For Nerds Only - Arabic Scrabble

I couldn't help but wonder...


More images here.
I dare someone, anyone, to join the wordgame programmers listserv.

Tarboush Tip: Kabobfriend Sarah

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Awkwardness in Arabic Class IV

The saga of the Arabic teacher's insanity continues.

Professor: You know, the Prophet Mohammad is like Panama's Noriega. I swear he is. I'll tell you, Mohammad was raised by Jews - in fact, his first wife Khadija was Jewish. He was also raised by her uncle, another Jew. He learned from them and then once enlightened took over the way he see fit. Just like Noriega. Isn't this a problem of America? U.S. of A has a problem with this. It makes leaders and then the leaders turn on it. Isn't this the case for Saddam Hussein of Iraq? Oh I forget there is no longer an Iraq, your president destroyed it. It's the same with Bin Laden and Noriega. This is a bad habit of America. You create, but can't control. It's amazing. But I don't mind. I'm proud to be an American. Like Colbert says, I AM AMERICA!!

And that, my friends, is the absolute worst analogy EVER.

Don't forget to read Awkwardness in Arabic Class I, II, & III. Have interesting tales from Arabic class? E-mail them to KABOBfest.

[tarboush tip: a KABOBpal]

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Awkwardness in Arabic Class III

Yes, the insanity continues ~

At this stage in the game, our professor adamantly believes that we should all be able to recognize every letter of the Arabic alphabet in initial, medial, and end position. Unfortunately, not everyone is doing their homework & so many are still saying "zaa" for "raa" and "yaa" for "taa." This has left our professor very frustrated - so much so that he's decided to move onto vocabulary words whether we're ready for them or not.

Last night we were assigned our first set of vocabulary words - thirteen "household items" in all. After spending an hour sounding out every syllable out loud and in slow motion, our professor suddenly declared: "Stop saying 'khaa' for 'jaa' - if you cannot recognize the letters by now, then studying language is not for you!"

This was the most perturbed I've seen him in all six weeks of class. In fact, he was so annoyed that he decided: "Now I am going to tell you a word and you must spell it in super lightening speed. There is no excuse for being slow! For example, when I say tilfaz, you say ta - lam - fa - alif - zan."

In a last-ditch effort to increase our spelling speed, he decided to tailor stories for each student that would encourage him or her to spit out the correct letters quickly. Below are the three most interesting stories:

Molly: the American soldier

Teacher: Listen to me Molly. Imagine that you are in Iraq and you are confronted by Iraqi children you want to shoot down with a machine gun because you are violent. POW! POW! POW! POW! This is is how fast I want you spell the word hatif.

Molly: Ha... um... eeh?... ta... if.

Teacher: Sorry, you were only able to kill a few.


Jeffrey: the Jewish kid

Teacher: Ok Jeffrey. You are my favorite. Imagine that you... let me think... ok, you are chasing after a Palestinian family. You want to destroy their lives fast, so you shoot the mother, kick the baby, and bulldoze the house. Really fast, like 1 - 2 - 3! Kill them! Spell kalam - Go!

Jeffrey: (laughing) ka - lam - meem

Teacher: Congratulations you are a murderer


Me: the lone Arab

Teacher: Ok we all know that you are Palestinian. I want you to imagine that an Israeli like Jeffrey is coming to steel your grandfather's house...

Me: They already did.

Teacher: Oh. Ok, imagine that an Israeli like Jeffrey is coming to steel your grandfather's orchard...

Me: They did that too.

Teacher: Ok then, imagine that Jeffrey is chasing you with a gun and you need to runaway with your life. Spell the following word very fast: Hasoob!

Me: ha - alif - seen - wow - ba

Teacher: Perfect! You are safe and alive... for now.

Jeffrey didn't make eye contact with me for the rest of the class.

Don't forget to read Awkwardness in Arabic Class I & II. Have interesting tales from Arabic class? E-mail them to KABOBfest.

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Awkwardness in Arabic Class II

Remember when Will posted Awkwardness in Arabic Class -- a KABOBfriend's account of his first day in Arabic class? Well here's his most recent submission, and it's even more hilarious than the last...

So I told you about my Arabic class and my crazy Egyptian teacher, right? Well get this...

