arab fashion trends. The goal is to stop the assault on our senses, because quite frankly Arabs don’t need more bad reputations.

1. Is that a Goatee, Mister?
You know the little hairs in the shape of an upside down triangle right between the lower lip and the chin? I never understood them because they make those who don’t shave whatever hair in that area look like a certain female anatomy. This seems to be popular with single Arab guys who always sport a pair of faded jeans and a sweet flamboyant shirt. They say that in their quest for attention from the opposite sex, men sure do silly things. That old wives’ tale is nothing short of a true story.

2. Jewel on the Go
I know Arabs are mobile people and are always on the move, perhaps due to constant harassment by Occupiers and Invaders and thus, they like to take most of their valuables with them. Unfortunately, this has a spill-over effect where a great deal of Arab women, literary wear every piece of jewelry they own when they show up to an Arab function like the Jewelry Exchange of Bethesda. They love wearing those “super-size combo” earrings and over-sized necklaces. Makes me wonder about their downsized sense of judgment. I know you’re shooting for the Syrian doctor or the Lebanese lawyer, but your obnoxious ornaments are distracting all of us from seeing the prettiest of your treasures—your eyes.

3. Speaking of Eyes
I am sure you have seen those ladies who just overdo it with the eye shadow to the point where it’s just painful to look at. I’m a sucker for eye shadow, but please, go easy on my eyes and spare me the eyesore, especially when it comes in ridiculous colors like blue and green. Massive amounts and bizarre, outlandish colors remind me of why I hate clowns and they don’t help me in the slightest bit, to break through to your layers of intimidation. If you insist that it’s not as much make-up as people tell you and you’re also looking to make a few extra dollars in this bad economy, you could always continue as usual and show up to birthday parties and carnivals where people will definitely ask you for balloon animals and to make them laugh.

4. Sideburns Magnet
I admit some Arab men rock the long sideburns look, but most don’t. I was never a long sideburns sort of guy, but I sure rarely associate myself with those who have them, like white Americans who hail from blue collar backgrounds or the Arabs with sideburns who yell “Palestinian” in your face, who adopted the style when they were political prisoners in Israeli jails. Unless your mature girlfriend that has a job tells you to keep them, do the world a favor and keep them nice and short.

5. Screwdriver Orange
The majority of Arab girls have the perfect olive skin color that is sought after. However there are few who like to step it up a notch by moving away from the olives by tanning so much, they turn orange. Arab girls are not meant to be orange! While you’re thinking that you’re standing out, we all feel sorry for you because you try too hard for all the wrong things. Your alien color will go to further prove that women are indeed from Venus. Also, upon seeing you, your grandma will definitely think you have some sort of aggressive skin cancer—God Forbid.

6. Straighten It Up or Bust
I am told that naturally, most Arab girls have curly hair, but they forcibly blow-dry, flat iron or perm their hair to make it straight. While I don’t object to any attempt to improve one’s image, I don’t like to be shocked when what I see is not what I get. The equivalent of the shock is similar to finding out that the handsome guy you’ve been dancing with all night long has a wig.

7. T-Shirt Activism
Arab men: will you stop with messy t-shirts that feature some political quote or make a political statement? Seriously, you are at an Arab function, so your t-shirt probably preaches to the converts and makes you look out of style. Get real! You’re wearing a t-shirt at an event as large and as mixed as a fruit basket only to say one thing: I just rolled out of bed and here am I, trying to spread my semen, one scrappy t-shirt at a time. One more thing: no one cares what you think, so put on your button down shirt, tuck it in (Polos are fine too) and talk to people.

8. Mickey Mouse Sweatpants
These and flip flops are cute when you were 12, but please get over that fad and keep them within the borders of your bedroom. I know girls starring on the OC can get away with it, but the same doesn’t go for those who watch the show. Since kids are Mickey’s biggest fans, I am confused because if I flirt with you, I feel like cradle robber, but the mouse makes me think about my own mouse.

