Spending two days stranded in European airports and flying with the Spanish airlines makes me an expert on Europe and its affairs. I love Europe, both the old one and the new one, but I think America’s got them by the nuggets. While it is true that Europeans used to be healthier than Americans, the trend is shifting–Europeans waists are gradually growing in diameter as they abandon their dull diet. I know Europeans are notorious for making fun of Americans and their lifestyle. I had to think about few things that America got right while Europe was taking a nap.
1. America has way better, faster, and cheaper Wi-Fi: for an hour of Internet in a European airport you can feed a needy Afghani family for two weeks and have enough change to buy yourself a dirty magazine to celebrate your good deed.
2. European money looks like Monopoly money. Seriously, the Euro bills are wacky, funky colors, tiny, and boring. When the cashier handed me my change back, I was like, “I gave you a nice, clean, crisp dollar bill, and all I get is a ‘Go Directly to Jail!’ note.”
3. Everything in Europe is smaller, and I mean every freaking thing. Their coffee cups are far too small, Euro baguettes are microscopic, and their donuts do not hit the spot. Cars are too environmentally conscious to function. Hello, have you ever tried to buy a Coke in any European Capital? Both Volume and Portion are smaller.
4. By not speaking their native tongue, Europeans assume that you disrespect them or that you are an ignorant bastard. Thus you know deep down the well-meaning people of Europe are on a mission to teach you something new about how awesome Europe really is.
5. American Starbucks in Europe sells more coffee in one day than all European coffee houses combined. McDonalds in Europe sells more meals per day than all restaurants in Europe combined. While America runs on Dunkin, Europe runs on Starbucks.
6. American companies or their subsidiaries own all the major brands of Europe—Lays, Orbit, Coca-Cola, CNN, Time magazine. And even Gold’s Gym is a popular fitness center—the idea that American getting Europeans to slim down is priceless.
7. With the exception of Steven Seagal, no American goes to Europe to be famous. Most famous Europeans are so because they made it to America—I am looking at you Christian Bale, Penelope Cruz, Arnold, and Amy Winehouse! (But maybe this one is famous because she is insane rather than European.) Even the snootiest of Europeans will concede the fact that America dominates pop culture and everyone else is playing catch up.
8. Arab immigrants in America, although facing many unique challenges and struggles, are far happier and far more integrated than their peers in Europe. They also have more education and better jobs than their peers in Europe. America is known for its more flexible class barrier.
9. Europeans do not clean up after themselves in restaurants. Eating at a number of self-service cafes and restaurants in the airport, I was shocked to see people walk away and leave their garbage behind. This actually reminds me of back home, where we as little boys eat and somehow the dishes get washed and mysteriously disappear. To be fair, Americans only do that at movie theater.
10. It is true Europe has a much more sophisticated culture and a richer history than the States, but I would trade all of that at any moment for an iPod. Who cares about what some dead dude said or did not say hundreds of years ago? The future is whatever Steve Jobs and Bill Gates say it will be. Van Gogh, Picasso, Dali did some fine paintings, but if it was not for Google search, few would have seen their masterpieces.
11. Europeans smoke a lot more than Americans do. This is odd because Europeans have always been conscious of adopting healthy practices—at least since the plague. Not to worry, American tobacco companies make all the profits from killing the Europeans. America strives to play fair in their dealings with the world. Thus, American weapons kill Arabs, and also American tobacco companies are killing Europeans.
12. American public restrooms are superior to the European ones, maybe because Americans eat a lot more than the Europeans do–and therefore they spend, on average, a lot more time unloading–has something to do with maintaining clean and neat restrooms. The Europeans bathroom really scares me, and to make things worse I had a guy yell at me in Spain to give him some toilet paper as he was standing in the urinal holding his fun size rocket—no, it wasn’t Senator Larry Craig either.
13. Americans are the world’s most popular tourists according to several sources, namely in Jerusalem and in Oman. They are approachable, fun loving, adventurous, neat, and they tip will. In Europe it’s a mixed bag: Italians are fun, but not so neat; Germans are unapproachable, good tippers they are not; the French are fun loving, but socially awkward, and the Greeks are the messiest of them all.