At our last class he totally laughed at a girl who just found out she's being deployed to Iraq. Then, as if that wasn't enough, he followed it up with something to the effect of, "I bet they lured you into signing onto the Army with a free toaster, huh? Well good. It's fitting. Because now the Iraqis will make you toast!"

Then, after some white girl's inability to pronounce the "ghaaaaa" sound annoyed him, he instructed the class: "To practice ghaaaaaaaaaa by making pretend that you are being waterboarded by American occupation forces. It sounds exactly the same!"

THEN! During a class exercise in which we were repeating after him the names of Arab countries and their capitals, he totally bitched out this Jewish kid:

Teacher: Fa-la-steen

Class: Fa-la-steen

Teacher: Just joking. There's obviously no such thing as Fa-la-steen, because that's Arabic for Palestine.

Me: Actually, there is such thing as Palestine.

Teacher: No. Show it to me on a map? It doesn't exist any more, right Jeffrey? (the Jewish kid)

Jeffrey: No it doesn't.

Teacher: And why is that Jeffrey? Because you destroyed it for us, right Jeffrey?

Jeffrey: (laughing) Yeah, I guess we did.

Teacher: That's what I thought. Now repeat after me Jeffrey - the capital of Fa-la-steen is Al-quds.

Jeffrey: Al-quds.

This class is fucking hilarious! I have no idea why no one's complained yet. If I was a honkie, I'd totally rat his ass out... but for now, shit it's all laughs for me.

Have interesting tales from Arabic class? E-mail them to KABOBfest.

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Awkwardness in Arabic Class

A friend of KABOBfest sent in this exchange from Day 1 of an Arabic class in Washington D.C.

I've known many Arabic teachers, especially since 9/11, who grapple over the question of their students' intent. They handle it in different ways, but usually they do not say anything direct. They may drop little political clues here and there.

This is the most direct -- and implicitly anti-Semitic -- I've ever heard of.

Wanna hear something funny? Tonight was the first night of my Arabic course and my Egyptian teacher starts off with this (read with heavy accent)...

"I am hear to teach you Arabic. Some of you come to learn because you plan to go kill Iraqi babies. Some of you prefer not, maybe you stay here and kill Arab-American instead. You laugh now, but time will tell why you choose to learn."

I was the only Arab in the room - needless to say, he made all the Navy, Army, and Jewish kids very uncomfortable. Afterwards, he asked us to introduce ourselves and say why we want to learn Arabic. When he gets to me, we have the following exchange...

Teacher: You have very Arabic Name. I gather you are Arab?

KF Friend: Yes, I'm Palestinian.

Teacher: But you are born from here, no?

KF Friend: Yes, but my parents were born and raised in the West Bank.

Teacher: That is not what it is called. It is called OCCUPIED WEST BANK! Never forget. It is occupied, right?

KF Friend: Yes, very much so.

Teacher: Then that is what we shall call it from now on (as he stares directly into the eyes of a giggling Jewish student).

Fun times... he later claimed that "God of Alphabet" is more powerful than the almighty Allah, and that he - and only he - is his messenger. By the end of the class he was translating every word he taught us in Arabic into Hebrew... just to prove that Arabic sounds more nuanced.

Have interesting tales from Arabic class? E-mail them to KABOBfest.

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Hey guys it's the Arab Youtube AND Flickr!!

How did this happen and we completely missed it? Or, I completely missed it.

I knew about iToot.net, the network of Arab blogs. But many of those are also in English, thus excluding many exclusively Arabic-speaking people. Now the makers of Toot have come out (as of late 2006) with another site that is like Youtube and Flickr in one, and in Arabic: http://ikbis.com/.

They were even featured in Newsweek. I read in Jordan's Pulp Magazine (I was up till the dawn adhaan jetlagged and was bored, ok?) about Ikbis in an interview with its creator Ahmad Humeid where he says that the goal is to incorporate other Jordanians and Arabs besides those in West Amman in the Internet revolution.

A lot of people, especially in the Gulf, don't speak English very well. And according to our statistics, most people prefer the Arabic interface over the English one. Not everyone in the Arab world is like people in West Amman. For the most part, everyone here speaks English. But that's not always the case.