9. Walking Logos
What’s up with Arabs and their favorite designer logos flaunted wherever they go? A/X, Polo, Giorgio Armani, Dolce & Gabana, label whores exist in every culture and they come in both genders. But for men, it’s an attempt to compensate for smaller genitals. And for girls, you’re just trying to prove your daddy has more money than he really does, putting you on this “imaginary” pedestal I mean. We don’t have to know that you have a taste for fake premium brands. Since we all left high school, we decided that clothes don’t matter that much unless you are a self-made asshole.

10. French Tip Nails
Ladies, what hell is this about? You really want me to believe that your natural nails look like that? Your French-tip fake acrylics look as genuine as the women on “The Real House Wives of New Jersey.” Do us a favor and leave the trashy look for the professionals on that show. They are called French for a reason, and not a good one. The Vietnamese ladies at the nail salon concur with our conclusion.

11. The Hitler Man Stash
Bro! The Arabs don’t need any more bad PR or bogus links to the crazy German bastards, so please don’t fuel those bunker allegations and do us all a favor and either keep a full mustache or just few more stroked with your razor and the agony to all of us will ceases to exist. Make up your mind to stash or not to stash, but don’t go half way; it is an either or. And yes, whoever told you that half groomed mustache looks good on you, won’t tell you that they are part of a global scheme to sabotage your good looks.

12. Let There Be Light
Along with summer kicks and other whiting lotions and powders. Yes, a lot of you women of Arabia back in the old countries use these whitening creams to lighten their skin to make themselves look “white.” Or to go three shades lighter on their foundation. So the whites are painting themselves orange and the oranges are painting themselves white. Nowadays, I don’t see this Fashion Faux Pas anymore, unless there is some new invention that the beauty industry has kept secret. American girls especially those from California and Florida, are also guilty of the spray on tan. Whatever happened to the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice?

13. Tweeze This!
Gentlemen, let me introduce you to the tweezers. These third-class levers are known to have been used in ancient Egypt. There are drawings of Egyptian craftsmen holding hot pots over ovens with a double-bow shaped tool. Asiatic tweezers, consisting of two strips of metal brazed together were common to Mesopotamia and India around 3000 B.C. so, you got nothing to fear! Please buy one and keep another as a spare. Use them and use them often. Think in terms of ear, eyebrow and everyone’s favorite: The nose! A bit of advice: just like your nuts, good things come in pairs.

14. Blonde Highlights
Yeah right! Arab women can grow blonde hair as much as I can pull smoked salmon out my arse! Neither are happing naturally so no need to seduce the “Fresh off the Boat” immigrant or that Saudi prince. Just stay black and leave the blonde highlights to Nawal Al Zogbiy and other Arab stars. And as Nancy Reagan said, “Just say No!”

15. Gel-Me Ali
Sure, the Italians are infamous for the amounts of gel they use on their hair, but the Arabs are not to be upstaged on this front. Arabs consume more gel than Americans consume unnecessary vitamins and other weight-loss supplements. New Arab immigrant men in this country come with a empty oil barrel they found near the oil fields filled of their favorite gel, because the massive amounts of gel they came prepackaged with when they came kicking and screaming into this world will soon run out. Even my bald cousins in Gaza still use hair gel. They rub it on their shinny bald heads in honor of days of glory. I know of a ten step program to get Arabs males off their gel addiction. Step number three: use mousse!

16. Spray it, don’t say it
It is the rule for fragrance aficionados. I really don’t care what fragrance or cologne you use, keep it intimate. I don’t have to know the brand nor do I have to inhale your aroma whenever I come within 50 feet of you or if I just stepped into an elevator you recently came out of.

[Tarboush Tip: Meriana, Carlos]

Related posts:

1. Noor: The Conspiracy Against the Arab Family and Unromantic Arab Men
2. Hijabi Fashion on the Syrian Streets
3. Kuffiya Kraze: The Fashion Industrial Complex Is Behind The Assasination Of Yasser Arafat
4. The Kim Kardashian Effect On Arab and Middle Eastern Women
5. Bringing Sexy Taxi Back