14. For all the sex and romance that pops to mind when people talk about their vacation in Europe, Europe’s population is aging and shrinking, while Americans engage in baby making sex. According to my ancient grandma, “no babies no sex”
15. Americans eat a lot more dark chocolate than Europe—a much healthier choice than milk infused chocolate. Due to the lack of great American-made milk chocolate, more Americans opt for the dark chocolate, rich in antioxidants and better for the heart tissue. If you are in Europe, it is really hard to resist the seduction of the silky and smooth milk chocolate bars that are as easily obtained as a beer keg in the Iraqi Green Zone.
16. Diversity is wonderful. In America however, we all seem to agree to speak English to both friends and strangers and we do not investigate the other person to see what language they speak—at least not as much they do in Europe. Pretty much every country has its own language and every region has its own dialect. That can be a hassle when you are traveling cross Europe. Do you speak English in France and suffer the consequences? Or do you try your Spanish in Spain only to find out that the cashier’s English is rustier than your Spanish. In America, no need to put your twang on as you are heading to Texas, people will understand you. For the record though, some find it hard to make out what I say most of the time, just like when you are at an authentic Chinese restaurant.
17. Because only Jack Bauer from American show “24” can stop and neutralize the bad guys, Europe cannot even come close in introducing their own version of tough detective saving French lives. Jack is Back! Inspector Jacques Clouseau is so fired!
18. Americans males do not shy away from giving a piece of themselves to a just cause. The cause is stopping the spread of sexual transmitted diseases, and the piece they give is their foreskin.
19. Americans are better drivers, American driving skills are far superior, and Americans have to put up with a lot less traffic than their counterparts in major European cities. Also American can navigate the road while changing songs on their iPod, text massaging, and talking on blue tooth. So much for the European public transportation system helping to lower the congestion. Europeans pay much higher gas taxes, even higher car taxes, a lot more tolls, and there is almost no free parking.
20. Because real men do not sunbathe in Speedos.
21.No, I will not be taking a chance on you ABBA
[Tarboush Tip: Lyndsay]
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USA>you enough said
Posted by Will | December 15, 2010, 5:54 amERRRRRRRRR i hope the soviets come back and completly burry america only because ur fat ignorant pigs
Posted by ndnsss | December 23, 2010, 5:12 pmSHIT>USA end of story
Posted by DFGHNJNHGFD | December 23, 2010, 5:25 pmSHIT>USA
Posted by DFGHNJNHGFD | January 5, 2011, 11:41 amAMERICANS DON'T KNOW WHAT TRUE LOVE IS…
THEY JUST TEAR THE ASSHOLES AND PUSSIES OF WOMEN…
EVEN IN A MIDDLESCHOOL…
HEY AMERICANS! YOU SUCK!
Posted by GIVER | December 15, 2010, 8:12 pmYea and you’re point? Americans love pussy and kicking the shit out of people like real men. Suck it Europe, all your women already are.
Posted by Maestro | January 7, 2011, 5:23 pmI agree americans are a bunch of arogont fat ass pigs who think there better than everyone else.
Posted by English | December 23, 2010, 4:55 pmdamn right u r
Posted by kmdakmdkamdlmldnal | December 23, 2010, 4:55 pmAmerica sucks u think were gay u invented gayness for christ sake and ur just a bunch of fat retards who are oppsesed with ur gay country, god bless america MY ARS
Posted by AMERICA IS GAY | December 23, 2010, 7:05 pmActually historically speaking ancient Greeks did…sooo. It was generally accepted to have sex with men, women, children. So learn your history before you go shooting off at the mouth fuckwad.
Posted by Patrick | September 11, 2011, 6:48 amAmerica is not the richest country in the world and its econimy would wither if u would stop getting money from asian countries and u keep getting england cought up in ur wars that u keep starting the iraq war were my uncle was killed the afghanistan war the vietnam war whats next iran
Posted by DFGHNJNHGFD | December 23, 2010, 5:24 pmI love how the comments for this post mostly start out light-hearted and thoughtful (80 weeks ago) and descend into pure hatred by the end. Sort of parallel's KabobFest's own journey. *Sigh
Posted by Victor_Shikhman | January 6, 2011, 4:41 pmsort of parallel's Israel's own journey.