Other pluses of Ikbis include the fact that it's videos and pictures in one place (in other words, better than Youtube and Flickr both), and the fact that there's no pornography so they don't go getting their site banned in a bunch of places. (Sorry Nadeem)

I guess that means we can't link the Indian Buffalax video to it?

Also a big draw is this:

So why would I, as an English speaking person in Jordan, choose Ikbis over Youtube?

You use Ikbis if you want to be part of a smaller, more focused community.... For example, there was an American Muslim guy who wanted to talk about culture and religion and start dialogue about Islam and the West. When he put his video up on YouTube, he got no responses. But when he put it up on Ikbis, he got hundreds of views and comments. So, you go to Ikbis when you want a more localized, Arabic experience.

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Tuesday Night Tunes

I don't care what anyone says about the Sa3eed, this Masri brotha can get down with the best of 'em... ferrserious.

(tarboush tip: E to tha M to tha I.L.Y)

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Gay Harry Potter Character Outed as Arab!

Queer Eye for the Magical Guy?

Although the blogosphere and the media who care what's going on the blogosphere are making much ado about Harry Potter character Albus Dumbledore's outing as gay, they are missing the real story here.

J.K. Rowling caused a stir by announcing that a fictional character spent several movies and books covering in order to get-by in a straight-dominated magical land. Naturally, I assumed it was Harry himself given that special night we had a few books ago (but well after he turned 18).

What the media frenzy is missing is the perhaps even more obvious ethnicity of the gay wizard, or should I say, sheikh? That's right, if the beard, galabiyya and black tarboush (and Islamic architecture doors) in the picture above don't convince you, dare I remind you that his first name Albus, or "Al-boose," means "the kiss" in Arabic!

Gay!

And his last name is clearly an anagram of "murod bleed." Murod is an Arabic/Turkish name meaning "someone who is wanted or liked" (which is so gay!). "Bleed" clearly refers to the pain of being gay in a violently homophobic setting, whether in America of wherever the gay Arab sheikh lives (to refer to a recent episode of 'Aliens in America,' Fudgepackistan'?!?).

Coincidence?! Hell no!

---

In all seriousness, I applaud Rowling for sticking it to the Right on this. What a move! It is refreshing to see this kind of bold-faced challenge in the bland, profit-driven entertainment climate.

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Nostaglic InRANTation: Stop Co-opting My Culture!

Long before (and by "long" I mean, a month before the "kuffiyeh kraze" first graced this lovely blog) I vitriolically slammed New York Hipsters for ignorantly wrapping the ever so dead kuffiyeh around their "red" necks on KABOBfest, I did just that on my myspace blog. Check it out:

Thursday, October 05, 2006

STOP CO-OPTING MY CULTURE!!! Current mood: aggravated Category: Life to serve your desires of journalistic career advancement or to add an avant-garde twist to your sense of fashion (if I see another white chick outfitted in an ode to 80s garb-crushed black flat boots with black tights and an oversized amorphous sweater rocking a Palestinian kuffiyah as a scraf-I'm going to "ka-sar" some "ras"!!!!) One of the most insulting things happened to me today in my Anthropology Principles class. Scene: An overly-crowded classroom of underwhelmed anthro grad students waiting for their caffeine jolt to kick watch the clock tick and tock in the absence of substantive material to write. There's an obvious disconnect between the people's interest and the topic at hand. As such, I'm taking every opportunity to catch up on my email replies and research on Malcolm. However, something did momentarily tear me away from myspace profile browsing practices. In a discussion concerning the difference between interpretation and language, an older Mary Quck Gates-type (okay, only two people at most reading this blog will understand this reference, but the correlation is so pricelessly accurate it's worth sacrificing some level of lucidity) chimed in with a "relevant" example to the discussion at hand. She spouted off a phrase in Arabic which I initially couldn't understand because of the barbaric butchering job her completely off-the mark accent produced. As such, I asked her to repeat herself. And instead of doing that, she decided to translate it for me. And yes, her pronouncement and translation were both off. She spoke and translated it just the way I would expect a white-breed and bread cultural elitist of an American to do...with a false sense of authority and understanding. And I don't expect her to have a hold of the Arabic language comparable to let's say a native citizen who studies medicine at a Syrian university (I say this because Syria is one of the only countries in the Middle East where Medicine is taught in Modern Standard Arabic-imagine the added challenge of learning medicine!!!), but to speak with an heir of authority (and consequently assume an interpretative authority) just because you are on your second year of Arabic study in a university, that is precisely where one's comments come off as exceedingly patronizing. More than my obvious need to expel the nefarious energy brewing inside of me, I wanted to know what people thought of perhaps my overly-culturally sensitive take on this. To be honest, my sensitivity levels have lately been off the richter scale-I mean I did almost cry in class on Monday at the realization of the futility in our discussion (and perhaps of my choice of academic study) and I have been girlishly touched by my father string of text message updates. On a side not, if I hear someone preface any discussion of power with, "Well, taking the Foucauldian notion of discipline into account..." I will mos definitely tear out my hair and resume my rampage of "ka-sar"-ing "ras"-es Fin Currently listening : Follow the Leader By Eric B. & Rakim Release date: 26 April, 2005

