Looking for love and marriage isn’t so easy for some people. Arranged marriage, or having others assist in finding a spouse, could be a solution and it seems to be catching on. Of course, arranged marriages are nothing new and have been around for a long time.
In Gaza, Hamas has taken the initiative to help out those who’ve been unlucky in finding a mate. The Tayseer Association for Marriage and Development in Gaza (yes, such an organization exists) accepts applications from men and women who want to get married and try to hook them up. For women, the application asks what they would like to find in a man and, more arbitrarily, if they consider themselves to be pretty. The matchmakers in the association divide the female applicants into categories based on their eligibility. Basically, if you’re over 30 and/or divorced you belong in the “challenging” category.
Regardless of one’s ‘challenges’, if the matchmakers believe they’ve found a match, they’ll quietly arrange for a meeting, with the employees of the association acting as chaperones. If the two people end up liking each other then Palestinian tradition gets under way. The man’s relatives go and visit the woman’s family and tell them someone told them about the girl. Ultimately, the two will get married and they’ll probably end up having a kid before their first year anniversary. The Tayseer Association seems to have a pretty decent success rate. They’ve arranged 40 marriages since 2007.
So we know arranged marriages are common in Eastern culture but recent books and television shows seem to be bringing the concept to America.
Last year, Reva Seth came out with a book titled “First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages” in which she talks about the success of arranged marriages. She interviewed 300 women in the US, UK and Canada who are in arranged marriages and most of them are happy. The women interviewed were all educated and career-oriented, not lonely and desperate.
The key to a successful marriage, Seth suggests, is compatibility. And having a ‘marriage musts’ list of qualities that you desire is key. As one of the women interviewed said: “The difference [between arranged and Western marriages] is that a love marriage is like a boiling pot that cools down over time, while an arranged marriage is like a cold pot that gradually comes to a boil.” That may not sound sexy but there’s a logic to this. Seth suggests that people who tend to hook up in bars and clubs are usually lusting for each other but that fire tends to fizzle out over time. Those people tend to not be marriage material anyway. Again, the keyword is compatibility and seeking that out.
In what may be the biggest sign that the idea of arranged marriages is going mainstream in the US is that two arranged marriage reality shows are in the works for network television.
CBS has picked up a show tentavily titled “Arranged Marriage” from the producers of “Top Chef.” The show introduces four adults between the ages of 25 and 40 who are “anxious to get married” but haven’t had any luck in finding a partner. Their friends and family select a spouse for them, the couple gets married and the show follows their marriages.
Fox is also developing a show with a similar concept. “I Married a Stranger” (which sounds creepy but what do you expect from Fox?) basically has women who are frustrated with dating that agree to wed men they’ve never met. The women’s friends and family select a spouse from a pool of six eligible bachelors brought forth by the show’s producers. The men are eliminated one by one until there are only two left. Then both men walk down the aisle where only one will reveal himself at the “actual moment when they say ‘I do.’”
I think it’s important to point out that there’s a difference between arranged marriages and forced marriages. Not all arranged marriages are forced marriages. Most women in arranged marriages weren’t dragged kicking and screaming to the alter. These reality shows are taking the concept to the extreme but in the traditional sense both parties meet and get to know each other before agreeing to marry. These types of (arranged) marriages, according to Seth, have a significantly lower divorce rate (7 percent) than typical “Western” marriages (40-50) percent.
Sure, this path to marriage may not be for everyone. For some people, meeting someone and falling in love is exciting and awesome and taking that road, regardless of the outcome, is worth it. But for others, stability and long term happiness is more important even if it’s not love at first sight. Arranged marriage may be the key for their long term happiness.
I guess it’s only a matter of time before we’ll find out if arranged marriages become more prevalent and acceptable in Western culture. Somehow, I don’t think these reality shows will help.
Related posts:
- Noor: The Conspiracy Against the Arab Family and Unromantic Arab Men
- The Mathematics of Marriage.
