Showing posts with label KABOBsnark. Show all posts
Showing posts with label KABOBsnark. Show all posts

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Ha ha... Israeli Assassins are Hilarious!

This June, 'You Don't Mess with the Zohan,' is planned for release. The movie is about a top Israeli Mossad agent who fakes his death in order to become a hair stylist. He grows tired of the "fighting" (or killing, he should say), which his mother says in the preview, "has only been going on for 2,000 years."

From it's trailer, it looks part-Borat, part-Bruno, part-Munich, and part-Sandler.

Right... it looks like another made-for-dumb-Americans movie.

Maybe it won't be as dumb as it looks?

The 2,000 years quip is very annoying. Interestingly, the most significant thing in that region about 2,000 years ago was Jesus was 8 and Palestina was occupied by the Romans, and the Jews then resisted. I'm not sure I see the connection, other than now the Palestinians are fighting an Israeli occupation. 2,000 is just a big number that seems to imply ancient origins.

Anyways, the film is sure, at least, to piss off many Zionuts. They may take offense to the portrayal of the Mossad as anything other than a brave, righteous service. The movie will probably balance it out by making Palinuts like me pissed. The best we could hope for is to rile up some of the pro-Israeli-types.

On a positive note, unlike many Hollywood movies portraying Arabs, this one actually has several Arab actors, such as Mousa Kraish and Sayed Badreya as well as the comedienne Maysoon Zayid, who makes an appearance (thanks for tossing us the bone and forcing me to go see it now). The lead actress is Emmanuelle Chriqui, who is of Moroccan-Jewish descent (yes, that is Arab, too). I know you were not wondering, but Adam Sandler is not an Arab in any way shape or form.

I am a bit concerned about some of the minor characters. Just because I have an eye for details, I noticed the film cast several non-Arabs for the three "Angry Palestinian" roles. There are also three "Arab Boy" and two "Arab Girl" roles. Though most the major parts are for Israelis, the random ones include "Israeli Fan" and "Israeli Dancer." It seems the writers could not picture an angry Israeli. Palestinians have got that on lock.

The "Angry Palestinian" bits are played by a WASP, an Italian-American and an Indian-American.

KABOBfest is offering to review the scenes with the angry Palestinians.

We, as a blog made up of more than a few angry Palestinians, feel that we could really offer some useful feedback about what an authentically angry Palestinian is like -- frothy, irrational, and belligerent for no reason whatsoever because Palestinians have no reason to be angry. That whole dispossession of more than half of them in 1948 to make way for Israel... just a minor inconvenience. And the Israeli presence in Gaza, the West Bank, and Jerusalem, just kind of a nice 40 year-long courtesy call. And they should be thanking Israel for bringing them some really friendly neighbors in those picturesque settlements that really beautify the landscape. Of course, they were so kind as to just clear out all those unsightly, useless olive trees... those giant weeds.

We'd do that for free even.

Though our offer is unlikely to be take up, we thought it might be important to reach out and build bridges to Hollywood... especially so later when we bash the film, we can do it in a particularly bitter, vindictive way.

I know it seems like an innocent, shameless comedy. Taking it too serious runs the risk of squeezing the humor out of it -- if there is any. I hope there is a sliver of decent representation, and some critique of Israel. I hope.

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Tuesday, March 04, 2008

McCain Steps Up Kuffiyah Kraze Contest


Not to be outdone in the Kuffiyah-spotting contest, yes it could determine the next President, Republican candidate John McCain is now trotting his daughter around in a purple kuffiyah (see the above picture, which "she" -- not "they" -- posted on "her" -- not the "campaign's" blog).

Is it a coincidence that this we found this picture only minutes after exposing an Obama supporter's Islamofashionism (see below)?

This seems to be a slick move on the McCain campaign's part to win the Palestinian/angry left's votes. Is he seeking the highly touted KABOBendorsement, which is worth at least 1/20th a superdelegate in terms of electoral influence?

By using his daughter, he also keeps a safe distance from potential controversy from all the right-wing hams he's been carefully courting. Very slick, my friend, very slick. Can we be the first to give him the moniker "Slick Johnny"? (how original, I know)

[tarboush tip: Jonah and Michal]

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Saturday, February 23, 2008

The Logic of Liking Stuff White People Like

The hottest new site on the internet since two girls and a cup -- which starred Budatti's Mom -- is a list of stereotypically white objects of affection.

Since this e-mails lauding this site began landing in my Inbox with more frequency than uninvited cialis ads, I took time to analyze it myself in a tongue-in-cheek sort of way.