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Single female, 29, seeking a free Palestine

Throughout my life I have had what can only be described as series of one night stands with the languages of French, Italian, Yucatec, Farsi, and Mam. No... that's not true. French and I were together in high school for two years, throughout which I was referred to as Eleanor. But French and I never fell in love. It was two years of a meaningless, meaningless relationship -- and I do mean meaningless.

I'm 29 now, and according to my friend Alexis' dad, 29 year-olds are supposed to settle down already, and that there's something wrong with us if we don't. Of course, he's completely wrong. Totally wrong. We're not even 29, actually. We're 25.

But if I must make a committment (is that how you spell committment?), I think that spending the rest of my life with a language that might lead to the freeing of Palestine would best serve my immediate purposes. (And I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life before that occurs -- I'm only 25.)

Last week, I enrolled in beginning Arabic. So far it's lust, but I think I see a future. My professor asked that I pick out a language-appropriate name. Apparently, QuiQui doesn't mean anything in Arabic, so I'm not allowed to use it. This is an outrage. At least in Tagalog QuiQui means "vagina."

So my Arabic name is Kifah. Isn't it beautiful? The KABOBers helped pick it out. They said it means "struggle." I wonder why didn't they just name me Jihad? It later occured to me that maybe kifah did not mean "struggle" and that they were playing a joke on me and that I'd unsuspectingly introduce myself to a class full of first-year undergraduates as "Hi, my name is loser" or something. I didn't know! I was going to be like one of those stupid kids with the tattoo in the Chinese letters who thinks it says "Strength" but says something else like "I am an imbecile." I could see this happening with Kifah. Believe it or not, the KABOBers like to fuck with people sometimes. I had to verify it with the professor.

Yesterday, I read somewhere that Arabic is the 4th most widely spoken language in the world after Mandarin, English and Spanish. I find this to be a pretty interesting tidbit seeing that I'm fluent in English and Spanish. If I knew Mandarin, I'd be able to communicate with over one third of humanity. That would be cool. And I could finally get that tattoo.

But I've never had the desire to learn Mandarin, even while I was in China -- even while I was in the part of China where no international tourists ever visited and no one knew a lick of English. I have no idea how I got around. But still, no desire to learn.

See, I keep hearing Mandarin is ridiculously difficult and that I can probably learn five other languages in the time it'll take just to learn that one. (Although Fayyad just told me that someone told him that Arabic is proving to be just as challenging as Mandarin which I hope isn't going to be true for me.)

They say that the best way to become fluent in a language is to live in a place where they speak it a lot. I agree. Living in the U.S. is how I learned English, after all. That, and by watching a lot of "Three's Company" between the ages of seven and nine -- man that was one nasty, nasty show. I didn't realize that until a few years ago. I can't believe my mom let me watch that!

So, in my desire for Arabic fluency I have decided to move to Egypt next year; if anything, it would be nice to be able to understand all of the dirty Arabic shit that Nadeem sends around the KABOBfest listserv, without having to bother my 72 year-old Lebanese neighbor with translating.

Oh, I'm so lying. I don't even have a 72 year-old Lebanese neighbor. He's 21, and actually loves any excuse to talk dirty to the older woman across the hall that he could never have but has lusted over for the past two years so the next best thing is to pretend a little so keep sending them over habibi, he says.

