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6 Ways to Really Get an Arab Guy

Like, really.

As many of our ever-loyal readers know, the Hanitizer has established a set of popular and pretty damn accurate lists ranging from the disgustingly viral 13 Arab Guys You Should Never Date to 7 Girls Arab Guys Hit On. While the Hanitizer’s countless lists have rang far too true for many of our readers, I have often found that they targeted, more often than not, an Arab audience. And hey, that’s fine. That’s cool. Whatever. We’re the “irreverent Arab-American activist blog” you all know and love. But as one of a very extinct few resident non-Arab Kabobers, I thought it would help put together a helpful list for non-Arab Arabphiles – such as my unfortunate self and the vast majority of North Americans of Pakistani descent – that is far more easily relatable and understandable.

I hope this list can serve as a guide to all non-Arab Arabphile females in realizing how they can really attain that Arab they’ve had their eye on ever since they decided to completely despise their ethnic heritage, self-Arabize and vow to never marry a man even somewhat close to their geographic origins.

Small eyes. You're doing it wrong.

1. Look Arab. This drives Arab men crazy. You don’t really look like you’re from whatever country you arbitrarily find your roots..but you’re so totally from there ..but you so totally don’t look it. You look like you could be Arab. But you’re not. But you look Arab. What you really are, in fact, is a completely and utter mind-French-Connection-UK. He’s attracted to you physically because you give him a sort of ethnic-kin comfort and he’s further more attracted to you because you’re an exoticized and more socially-acceptable version of the lady who cleans his toilets back home. But his Um will be having none of you anyway.

Oh, and squint your eyes if you’re of South Asian/Persian descent. Big eyes – naturally and not through the help of Shaykh Mac al-Makeup- give it away immediately.

2. Speak Arabic. Arab guys love non-Arab girls speaking Arabic. We pronounce everything horrendously. It reminds them of

MAHA AND KHALID 4EVA

their kid cousins, which in turns fulfills the infantile-female narrative/my-culture-prevails narrative and you are instantly an object of momentary desire or at least interest. At the end of the day, however, he doesn’t want his kids speaking Arabic like a valley girl with a bad case of linguistic MS.

3. Know Arabic Culture. So, you’ve had the unfortunate circumstance of being birthed through a Persian unmentionable – that’s fine. You can make up for this by knowing various Arabic colloquial phrases, owning all the Fairouz albums on your iTunes, and know exactly the difference in Egyptian bellydance and dancing from the Khaleej (p.s. the Masris are totally all about the hands and the Khaleejis are about walking back and forth, whippin’ their hair, and generally having a smug face). But don’t spread yourself too thin – know a few key things about the generalized Arab culture, but remember to focus on one particular country. Lebanon’s a good one if you’re into living the good life, superficiality and men who look and sound pretty ..uh ..like this guy. Palestine’s also good if you’re into victimization, activist bandwagoning and socially-acceptable anti-Semitism. Regardless, he’s going to need someone who really gets the nuances. Even if he doesn’t. His seed must be cultivated to its full potential.

4. Be a White, Voluptuous Girl. Convert to Islam. And Just Maybe You’ll ‘Luck’ Out. That’s pretty much it.

Milk moustaches are okay AND suggestive!

5. Get Laser Hair Removal. Aunties will rub your arms up and down at parties to determine the hair-to-skin ratio and men will put in their marriage contracts that you must remain properly waxed, plucked, tweezed, shaven and threaded at all times, because God forbid a woman has hair anywhere other than the top of her head. But laser hair removal’s expensive and not permanent (get preggo’d and the hair’s back!) and there’s no guarantee it’ll work even after you’ve dished out a few thousand. So, either you’re genetically blessed, somehow escaping your ethnic gene pool’s hairy construct, or see number 4.

6. Be Arab. Sorry, but he can’t marry the construction worker’s daughter or a heathenous White whore. He’ll go out with you, flirt with you; shower you with gifts and make an abundant amount of amazing promises that you know in your little insecure mind and heart will never materialize (with, again, the slight possibility of number 4). Just remember that at the end of the day – seed’s gotta be pure and mama’s gotta approve.

In the words of the 4EVA-alive 2pac: I know you’re fed up ladies, but keep your heads up.

Just go for White guys. They’ll take whatever.

[tarboush tip: Hanitizer]

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