When I wrote the piece “13 Arab Guys Not to Date,” I followed it by “13 Arab Girls Not to Date,” this in turn prompted many readers to call us names and accuse us of an assortment of conspiracies against Arabs and Muslims. One question that kept showing up on the comment section is, “So who are we supposed to date?” While we will leave paid dating sites to answer that question for you, we will gladly tell you (based on field observations and undercover work) which Arab guy you will most likely marry. Let’s meet your potential future husbands and get to know them a bit better and do not forget to send us your wedding invitation.

1. Hassan, the Grease Monkey. Everyone loves this guy, his honesty and good-heartedness makes him popular amongst his town’s countrymen as well as the natives. Hassan is your textbook -immigrant- success story that politicians love to proclaim. He is hardworking, trustworthy, and naturally religious. He owns an oil change in a shady part of town, and all the locals go to him; however his faith does not guarantee that he won’t overcharge you for his services. He’s very handy and will fix anything around the house, so long as he has his monkey wrench and electric wire tape. His wife is very vocal about his dirty clothes and smelly shoes. She’s discovered and patented the fastest way to de-grease a man, it’s speculated to be a mix of Pine Sol, bleach, Windex and soap (an invention to give Mr. Clean a run for his money). She’s happy only when her husband is pristine clean. She is a great cook as Hassan prefers homemade meals at the end of his shift. The wife loves his attitude about fixing anything, but he cannot really fully comprehend her emotions. This guy makes a good father and he especially loves his girls. Hassan comes in handy when you need to get something fixed, he will be able fix your jewelry, bags, favorite shoes, dishwasher and washer machine. An added bonus, you will never be cheated by a car mechanic ever again—any girl that drives will tell you this is priceless.

2. Yaman, the mDoc. He makes the most money and the cleanest on this list. He’s always tanned, well groomed and dressed in the latest designer suits. He does not have many friends and cannot tell you the latest gossip or news. He’s a board member of numerous non-profits; he often opens his checkbook and spreads the wealth. As he grows older, he will volunteer to do surgeries overseas. Yaman has the trophy wife who cannot make up her mind on what car to take for her hair salon visit. In her opinion, Botox is the best medical invention since liposuction. She’s had a few plastic surgeries including the not-so-subtle nose and boob job. Yaman gladly pays for his wife’s expenses as he knows it takes money to look good. This guy is great on taking time for vacations and making sure his kids get a superior education. His wife has to be a good cook; because of his long work hours, he is sick of restaurant food and carries out, so go ahead and put on your apron, ladies. Unless you are a fellow physician, then his mom will come to the rescue. Do not hope to get him to fix that loose door knob; doctors do not have the time, he repairs hearts not hardware. In theory he loves working women, but he loves his children too much to entrust them to a babysitter. Fun fact, if you like biking, and taking hikes this is the guy to marry as he tries to be physically active.

3. George, the Lawyer Hammer. He’s a graduate from an Ivy League law school making him the most sought after husband on the list. He’s the best to have a conversation with and talk about the world, just do not try to tell him you know something he doesn’t otherwise you will see an ugly side. If he’s the principled type, you live in the suburbs and your kids will love you. If he’s the corporate types, he will live in a suitcase and his kids will hate him. There is a risk that the asshole approach he uses in his line of work might have little spillover to his home. On the upside, George will make sure his kids get a free education by applying to all sorts of scholarships. Other perks, the lawyer will almost always have a collection of pictures with politicians and famous people he meets at galas that he is often invited to so that he can schmooze. His flawless Arabic comes out only when he tells you how much he will be billing you. There is good news; you almost can be certain that no one will ever take advantage of you by suckering you into a weak contract or cheat you on anything. Also, if you are into well dressed men, George won’t disappoint in suits or polo shirts. Just do not try to ask him to give your girlfriends any free legal advice.