So it occurs to me (I don't know why) to go on the Cairo Craigslist to see if I can start befriending someone over there seeking a trade in Arabic for English, or Arabic for Spanish, or Arabic for salsa lessons. So upon a keyword search of "Arabic," I come across two items. The first is a post announcing that a lonely and allegedly athletic, allegedly good-looking foreigner, 31, is seeking a woman to fuck:

English speaking female sought - 31
Hi there, i am a foreigner currntly residing in Cairo.It can get lonely at times for a non arabic speaker in a city lke Cairo. I am of atheletic build, considered good looking, but most importantly know how to treat a lady right. So if you're adventurous with a good sense of humour and fancy some no strings attached fun drop me a line. Egyptains females speaking english are more than welcome to respond to this ad as well, discretion assured.

And then there's the American woman, 44, seeking to bribe a dark male (preferrably one with the Egyptian nose) with promises of a green card in exchange for true love:

american woman looking for egyptian man for ltr - 44
i am a 44 yr old american woman who seeks an egyptian spouse from egypt or usa. I love egyptians, especially those who have darker colored skin and hair, and a beautiful egyptian nose. I am looking for someone between the ages of 35-46 who is kind, hardworking, honest, treats me like a lady, and would be interested in coming to the usa to be my spouse. I am looking for true love, so men just looking for a green card need not apply. Must be educated, speak english, and love american women. I myself am tall, blond and blue eyed, educated, kind, hardworking, trustworthy and devoted. I am a good cook when it comes to arabic food, love the music and language, and want to learn arabic. Masalam and izzayak.

Okay. New plan. Maybe I need to be more specific about the type of friendship I'd like to spark. So I think about the shit that's always on my mind. Hmmm... what's the first keyword that pops into my head?

Would I be too specific by typing in something like "Palestine?" Apparently, yes. No search results. Palestine doesn't exist. Golda Meir is has been reincarnated as the Cairo Craigslist, everybody.

Fine. I type in a less specific yet to-the-point yet sappy ass search string: "make a difference in the world" and holy shit! I actually get a result:

looking 4 billionaire boyfriend/companion/lover and partner - 40
hello. i m looking for someone I can grow with. I am also a dad of a son..and he is number one. If U R a gay dad, cool for me..I m in need of help, and I m hoping u LL see my vision. I m not a usder, b ut a lover. I want to make a difference in the world..and I need U to meet me and see my vision. i m hoping u can come to America..and meet me.

I m all about love..ande seeing if we can grow as a couple. I m hoping to be the next well-known gay couple like Elton and his mate.
Hope to meet U soon..and we can talk more outside of this box.

Male Evita

Well, it's always nice to hear that even the gay guys with the spoiled kids looking to marry the billionaire gay guys want to change the world in the process. It's stuff like this that continues to give me hope. Or rather, continues to give me raja.

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BLAME IT ON THE NIQAB!!

According to Ynet, a shit-load of Israel’s top porn sites report that between 2 – 10% of their monthly page hits stem from Muslim countries. In fact, the trend has caught on so much that many Israeli sites – like “Ratuv” (Hebrew for “wet” / FusHa for “gross as fuck”) – have started offering services in Arabic.

According to site statistics, last month there were over 2,000 hits from Riad, the capital of Saudi Arabia. The average time a Saudi surfer spends on SexV is 17:23 minutes.

Chaim Sugarman, KABOBfest’s Head of Dick-Related Statistical Affairs, notes:

Altogether, that’s 34,460 minutes of passionate pud whacking time! According to LittleSpeck.com, the average Saudi boner measures 4.9-inches – meaning 9,800-ft of Muslim dick were pleasured during this great endeavor! Given that the average jizz dispersal per dong is two teaspoons, I can say with the utmost confidence that 4,000 tea spoons of cum have been wasted on Israeli kooter. To put that in perspective, 768 teaspoons equal 1 US gallon – so last month 5.21 gallons of Saudi EJ were spilled just on kosher porn alone. That’s roughly enough dick juice to fill 50 bowls of your favorite breakfast cereal. Bone appetite!

It’s official – the niqab has succeeded in becoming so much of a cock-block that Muslim men have turned to the Middle East’s nastiest looking babes (and I use the term loosely) for some much needed imaginary lovin'.