Before: boo-hoo we need a home, safe from the Europeans. lets go to the hospitable Arabs.
Now: we have to build secured ghettos so that Arab semen stays in Arab wombs. Also, easier to target with missiles for 'population control'!
Posted by angry*Ooo | March 27, 2011, 11:54 pmsort of parallel's Israel's own journey.
b4: boo-hoo, please kind Arab men save us from the Europeans.
now: Zionist live in Arab homes, Arabs live on desert ghettos, so that Arab semen stays in Arab wombs. Also, easier to target with missiles for 'population control'.
Posted by angry*Ooo | March 28, 2011, 12:06 amClassic Super Bowl looms between Steelers and Packers
Posted by Nu Quillian | January 26, 2011, 2:06 pmI lived in the US for a long time. I came from Russia al ong time ago.America was the only country that opened the borders to us when we were in need of help. Europe refused to provide us with visas, America did. Then, America stood for justice and helped all the people in need.. __America is very different from Europe. Not in good or bad way. It all depends on what one likes.__I have not been to Europe for many years, but last summer I went to Spain for 10 days and liked it a lot,__regardless of the fact that here most things cost more in than in the US and salaries are lower, for most part. __The truth is that now I would prefer Europe over the US because I like it better overall…
Posted by Alex | January 30, 2011, 8:37 pmEhh your are soooo wrong,to us your money is retarted and why wouldnt each country have their own laugage its there cultur, because america doesnt have its own culture you either steal other countries cultures or cling on to them or rip on them. and no way in hell is americans better than europe at driving, sure in finland to pass the driving test you need to now to drift and all and i mean ALL the best race car drivers are in europe.And besides everything europe has is better than america, so you can just bullshit on but we are better and yea now this so you try anything to tell yourself its not. America is the most hated country in the world so i feel bad for you evan ghana is better,and in case you dont now where that is, its because of your terrible education
Posted by phelo93 | March 11, 2011, 7:09 pmyou sir are a dip-shit.
you don't even have the decency to read over your own post and correct your grammatical errors.
you're only supporting the stereotype that Americans are ignorant assholes.
no one likes Americans besides Americans.
P.S. don't ever insult Greece again!!!
Posted by Erik | March 27, 2011, 4:37 pmgreece sucks balls
Posted by casey | May 20, 2011, 9:55 amokay this will be easy…
the day someone compares his country to another, you know he is an ignorant fool…
pretty funny you say everything is bigger in USA, pretty obvious why, its because you are fat, sorry its true. :/
and better and cheaper Wi-Fi? you still go around with GSM xD, do you even have 3g in the bigger cities?
we allready have 4g, you pay for how much broadband you use, i can download and do what ever i want, for the same cost and i tell you if i lived in USA i would get an internet bill on around 200 dollars, while here the monthly cost is 20 dollars. xD
Posted by anonnimous | April 30, 2011, 1:09 pmI…
Um…
Is this for real?
First of all, two days in airports does not make you an expert on Europe. Just to lay out my credentials, I've spent 9 years in Europe and 10 years in America. I was born in America, I am in America now.
You made a few valid points, but here's what you missed:
1) Wi-Fi? Your number 1 reason is wifi? In that case, Japan blows you out of the water.
2) European money is way better. No $1 bills, coins go all the way up to $2 (equivalent). And the bills are even sized differently so blind people can handle money with greater ease.
3) Europe also has much lower obesity and heart disease rates, probably directly caused by not having the "supersize" option. The only way you could eat that much food is if you weigh 300lb (do you?)
4) You're an ignorant bastard if you expect Europeans to speak English. Maybe if they are involved in tourism or service industries, but a small cafe on a side street has every right to demand that you speak the native tongue. I wouldn't expect to get service speaking French in the US
5) American business spread like herpes, yes.