- Planting Little Wahhabis All Over The World, Like Really Little Ones
- Muhajabats in America: Over-exposed?
- 21 Reasons America Blows Europe Out of the Water
I really hope my parents don't come across this.
Posted by sanaKF | June 8, 2009, 5:37 pmHaha. I feel ya.
Posted by NawalKF | June 8, 2009, 7:42 pm=) I love this! Exactly s what you have wrote Sana, not all arranged marriages are forced marriages. The next sentence you have there is very amusing. Also agree that those reality shows does not really embodies what an arranged marriage has but rather just an arranged meeting without accounting other important facts base on compatibility and also acceptance in accordance to time. Reality shows are practically some bifurcated idea of arrange marriage, which might be okay to some, but others might want something more solid and agreeable for a lasting marriage.
Cheers~~
Posted by Shu Ann, Oh | June 8, 2009, 6:19 pmOMG so many grammar mistakes:
s* after exactly–> typo
reality shows do (not does) embody (not embodies)
Posted by Shu Ann, Oh | June 8, 2009, 6:23 pmI can get behind this idea as long as it is the prospective bride/groom who is making the decision that they are interested in it. Marriages are difficult, and if the divorce rates are anything to go by, Americans aren't very good at picking their own mates.
Posted by programmer craig | June 8, 2009, 8:03 pmCome on, Craig. Let's make this happen. Baby, we can beat the odds.
Posted by SanaKF | June 8, 2009, 8:29 pmSana. I warn you. Craig has never been with a woman who wasn't pixelated.
Posted by PaliBoy | June 8, 2009, 10:15 pmAren't we all pixelated in one way or another anyway?
Oh yeah. Deep shit right there.
Posted by SanaKF | June 8, 2009, 10:29 pmBetter not let my ex-wife hear you say that
Posted by programmer craig | June 8, 2009, 11:35 pm/ignored
Posted by SanaKF | June 9, 2009, 1:35 amOmg. Four words: Don't tell my mother.
Posted by Aisha | June 8, 2009, 10:25 pmHahahaha Nawal and printing this out and showing your mom!
Posted by MohammadKF | June 8, 2009, 10:45 pmMohammad, I think my mom gave up a long time ago
Posted by NawalKF | June 8, 2009, 11:32 pmwtf? These backward practices are not becoming mainstream in America lol
Posted by eagle007blogger | June 8, 2009, 11:12 pmHow is it backward to ask for assistance in finding your future mate? e-Harmony stole its shit from this tradition, son.
Posted by SanaKF | June 8, 2009, 11:26 pme-Harmony does not arrange marriages? lol
e-Harmony is a dating service and there are thousands of them – something forbidden in a lot of the places where there is arranged marriage.
Anyway it is ridiculous to imply, as this article has, that arranged marriage is anything even close to mainstream in America, because it simply is not.
Now dating services and romance type services are being compared to arranged marriages – just so that it can be suggested that America is becoming more like the places where they arrange marriage. Wow what are are you guys smokin!?! lol I do see how a comparison could be made, but come on, getting help with finding a mate is much different than having a marriage arranged for you. Hey, is a friend setting you up with blind date the same as having your parents pick your soul mate for you when your 5 yrs old? Get real.
Posted by eagle007blogger | June 8, 2009, 11:39 pmDude, were you not paying attention? Nowhere in my post do I imply that arranged marriages are mainstream. I only suggest that the idea of arranged marriages is getting more exposure here in the US.
Also, I specifically say that there's a difference between arranged marriages and forced marriages. Like I said in the post, these people voluntarily marry. They're not people whose parents pick their soul mates when they're 5 years old, as you state, but people who've had help in finding a mate.
Posted by NawalKF | June 8, 2009, 11:50 pme-Harmony is a dating service and there are thousands of them – something forbidden in a lot of the places where there is arranged marriage.
