Spending two days stranded in European airports and flying with the Spanish airlines makes me an expert on Europe and its affairs. I love Europe, both the old one and the new one, but I think America’s got them by the nuggets. While it is true that Europeans used to be healthier than Americans, the trend is shifting–Europeans waists are gradually growing in diameter as they abandon their dull diet. I know Europeans are notorious for making fun of Americans and their lifestyle. I had to think about few things that America got right while Europe was taking a nap.
1. America has way better, faster, and cheaper Wi-Fi: for an hour of Internet in a European airport you can feed a needy Afghani family for two weeks and have enough change to buy yourself a dirty magazine to celebrate your good deed.
2. European money looks like Monopoly money. Seriously, the Euro bills are wacky, funky colors, tiny, and boring. When the cashier handed me my change back, I was like, “I gave you a nice, clean, crisp dollar bill, and all I get is a ‘Go Directly to Jail!’ note.”
3. Everything in Europe is smaller, and I mean every freaking thing. Their coffee cups are far too small, Euro baguettes are microscopic, and their donuts do not hit the spot. Cars are too environmentally conscious to function. Hello, have you ever tried to buy a Coke in any European Capital? Both Volume and Portion are smaller.
4. By not speaking their native tongue, Europeans assume that you disrespect them or that you are an ignorant bastard. Thus you know deep down the well-meaning people of Europe are on a mission to teach you something new about how awesome Europe really is.
5. American Starbucks in Europe sells more coffee in one day than all European coffee houses combined. McDonalds in Europe sells more meals per day than all restaurants in Europe combined. While America runs on Dunkin, Europe runs on Starbucks.
6. American companies or their subsidiaries own all the major brands of Europe—Lays, Orbit, Coca-Cola, CNN, Time magazine. And even Gold’s Gym is a popular fitness center—the idea that American getting Europeans to slim down is priceless.
7. With the exception of Steven Seagal, no American goes to Europe to be famous. Most famous Europeans are so because they made it to America—I am looking at you Christian Bale, Penelope Cruz, Arnold, and Amy Winehouse! (But maybe this one is famous because she is insane rather than European.) Even the snootiest of Europeans will concede the fact that America dominates pop culture and everyone else is playing catch up.
8. Arab immigrants in America, although facing many unique challenges and struggles, are far happier and far more integrated than their peers in Europe. They also have more education and better jobs than their peers in Europe. America is known for its more flexible class barrier.
9. Europeans do not clean up after themselves in restaurants. Eating at a number of self-service cafes and restaurants in the airport, I was shocked to see people walk away and leave their garbage behind. This actually reminds me of back home, where we as little boys eat and somehow the dishes get washed and mysteriously disappear. To be fair, Americans only do that at movie theater.
10. It is true Europe has a much more sophisticated culture and a richer history than the States, but I would trade all of that at any moment for an iPod. Who cares about what some dead dude said or did not say hundreds of years ago? The future is whatever Steve Jobs and Bill Gates say it will be. Van Gogh, Picasso, Dali did some fine paintings, but if it was not for Google search, few would have seen their masterpieces.
11. Europeans smoke a lot more than Americans do. This is odd because Europeans have always been conscious of adopting healthy practices—at least since the plague. Not to worry, American tobacco companies make all the profits from killing the Europeans. America strives to play fair in their dealings with the world. Thus, American weapons kill Arabs, and also American tobacco companies are killing Europeans.
12. American public restrooms are superior to the European ones, maybe because Americans eat a lot more than the Europeans do–and therefore they spend, on average, a lot more time unloading–has something to do with maintaining clean and neat restrooms. The Europeans bathroom really scares me, and to make things worse I had a guy yell at me in Spain to give him some toilet paper as he was standing in the urinal holding his fun size rocket—no, it wasn’t Senator Larry Craig either.
13. Americans are the world’s most popular tourists according to several sources, namely in Jerusalem and in Oman. They are approachable, fun loving, adventurous, neat, and they tip will. In Europe it’s a mixed bag: Italians are fun, but not so neat; Germans are unapproachable, good tippers they are not; the French are fun loving, but socially awkward, and the Greeks are the messiest of them all.
14. For all the sex and romance that pops to mind when people talk about their vacation in Europe, Europe’s population is aging and shrinking, while Americans engage in baby making sex. According to my ancient grandma, “no babies no sex”
15. Americans eat a lot more dark chocolate than Europe—a much healthier choice than milk infused chocolate. Due to the lack of great American-made milk chocolate, more Americans opt for the dark chocolate, rich in antioxidants and better for the heart tissue. If you are in Europe, it is really hard to resist the seduction of the silky and smooth milk chocolate bars that are as easily obtained as a beer keg in the Iraqi Green Zone.
16. Diversity is wonderful. In America however, we all seem to agree to speak English to both friends and strangers and we do not investigate the other person to see what language they speak—at least not as much they do in Europe. Pretty much every country has its own language and every region has its own dialect. That can be a hassle when you are traveling cross Europe. Do you speak English in France and suffer the consequences? Or do you try your Spanish in Spain only to find out that the cashier’s English is rustier than your Spanish. In America, no need to put your twang on as you are heading to Texas, people will understand you. For the record though, some find it hard to make out what I say most of the time, just like when you are at an authentic Chinese restaurant.
17. Because only Jack Bauer from American show “24” can stop and neutralize the bad guys, Europe cannot even come close in introducing their own version of tough detective saving French lives. Jack is Back! Inspector Jacques Clouseau is so fired!
18. Americans males do not shy away from giving a piece of themselves to a just cause. The cause is stopping the spread of sexual transmitted diseases, and the piece they give is their foreskin.
19. Americans are better drivers, American driving skills are far superior, and Americans have to put up with a lot less traffic than their counterparts in major European cities. Also American can navigate the road while changing songs on their iPod, text massaging, and talking on blue tooth. So much for the European public transportation system helping to lower the congestion. Europeans pay much higher gas taxes, even higher car taxes, a lot more tolls, and there is almost no free parking.
21.No, I will not be taking a chance on you ABBA
[Tarboush Tip: Lyndsay]Filed Under America, europe, Hanitizer, humor, pop culture