6) Same – America's favorable tax environment means many international countries are based in the US.
7) Sure. You can have your pop culture.
Flexible class system? Are you fucking kidding me? The rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer. That's about as flexible as a Republican's world view.
9) Patently false. This would piss me off if I saw it regularly, and I haven't.
10) American consumerism at it's finest. And "few would see their masterpieces without a google search?" Do you realize that in Europe our (vastly better) school system actually teaches art history?
11) Truth. In your words, "I'd trade…" the smoking for the obesity, lack of intelligence and general incompetence of Americans any day.
12) Again, patently false. In France you often have to pay for public restrooms. As a result, they are cleaner and shinier than even your home bathroom. Americans, on the other hand, like to not wash their hands. (trust me, I've noticed)
13) You're an American tourist, so you declare American tourists the best? That's not how it works. Americans are the WORST. They are fat, loud and ignorant of local culture and traditions. They take pictures when they shouldn't, and generally look like lost sheep.
14) Your baby-boomer generation is about to mature. Welcome to the club. The only countries without a maturing population are outside the Western world (with a few exceptions, but America is not one of them)
15) Okay, Americans make better chocolate choice for their health. Unfortunately then they go to McDo's and supersize their meal, then collapse as their heart cannot handle pumping blood around their 300lb of fat.
16) As a result, many Europeans are bilingual. Being bilingual has been proven to correlate to increased intelligence. I do not see the downside.
17) You've obviously never even watched any television in Europe. 24 is the best, sure, but to say that the closest alternative is Inspector Cluseau is completely expected given what I've read so far.
18) Removing the foreskin has no medical benefits. I am circumcised, but studies have shown no change in the spread of STD's.
19) America has the highest teen driving death rate of the world. I'll jump on a train, rather than let my (hypothetical) 16 year old daughter crash into a tree and die.
20) Stereotype – rare, especially among people under 40.
21) America is better because you do not like ABBA. Best argument yet.
Posted by rkorslund | May 3, 2011, 1:17 ameurope is pretty messed up but america is heading down the same road because of its people
Posted by unknown | June 27, 2011, 1:09 pmMany of you should be ashamed. The author of this article is CLEARLY trying to create a pointless, agressive reaction; for many of you to take this article seriously is ignorance at its best.
I am an american citizen who has grown up and lived in the South East of the USA for nearly my entire life. I am now almost 23. I spent nearly 8 months in and around spain, so I am somewhat familiar with european culture, if only superficially.
Yes, we Americans are proud of our country: who shouldn't be proud of their history, where they come from and what they as a civilization has achieved? This is not to say all of our difference are positive ones; at least half of the list I disagree with in some form or another.
In summation, for many europeans to come on here and blatantly attack an entire country because of some poorly thought out creates not solution. When over in europe, I sincerely enjoyed the culture and people; I hope most are not like most commenting. And for the americans only antagonizing others- realize you are ruining another living human's entire perpective on the country you love.
Posted by Alex | July 23, 2011, 5:08 pmAt least us Europeans don't have massive egos and mess in things we shouldn't.
Posted by Brandon | October 12, 2011, 7:00 amEurope has better food, less working hours, more family orientated, stronger sense of community and culture, less inhibited sexually, more liberal, less crime. The US is still the best country on earth though.
Posted by Kriminal | August 16, 2011, 2:20 pmLol why can't we all just get a long, you don't have to worry about the article that much honestly. Also there's no reason to just insult all Americans based on our dumbass politicians, luckily most Americans are usually friendly same with Europeans, but insulting Americans is just making some of you look worse calm down no need to take this so seriously.
Posted by Gordy | August 19, 2011, 11:14 pmAs a Canadian who has immigrated to France, I have to join the anti-American bandwagon (settle down, you uppidy Americans, a lot of you are great, but it's true that you're egos are unjustifiably over-inflated!)
#1: Europe provides better health care (check the WHO fact books), which is accessible to more people, irrespective of income or previous health conditions.