Or not!
http://www.qiran.com/index.asp
Anyway it is ridiculous to imply, as this article has, that arranged marriage is anything even close to mainstream in America, because it simply is not.
No, its not. You're right. And it probably never will be. But I've worked with several people who got married to somebody back in the home country via arranged marriage, and they seem pretty happy. I'm all in favor of people doing whatever makes them happy, as long as nobody is getting hurt.
Hey, is a friend setting you up with blind date the same as having your parents pick your soul mate for you when your 5 yrs old? Get real.
Hey, I agree with you more often than not, but on this one I think you need to look into how it really works if you want to comment on it realistically. That's an extreme case, somthing like you are talking about there.
Posted by programmer craig | June 9, 2009, 1:20 amIt's only "backward" if it's forced and against the will of one or more of the participants.
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Posted by teddigrant | June 9, 2009, 1:04 amThe problem I have with this (from my personal perspective, not as a legal matter) is that it encourages people to be far more boring.
Genuinely exciting, interesting people who make it a serious priority to find someone else they truly ‘click’ with tend not to have problems. It’s the people who are little more than the collection of their parts — a job, a hobby or two, maybe some basic personality traits like ‘hard worker’ or ‘kind-hearted’ — who tend to benefit from using an arranged or semi-arranged marriage over love.
If they don’t have that option available, maybe it’ll dawn on them at some point that they’re doing it wrong, and start making themselves more interesting?
Posted by Joe | June 9, 2009, 2:17 amHmm, I'd beg to differ from personal experience. Not my own. But from those I've held close.
I think at the end of the day, you can't generalize about the sorts of people who get arranged marriages and those who search for someone to click with – because it should really be on whatever makes someone happy. It's why we do have such an array of media available for people to meet- from friends to family to bars to internet dating sites to KabobFest- there's more than one way to meet a potential spouse.
And an arranged marriage does not necessarily mean you don't "date" or "court" or whatever nor does it necessarily entail that you go through with it. There are a lot of various ways of going about it as well. Personal example – my primary way of finding my future spouse is through my own cougar claws, however I am still open and welcoming to the idea of my parents introducing me to someone and seeing how that plays out. There wouldn't be dating, but there'd be courtship. That's how an arranged marriage works in my context.
And I like to think I'm remotely interesting : D
I don't think particular people need MORE than anyone else because of their personality; it's just about what you personally want out of life and out of a long-term relationship.
Posted by SanaKF | June 9, 2009, 8:44 amGenuinely exciting, interesting people who make it a serious priority to find someone else they truly 'click' with tend not to have problems. It's the people who are little more than the collection of their parts — a job, a hobby or two, maybe some basic personality traits like 'hard worker' or 'kind-hearted' — who tend to benefit from using an arranged or semi-arranged marriage over love.
You bring up some good points, Joe. I didn't even start caring about whether or not women were interesting before I started dating them until I was about 25. Or maybe I did, but it was a different kind of "interesting" that I was looking for. The first time I dated a woman I found intellectually interesting, I ended up marrying her. And it didn't work out. So, I don't think "clicking" is enough. The "collection of parts" matters. In my case, there was a cultural divide. That didn't cause problems, but it did cause misunderstandings. If I'd married one of the "boring" women I used to date when I was a young guy, I might not have been as happy in my marriage but then again I might still be married, eh?
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here, except that marriage is complicated. I don't think there's any one recipe for success.
Posted by programmer craig | June 9, 2009, 3:37 pmI was simply pointing out that arranged marriage is not really the American way, not that there's anything wrong with it…
When America broke away from England, many of the unfair English ways were changed, such as not allowing soldiers to help themselves to your house and belongings, to changes in legal procedure such as being innocent until proven guilty and being able to confront your accuser, ect, to doing away with cruel and unusual punishment (they used to do some barbaric things in England such as pouring molten lead down peoples' throats or having people drawn and quartered)
England in the past was a very class-conscious place, and you were basically born into your place – but in America you may rise as far as you will, you have opportunity. In England, people of higher classes wouldn't marry people of lower classes, and to do so could have consequences such as being cut off from nobility. Marriages could be less about love than about money, politics, or family name.