4. Sam, the Subway Guy. He is the youngest on the list to get married, he is well off as he owns a number of small businesses (Laundromat, Deli…etc.) but Sam never knows what to wear, and he has no sense of style. He almost never wears dress shoes unless he is going to the local bank to meet with a broker about a refinance loan. He is the closest to his mother and she loves him dearly. He’s obese but he does not care and what he lacks in maturity he makes up for by buying you things. Be aware, he’s very cheap so the things he will buy you are most likely from the clearance or sales rack or possibly last year’s style; none the less he will buy you plenty of it because after all, it was 50% off and he had a 20% coupon. He has plenty of insecurities and avoids the smarty pants Arab professionals for they make him feel uneasy— all while he touts he makes more money than they do. He wants to marry a good girl with looks to match those of the girls in hip hop videos or The Jersey Shore; the more makeup, the higher the heels and bigger the hair, the better. He doesn’t mind a girl that’s not hot, as long as she respects his mom, and looks good after she puts her makeup on. He is not too big on vacations; his idea of a vacation is visiting the old country to catch up with his other immature hip hop dressed cousins. He is popular with his local mosque/church as he often donates for whatever project they got going on and by age 30 he already owns a condo. On the upside of this, his lack of carrying on intelligent conversations, he compensates for by manning the barbecue grill where he is grilling you a lamb that he slaughtered and skinned himself.

5. Minding the Store, Oz. He works at his dad’s store, he will marry his cousin or whatever blonde that he dated in high school and he likes new gadgets and boy toys. Even though he has been working in the store since he was 12, he still gets an allowance from his old man. He often tells racist jokes that only he and his grandma find funny. His friends all combined have an average IQ of 130. He refuses to grow up and thinks he is a tough guy so he spends plenty of time at the gym and he frequently tells you of the constant armed robberies his store has to put up with. His mom is the boss and she will frequently interfere in your life and his, it is hard not to when they live on the same street as you do. He went to college but never finished, and he has a degree from a vocational training institution. He thinks his friends love him, but in reality they only hang out with him when he orders UFC matches and other paid sport programming and bring out the hookah. He has a good heart and it’s in the right place, he is close to his family and his future wife, he will spoil you in the hopes you will just turn a blind eye to all the childish things he does. He will keep you busy in so many ways that you will never need to work; you will be spending plenty of time visiting with his friends’ wives. He is cool with you volunteering to teach kids Arabic at the local mosque and church.

6. The Potentially rich Haitham, naturally handsome and shy (unless he is into political science) he is in his last year of his PhD program, so you would think his income will be high upon graduation, of course his last year in PhD never comes to an end as he never seems to be able to close on the PhD dissertation. From the outside Haitham seems uptight and not fun, as he rarely speaks his mind but that does not stop him from holding the record in past failed relationships; just do not ask him to recount why they went south. Being enlightened means he does not like to see his people play to the stereotype by sitting around smoking hookah and watching music videos all day. Om Haitham wanted her boy to be called “Doctor” but he can never get into medical school so a doctor of philosophy sounded like a good compromise. He likes women with “natural” beauty, ones that are not shallow or materialistic as he can’t afford to buy you anything. The moment he is about to have a baby with you, he realizes that he needs to get cracking and finish his degree only to be offered a teaching positions at the local community college. On the upside, you know he is a finisher and he is well liked by his students, he has a stable income and a good shape and he does not mind cooking and doing the dishes since it’s the enlightened thing to do.

7. Jim, the Journalist. He is older, almost always has nice thick hair. Jim takes his job seriously even though he never went to journalism school. He runs a publication of sort for the local community, but he might as well be in the ad selling business. He has great contacts in the community, but he’s not well liked by many due to his sometimes provocative opinions—which sells him papers. He is a chain smoker and almost always has a smoking hot secretary working for him. Going to the movies with Jim is a painful experience as he is always on his phone either selling ads or getting news tips. Most people hate working with Jim as he is a hustler and gives nothing for free. He claims to be a voice of reason while his only concern is to double his bank account and win some award to hang in his office. 15 years ago he wrote a book titles “Being [fill in the blank] in America” and he uses that to establish his name out there. Being the showiest of Arab husbands’ means the wife has to always look her best (fake diamond, fake nails, fake hair and the whole 9 yards). You can often find him chasing strangers down and asking them to be on his mailing list. On the upside, most people will be nicer to his wife as they do not want his paper to give them a negative review, his wife will have many friends and her boss will like her and she can do no wrong. The kids will be spoiled brats who think the world owes them something for being Jim’s douchebag offspring. To his credit Jim is always nice to your mother when she visits; he travels frequently which means frequent encounters with the TSA agents.

P.S. Sorry ladies, the Arab engineer will marry whomever his mom scouts out. If interested, do not worry about earning Ali’s affection, instead take his mom shopping.

[Tarboush Tip: Meriana, Token, Steve, Programmer Buydatti]

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