#2: Soccer is REAL football, for the obvious reason that the primary contact is between one's foot and the ball. The only people who appreciate American football are Americans, whereas Europe, Canada, Asia, the Middle East, Africa, Australia and Oceania all appreciate the better alternative ; )
#3: Europe is definitely sexier. We don't procreate as much here, but we have more fun, eg. condom dispensers are found outside of most pharmacies. We're far more liberal about sex for the sake of it, whereas America still has archaic, puritanical, guilt-ridden views on the subject (abstinence classes…what the F— is THAT???)
#4: We eat smaller portions, but we eat better food and frown upon gluttony because A) it's unhealthy B) it's wasteful and C) it's disgusting.
#5: Jack Bauer is played by a Canadian, so you can suck it!
#6: McDonald's and Starbucks are popular because they are novelties, not because the quality of the product is better (trust me, it's not).
#7: If you're that unmoved by history and culture ("who cares what some dead dude said…hundreds of years ago?"), then you're either immature, uneducated, unrefined, or some combination of all 3.
#8: OK, I will agree with you on the smoking issue, it really grates on my nerves. But in any other case, I'd say that the culture and quality of life here blows America's fat ass out of the water!
Posted by Katy | August 26, 2011, 9:47 amBut you've never lived in America. How would you know?
Posted by Dsf | December 7, 2011, 3:08 amWho cares. All your points are shit in the toilet
Posted by mcgrady | February 4, 2012, 12:52 amThank you Italian! I have moved here from Germany and when I moved to the US, I did not enjoy myself. My classmates (most) are annoying and hate me for no good reason!!!!!!! I just hope my dad's job will move us the Europe again!!!
Posted by Europea | August 26, 2011, 6:24 pmHave you tried kicking their asses? We Americans love to fight! (and drink and smoke grass)
When I met my best friend in the world we got into a all out fist fight for no real reason the went out to go get some strange and get drunk. I’m American and got shot in school too. If you’re s boy it’s because the girls like you and the othe lads want the pussy you can muster. Just fight a little bit. Back in my school days I got in tons of fights because I was different after like the 3rd time they stopped fucking with me. No worries, it’ll all work out
Posted by Patrick | September 11, 2011, 6:27 amShit*
Damn autocorrect put shot. You only have to worry about getting shot sometimes and mostly not at school lol.
Posted by Patrick | September 11, 2011, 6:29 amShut up shit head. Speak for yourself only. Only ass lickers like yourself speak so stupidly as you do. Now go finish dining on some ass
Posted by mcgrady | February 4, 2012, 12:50 amnone of you europ fags have been to america so shut the fuck up
Posted by kjon | September 9, 2011, 1:28 pmAmen! It’d be like me saying I met a frenchmen who was a dick so all French are dicks. It’s a overgrnerlization and it’s wrong!
Posted by Patrick | September 11, 2011, 6:44 amIt would be like saying every single music, movie, and game reviewer's revieews are all invalid, because they can't do any better.
Posted by Magnus | October 12, 2011, 7:03 amOkay. See the thing is Europeans are always slamming the us, most of the people with something bad to say have never met or even really talked to an American with out their noses turned to the air and looking down on us. You always call us “fat, ignorant, or arrogant” but yet the simple fact that you say these things crests the arrogance in yourself. Most Americans are not fat, the America government made the obesity line unrealistically low. I’m 110 pounds, not sure what that is in kelos. I’m not fat, mist people I see are not fat. Europeans are always rude. I’m nit sure why either. EVERY European I know that has cone here is astonished at how hard and long we work. Plus most Americans are polite and kind while Europeans always seen pissed off like their constantly smelling shit. You can’t compare the two places really at all. Their just places with people, houses, roads, and businesses to compare is retarded. Oh and before I forget, I’m very smart most of the people know are very smart, only a small percent of Americans fall into the stereotypes Europeans love to cram down our throats. Europe is cool I’ve been there, I like it just fine but I’m a proud American. To know America and Americans you can’t look at the few you see on tv or whatever you’d actually have to spend time here, talk to people, get to actually know a few of us and I’m sure you’ll find we’re pretty cool people. Just like I discovered when I visited Europe. (although I never had a downed perception of the European population, until I kept getting insulted on the Internet by Europeans thusly I find Internet euros stuck up but the general population is not too different than the average American population at all)
Posted by Patrick | September 11, 2011, 6:13 amToo sad that those arrogant few ruin every single person's view on AMEWIKA.