But the American way is different. You are not bound by anything that tells you who you must marry. It's a wonderful thing! That's why I brought it up.
Also, it's sad that this post focuses on Hamas activities with match-making – as if to say "look how nice Hamas is" when everyone knows they are involved with social things. How else could they rule over the people they have taken over? They are like a pathetic version of the Mafia.
Posted by eagle007blogger | June 9, 2009, 11:48 pmOkay I think some things mentioned in the post are misleading. the #1 reason for the high divorce rate in the U.S really has little to do with the way the couple met, its because of financial reasons.
The Middle East and other regions where arranged marriages have become on the rise are experiencing increased divorce rates because both parties are now more involved with the workforce and all the complications that come with it. Also, Americans are a lot more willing to divorce because the culture here is more supportive to the idea whereas overseas, a divorcee would get a bad reputation and her chances of remarriage becomes slim.
With all that said, I think what Hamas does is a great thing
Posted by Lena | June 10, 2009, 3:41 pmWhat about these things that Hamas does:
Hamas 'harming Gaza opponents'
A rights group has accused Palestinian organisation Hamas of killing or maiming alleged collaborators and political opponents in Gaza.
It says the same violence has been inflicted on "opponents and critics" of the Hamas administration.
Many witnesses and victims are said to be too frightened to come forward.
But one victim told investigators how he had been taken from his home by masked men and shot in both legs.
Some of those killed are said to have been shot dead while receiving hospital treatment.
Posted by eagle007blogger | June 11, 2009, 5:46 pmWhat about these things that Hamas does:
Hamas 'harming Gaza opponents' http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/7881182.st…
A rights group has accused Palestinian organisation Hamas of killing or maiming alleged collaborators and political opponents in Gaza.
It says the same violence has been inflicted on "opponents and critics" of the Hamas administration.
Many witnesses and victims are said to be too frightened to come forward.
But one victim told investigators how he had been taken from his home by masked men and shot in both legs.
Some of those killed are said to have been shot dead while receiving hospital treatment.
Posted by eagle007blogger | June 11, 2009, 9:46 pmsorry I meant where 'love marriages' (I say this in quotes) have been on the rise in the M.E***
Posted by Lena | June 10, 2009, 3:44 pmand I have so many interesting and funny SET UP stories, especially with fobs…..I am tempted to swear off all fobs.
Posted by Lena | June 10, 2009, 3:46 pmI'm a mom of three sons. They all choose their own mates, however my oldest son has been married and divorced twice. He now intends to marry someone that is not right for him. He's only 28. My second son is 26 and has never been married but has had a succession of bad relationships. My youngest son is 24 and in the process of a divorce. This girl he's with is bad news.
I med an Indian woman who was in an arranged marriage and it has lasted 40 years and they are very much in love. She had the option of saying no if she didn't like him in the 30 minutes she had alone with him to talk. But she said that she could see that he had a kind heart and it was a good decision for her.
I think that your family and friends know you best. Especially your parents. and who would be better to help you find a lifetime mate but the people who love you the most. I wish we had arranged marriages here in America. If we did, I truly believe that there wouldn't be many divorces.
Posted by Sharon | September 16, 2011, 2:02 am@sharon : That is really true ma'm. I am an Indian and my parents have had an arranged marriage and is happily married for 30 + years.. when i came to UK for my Masters, My house mates were majority girls and from Europe and i got talking to one. so she was curious to know how we married ( coz i said i don't date or have a gf) and all and I said i'll marry a gal my parents chose for me. It was really hard for her to digest. she was asking me how can u live with a person whom you have jus met ?. I said it has been like that including my parents in my family for ages and all were happily married.
Posted by Md Ali | December 27, 2011, 7:47 pm