If you are sitting on the floor, you cannot fall. But they cannot all be winners. There are many things to love about the Arab people; you will not find anything here to speak to that. Here is a list of things that I resent and my people happen to be associated with them. Those by no mean represent Arabs, but I hate it when my people exhibit one or more of those traits. I feel I must disclose that I am neither a Neo-Con nor a self hating Arab. Here is my laundry list:
1- Your Cousins! The fact that your countless cousins are always trying to copy your style, talk shi* on your mom and steal your thunder. Being instantly judgmental on the basis of very little observed fact. Boy, do not you hate it when your female cousins straight up stare at and evaluate other women.
2- The fact that we are ok with belly fat. C’mon, you know your grandma hates your skinny figure. I wish I had a dime every time I was told in Arabic “belly fat means prestige”
3- Yellow gold, White gold anyone? Many of my Arabs wrongfully subscribe to the axiom, if it is not yellow, it isn’t gold. The women I know in Gaza wear the same style yellow gold bracelets. While we are at it, deodorant, hair gel and cologne, more is less and less is more.
4- There is no Fu*king Privacy! Only dead people get that benefit. Trying to read a book or write something in an Arab country…good luck with that! And do not answer “how much money do you make?” question.
5-Not everything that has carbonation is called bebsi! Coca Cola founders are rolling in their graves for that one. It’s like calling your girlfriend the wrong name…Bebsi just like the American flag has Red, White and Blue, c’mon people get on with the program.
6- Arab men obsession with John Claude Van Damme and his so called action movies. You know JCVD does not even watch his own movies anymore…life is too short.
7- The Entire Career of Celine Dion, yes, she is married a Lebanese Canadian man, but that does not justify playing her heard goes on in every Arab wedding. Celine, I loved you when I was a FOB, but there is so much hate for you here in the States…you are a Canadian for crying out loud.
8- Slurpees, most Arabs come from warm areas, so coping with the hot weather is a given, it is not like AC are available in most places. While it’s true that many Indians run 7/11 stores, many Arabs however run the slurpee machine. Cooling off in a hot summer day is made easier by those sugar loaded slushies.
9- Nuetella…Not-at-all, the whole peanut economy is keeping the south together. Many Arabs in America do not appreciate that and chose to eat either Halawa—made of sesame seed or more often than not use the hazelnut infused chocolate spread as someone with allergies, I find myself out of options on spreads.
10- Vimto, a drink largely made in the United Kingdom, a blend of grapes, raspberries and blackcurrants. It comes in a large glass bottle, mix it with water and you got yourself an awesome summer beverage. The problem with it, it’s everywhere you go in the Middle East—like fast food chains in the Bible Belt. Some equate its taste with cheap knockoff cough medicine you buy at the discount shelf at Target. Not to also forget Tang, the instant mix made popular in the Arab world where it’s imported it and then rerouted to the States from the old country where it came from Europe. Americans do not get the Tang nor the Vimto craze that dominates the Middle East like their military.
11- Instant Coffee, Arabs might have given the world coffee, but that does not give them the right to also ruin it for the rest of us. Coffee should never be instant, Nescafe is not real coffee and you are a jerk for subscribing to that.
12- The News, Not only do Arabs and Arab world rule a major chunk of your news; we are also addicted to watching ourselves like one’s first YouTube video. Most Arab household classify news as entertainment where not even the latest (or best) Star Wars movie can compete with the various conflicts of the Arab land.
13- Paula Abdul, ok Arabs and Jews collaborated in the making of this TV persona. She comes from a Jewish Arab ancestry. While she might be the nice one on the set of American ideal, she still makes more gaffes, generate more erratic and bizarre behavior than a dozen of Hollywood wannabes.
14- Algebra, they had to invent this bugger and give us all headaches. Leave it to the Greeks, they could have used some bad PR, no one is bothering them for investing philosophy.
15- Ralph Nader’s seat belt… which most Arabs don;t use anyways!
16- The attitude in discussing anything as an expert, which means their version of a “conversation” is them delivering a monologue. Combined with the egoistic sensitivity. Being easily insulted and getting dramatic about it.
17- Using kleenex for everything that requires napkins or tissues. I am just done trying to explain the difference.
18- We think conspiracy theories explain everything political. No wonder Arab Americans make fine Libertarians.
19- We think anything Arab is the greatest, without realizing we borrowed it from another culture and that it is really not that much better than the equivalent elsewhere.
20- Preferring white skin over dark skin. Millions of dollars spent by Arabs on whitening lotions and creams. Incidentally, Americans are undoing their witness by using the tanning ones.
21- When men who neither daylight as butchers nor moonlight as Hannibal Lector smell like raw meat for some reason.
22- Our excellent memories and recall abilities. Arabs have great abilities to remember things; I think it has to do with being an oral people, rather than written word people. This might come from watching way too much TV and reading too little. A tip, never borrow money from an Arab.
23- Inherent conservatism, bitch!
24- Arabic Names Like Anas
25- This Guy