However, the website has caused a major existential identity crisis among the lighter shaded Arab-Americans, especially. One of our bloggers wrote on our list serve:

Everything on this site applies to me. I love music that you can't dance too and it's all about death and senseless crap. I guess rightfully so too -- as I've never identified as anything other than white and Palestinian. To me, they're not mutually exclusive... cause i'm definitely not brown.
However, for those straddling the white/non-white delineation whose comfortable ambiguity has been shaken by seeing stuff they like on this list, I want to remind them of the basic logic of their fears. To assume that liking what is listed on the blog is to commit a classic logical fallacy: Affirmation of the consequent.

This fallacy is an argument of the form "A implies B, B is true, therefore A is true."

So, the website argues:

If White --> Like X

However, Like X does not necessarily --> White. To assume it does is to commit this logical fallacy.

So there, go ahead and enjoy the wonders of natural medicine, expensive sandwiches, and knowing what's best for poor people. It doesn't make you white.

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Monday, February 18, 2008

Your Voice Counts: Vote in a New Blogger

So, normally new posters here at KF are kind of voted in by the current roster of posters -- we are an emerging democracy ourselves -- but this time we will open it up a little. This time KABOBfest commentators have a chance to vote on a new, proposed poster.

I received an e-mail application one "Paul Ruben" -- no not that one -- who claims to specialize in "Profitable Internet Marketing." Yes, I am a little suspicious that his e-mail was sent from an address with the name "Megan" in it, yet was signed by "Paul Robinette." Then again, it is not like we always get our names straight here.

He offered to help us with content writing, programming, and linking -- our current top three weak spots. He also says he can deliver KF 5 times as much traffic and get Google to give us a better web presence. I say we give him a shot. BUt this time, the readers will decide. Vote in the comments section, and please do not vote as "anonymous," since Paul Ruben/Megan/Paul Robinette could easily hijack this election (which would indeed make him an honorary Arab).

From: Paul Ruben
Sent: Monday, February 18, 2008 1:57:05 AM
Subject: Suggestion Re: kabobfest.com

Dear Website Owner,

If we could create 5 times the relevant traffic to your website wouldn’t you be interested? What if we could substantially reduce your pay per click spend as well?

We get top rankings for our clients on Google.

We are one of the leading SEO companies in the world. Our prices are much less than other firms. We have wonderful references.

We Specialize in:

1. Onsite Programming

2. Content Writing

3. Relevant Linking

Please call or email me and I’ll be happy to send you a proposal and a flash presentation explaining our methodology.

Sincerely,

Paul Robinette
VP Sales
National Positions
26500 W. Agoura Road
Suite 102-547
Calabasas, California 91302
You decide if we should invite him on.

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Saturday, February 16, 2008

Proof the Internet is Racist

So, someone sets up a blog about things white people like one month ago, and already it is getting more hits than our blog, which is basically about what Arabs like. It just lists anti-white stereotypes such as their supposed affinity for natural medicine (which the Arabs invented), recycling, and coed sports.

Here at KABOBfest, we have been profiling what Arabs like (hating Israel, women, and your freedom) and what we do not (Israel, women, and your freedom) for years, yet they get more hits. It's fucking racist, man!!!! Damn this internet(s)!

On a more serious note, I like the 'Stuff White People Like' website, but it it is very classist. So far, it has only represented middle class and up affinities. What about the millions of working class and poor whites who get off on monster truck racing and motor sports, country music, and those hillbilly comedians. Also, what about non-American whites, like European and Australian crackers? Or Israeli Ashkenazis like Ehud Olmert? He likes Apartheid. That should make the list.

Anyways, kudos to that website. Please link us: White people like KABOBfest. That is why they always follow us wearing suits and dark sunglasses, and in their Chevy Caprices.

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Thursday, January 10, 2008

Gulf Of Tonkin II: Attack Of The Mullahs

According to the Pentagon, five Iranian Revolutionary Guard speedboats maneuvered in a provocative manner and dangerously close to three US navy ships in the straits of Hormuz, connecting the Persian Gulf to the Arabian Sea. The incident had the potential of escalating into a diplomatic crisis as the commander of the US ships nearly opened fire, and returned to mind memories of the Gulf of Tonkin Incident, which was manufactured to provide former president Lyndon B. Johnson with pretext for Viet Nam War, especially as it was followed by a video-slinging session of he said she said.

What do you think? We asked the KABOBforum to weigh in:

Fayyad: The Iranian ships approached the Americans in order to return several “gays” whom were recently found in Iran and President Ahmedinejad is convinced are American.

Nadeem: Never mind. A new assessment by American intelligence agencies concludes that this display of provocation actually occurred in 2003, and that since then Iran ’s sinister program of box-dropping has for the most part remained frozen. Needless to say, this contradicts assertions by the Bush camp that Tehran has been working relentlessly toward building a super mega giant anti-Semitic box since 2005.

