By Osama bin Laden

It’s very, very important that the Ground Zero Mosque moves forward quickly. It’s our monument to Jihad. You see, it is the third phase of our four phase Al-Qaeda strategy plan. Without this essential edifice, we will not be able to fulfill our “Jihad in America 2010″ pledge to our donors. While we’re only behind a few years at best, we’d like to have this accomplishment in the bag by year’s end for our 2010 annual report.

Back in 1995, we developed an ambitious five year plan. We were in Sudan, and feeling like we were going to get kicked out any minute.  Boy were we right.

That’s when I had my top thinkers put together this timeline, which our consultants recommended every organizations needs.

We figured we could launch a major attack on the United States in 2001, which would draw them into some Muslim country (little did we know we’d get two for the price of one!).  Phase one was carried out very competently in September, 2001.  It drew the United States in to wars that only weakened it, and pissed everyone else off.  It really put us on the map and proved to be better advertising than all the internet chatrooms in eternity.

During the second phase, in which we wanted American occupation, Muslim resistance would grow, and would spread to Muslims in the West.  Americans would freak out over the sight of anything Muslim and act to prove wrong all the Muslims who foolishly think they can assimilate into the West. We and our American friends would both see this as a clash between civilizations, which squeezes out all the bleeding hearts in the middle.

After the election of 2008, we’d start the third phase while I was in hiding. We’re there now.  The plan said that a group of seemingly mainstream Muslims would seek to build a trophy mosque to celebrate our 2001 attack. Located close enough to the site of the 2001 attack so a man pulling a dialysis machine could make the walk comfortably, this plan would set off a furor in the country. Lacking the legal tools to stop it, our enemies would first try using obscure municipal commissions to stop the building and then, in desperation, appeal to ideas they’ve always loathed, such as the need to respect the political sensitivities of historical victims.

The inability of our enemies to stop the building of a lovely shrine to the heroes of Al-Qaeda would drive them crazy and cause them to not only embarrass themselves with tacky demonstrations, but would push them to turn to crazy and violently loopy tactics. Their craziness would divide the country and alienate the political supporters of the liberal leaders too cowardly to say anything. This would get so ugly, and it would be so shocking to everyone, it would push even more Muslims around the world into joining Jihad against the West. Ha ha ha ha ha. I am an evil genius. yes.

The fourth phase would come after this building/shrine goes up. We would set it up with swimming pools and basketball courts, which we would use to train athletes for Jihad. When it gets so crowded that one must wait minutes just to ‘work in’ at the bench press and reserve the racquetball court hours in advance, we’d know that we’d be ready to topple Washington and move the capital to Baluchistan.

So, as you can see. The Ground Zero Mosque is really important and we’ve all worked so hard up until now. Do not spoil it. As the American satanic imperialist Kevin Costner said in ‘Field of Dreams,’ “if you build it, he will come.”  He, of course, is me.

Osama bin Laden is the leader of Al-Qaeda.

Related posts:

1. “If they build a mosque at ground zero, fly a plane into it”
2. Guest Post:”Jihad Jane” Story Smells Fishy
3. Guest Post: Our Islamic President
4. I’m jihading to find the right words to say…
5. Al Qaeda Promotional Videos