Posted by Graham | October 12, 2011, 7:04 amDude, you should take English classes. Your prose is full of mistakes even my 3 years old cousin who's never lined up 2 words of English would never do. See, that's why Americans are considered as morons. Can't even speak properly their own language. FUCKTARDS.
Posted by frenchdude | November 4, 2011, 6:34 pmmost technology came from europe the phone, the computer, the television, the mp3 player and most apple products to some extent also look at the leading ceo's of most companies a high percentage are european. and i like most americans its just nobheads like the author of this i cant stand
Posted by @billy88rfc | November 4, 2011, 1:15 pmTry again! Ipods are not even produced in europe for the most part. Asians make the biggest advancements in technology. Europe just makes nice cars. Europe is very racist and close minded. America is not as bad. Europeans started gayness and racism.
Posted by mcgrady | February 4, 2012, 12:45 amWhat a lot of crap.. this article is utter nonsense. But then again, only Americans can come out such shit about places they've never been to more than 7 days. Damn monolingual fucktards. Remain in the Great America and get screwed over by your government. You guys seem to enjoy it so much.
Posted by frenchdude | November 4, 2011, 6:29 pmyou have to be 21 to buy a Alcohol in the US, I am European and I laugh at this
Posted by Chrristian | November 19, 2011, 4:42 pmI love "text massaging."
Posted by M2J | December 15, 2011, 1:00 pmAnd you are calling Americans ignorant? Your main point of view is that Americans are stupid ignorant fat and that our school system sucks. Well we may have one of the shortest school years but we also have one if the lowest suicide rates among teens in the world, and where do you get your facts a 2005 magazine? Well news flash America is slimming down and it is a fact that Europeans are growing. why don’t you move back to Europe? We don’t want an ignorant moron like you in our country anyways you will just cost us more money on your welfare just like your liberal buddies.
Posted by Non-ignorant person | December 21, 2011, 9:09 pmWho ever wrote this list is an idiot-! (the original list)
I mean Europe has so much culture and history and has invented so much technology!
Also all of Americans are Europeans you morons!
We colonized America and you are just the scum that ran away from civilization in the 16th-18th century!
Posted by random dudu1997 | December 27, 2011, 5:19 amUm america is very diverse idiot. Not everyone comes from you shit heads. You came to america and stole land not colonized so get it right. You idiots were to lazy to work so you kidnapped slaves. You all are only good at stealing.
Posted by mcgrady | February 4, 2012, 12:48 am3. "everything in europ is smaller"… I'd rather say : everything in america is bigger include american bodies. And, what if you knew what european people think about your coffee (we say "socks juice"…)
5. Wrong ! Sorry…
8. I think you're right saying America has more flexible class barrier and I envy you for that.
10. American people would sail their mom for a iPod. You're talking about Steve Jobs building the future, but you don't even learn anything from the past. Only an american citizen could have vote a second time for Mister "idiot" Bush, the lowest IQ president ever…
11. European smoke to much ! I totally agree
13. About European tourists : this is called "having personality"…
19. American are better drivers ??? Where have you been in Europ ? Disneyland ? You don't even know driving with gear lever…
The rest : is useless
Posted by anthony | January 6, 2012, 6:25 amhttp://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2005/mar/16/eur…
Your very first point is invalid…
I refuse to waste my time disproving the rest.
Posted by AmericaFTW | January 16, 2012, 5:03 pmVery good and informative!
BUT, I have to strongly DISAGREE with the drivers. Europeans drive manual (stick-shift) transmission and navigate smaller roads.
Thus, Europeans are FAR superior drivers
Posted by Luke | February 3, 2012, 3:23 pm