Interestingly enough, webmasters claim that the most popular sites among young Muslims are those that feature traditional Ziofascist themes – such as female soldiers, policewomen, and Mosad agents.

The most popular video clip among Arabs, "Code name: Deep investigation," is described as "a parody dealing with the Vanunu affair with agents investigating the affair using erotic means."

And while Stockholm Syndrome's got much of the Mid East's ass-deprived pervs koos-whipped by the tips of their Hebrew Nationals - Zionuts are getting rich!

"Israeli and Arab surfers do not communicate on the website. Ideology? No, it's purely business," Tzahi laughed. "Porn will not bring about peace but at least we get some money out of our enemies' pockets."

Ain't dat some shit?

[Tarboush Tip: Fadi]

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I’m jihading to find the right words to say…

I heard somewhere that the Arabic language is difficult to learn. Not as challenging as Chinese, but challenging nonetheless. I’ve never formally studied Arabic, but I can already tell you from the six Arabic words I’ve learned through the cable news shows, this has got to be true.

Let's examine the fascinating life of my very first Arabic word, jihad, which I happened to learn on the 11^th of September, 2001.

Hmmm... something else happened on the 11^th of September, 2001.

Jihad, as I and the rest of non-Arabic-speaking America were taught on that Tuesday means that batshit crazy Arabs want to kill us unless we convert to Islam. This is a definition given credence by the mainstream’s most respected authorities who so graciously create knowledge for us with no ulterior motives whatsoever.

But a native Arabic speaker friend of mine claims that the actual definition of jihad is quite different:

Jihad means struggle. In Islam, it means to struggle for things God requires from you. For example, if you speak up in front of a tyrant ruler, that is Jihad; if you go through hardship to obtain an education, that is Jihad; if you fight off a burglar and protect you family, home, and property, that is Jihad. Then there is the greater Jihad, which is to go to war to defend, protect or even advance the interests of the Muslim Nation.

What?! Next he’s going to tell me that Allah is just the Arabic word for “God” when everybody knows that Allah is another God – not to be mistaken for the regular God, and who does this guy think he is – an authority on Arabic just because he’s a native Arabic speaker or whatever? This is all starting to sound just like that one time when another Arab tried to tell me that Salma Hayek was half Lebanese when everybody knows that the reason she can’t speak English is because she’s Mexican.

Batshit crazy Arabs, indeed.

Thank goodness Barack Obama’s people didn’t ask these two guys for help with their Arabic homework earlier this year, when Obama was accused of attending a madrasah while he was a kid living in Indonesia. Knowing their audience full well, CNN utilized their fluency in American-style Arabic in Obama’s defense:

Allegations that Sen. Barack Obama was educated in a radical Muslim school known as a "madrassa" are not accurate, according to CNN reporting.

Insight Magazine, which is owned by the same company as The Washington Times, reported on its Web site last week that associates of Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-New York, had unearthed information the Illinois Democrat and likely presidential candidate attended a Muslim religious school known for teaching the most fundamentalist form of Islam.

Obama lived in Indonesia as a child, from 1967 to 1971, with his mother and stepfather and has acknowledged attending a Muslim school, but an aide said it was not a madrassa.

Seeing that the word madrasah is Arabic for “school” let’s take a fun moment now to stop and imagine how confused the Arabic-speaking world must have been as the American public accused a presidential candidate of going to school.

(Insert George W. Bush joke here)

And pretending that our country is teaching us to hate Latinos instead (... well, moreso than we’re supposed to hate the Arabs), let’s picture the headline: “Barack rumored to have attended escuela.” I don't think it has to take a person fluent in Spanish to see how estupido that sounds.

But so it is, and it will continue to be until we stop accepting that cable news and the government are the arbiters of "truth." In the Arabic we speak in this country it doesn't matter what a word actually means. What matters is what "normal people think it means." And in this country, the word madrasah does not just mean any “school.” Normal people know that a madrasah is a school where the Arabs go to learn, if you know what I mean.

And, I think you do...

Or maybe you're abnormal? Oh, such contested meanings -- the struggle many of us face in trying to communicate in Arabic: a language, it seems, is so nice you have to learn it twice. Quite the jihad, indeed.

[Tarboush tip: Fayyad, who played batshit crazy Arab #1]

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