Nimr: Ahmadinejad misread the secret memo from Bush. They are supposed to collude to start WW VI next month!

Chaim: Enough with the jokes; clearly the US ships are on the defensive here. The Iranian boats are the aggressors, coming to within three miles of US territorial waters. It’s not like those white boxes they dropped were make up presents.

Nabeel: The incident was blown out of proportion; US sailors are a little nervous and edgy, and reacted a little anxiously; they were between The Arabian Sea and The Persian Gulf for fuck’s sake. Might as well call it dire straits.

The BBC: Official media also reported the US statement about Iran's allegedly threatening behaviour with scepticism, implying that Washington was exaggerating the incident.

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Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Future KABOBfest Presidential Endorsements

KABOBfest is setting blogging history today by becoming the first to endorse future presidential candidates. In this momentous document, KABOBfest lists the candidates it stands behind for the next century -- long after KF is ancient internets history.

This endorsement sheet will be considered as more prophetic that Nostradamus:

Election Year
and KF Candidate Preference


2012 Bush
2016 Bush
2020 Clinton (Theresa Heinz Kerry for VP)
2024 Bush
2028 Clinton
2032 Clinton
2036 Clinton
2040 Bush
2044 Clinton
2048 Bush
2052 Clinton
2056 Bush
2060 **Elections Canceled due to Civil War over Immigration and Climate Change.
2064 United Coastal States of America: Clinton
------Allied Inland States of America: Bush
2070 United Coastal States of America: Clinton
------Allied Inland States of America: Bush
2074 United Coastal States of America: Bush
------Allied Inland States of America: Bush
2078 Reunited USA: Bush
2082 Bush
2086 Bush
2090 Bush
2094 Clinton
2098 Hernandez
2102 Bush
2106 Bush
2110 Clinton

This is based on futuristic election research conducted by Chaim Sugarman, KABOBfest's political forecaster.

You read it here first -- like way before first -- folks.

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Animosity Towards Arab-Americans Declines As Hollywood Writers' Strike Drags On

The Arab-American Anti-Defamation League (AAADL) reported today that Americans views towards Arabs and Muslims have grown increasingly favorable over the past nine weeks.

AAADL president Mohammed Abdullah attributed the decline in hostility towards Arabs and Muslim to the lack of new content coming out of Hollywood. “Our public opinion surveys show that since those writers stopped their creative production and took to the streets to walk in circles Americans by and large have developed more favorable opinion of Arabs.”

According to the survey, only 73% of Americans do mind having an Arab neighbor now, compared to 89% who strongly objected to the suggestion when surveyed before the strike organized by the Writers’ Guild of America began on November 5th, 2007.

Jackson Sheehan, the author of “A Million Bad Arabs,” a book that thoroughly surveys anti-Arab bias in Hollywood movies agreed with the conclusion: “Even though the writers’ strike has resulted in a copious number of re-runs of Chuck Norris films and series, Arab-bashing in Hollywood is at an all time low at the moment.”

Sheehan credits current shows such as Sleeper Cell and 24 with unsurpassed levels of masterfully crafted loathing of Arabs and Muslims. “Making Arabs look shabby, dim-witted and get kicked in the face by Chuck Norris can go only so far in terms of generating hatred.” Sheehan added, “But the new shows seem to have that Department of Homeland Security stamp-type credibility. They add more complexity to the character of the Arab we must all hate and fear, he’s dumb, yet an evil master planner, dim-witted yet dangerous, uncivilized yet could be your neighbor, grimy yet could be your daughter’s boyfriend.”

Mr. Abdulla seemed to be at a loss of words when asked whether he wishes the strike continued indefinitely. “That would definitely go a long way towards the normalization of Arab Americans into the larger American society.” He said after a brief pause, “but I can’t wish for that, I know that Hollywood is of great entertainment and financial value to many Americans.”

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Monday, December 24, 2007

Israel Clears Self of Wrongdoing in 2006 Attack

The Yahoo headlines caught my attention:

I was surprised to see that a "probe" would exonerate Israel for its indiscriminate use of cluster bombs in Lebanon, which left unexploded remnants throughout the country. It was roundly opposed as a weapon in war even before Israel used with without mercy in Lebanon in 2006.

When I clicked on the link to learn more about the legal reasoning, I was not as surprised to find out that the probe was an internal one -- a little fact left out of the Yahoo headline:

Israeli military prosecutors have decided not to take any legal action over Israel's use of cluster bombs during last year's war in Lebanon, the army said Monday, closing an investigation into a practice that has drawn heavy criticism from the U.N. and international human rights groups.
I don't know about you, but why are sham internal self-investigations covered as news? Larry Craig should investigate his actions at the Minneapolis airport. He could then put out news that his investigation shows that he was right about attributing his playing footsy with a undercover policeman to his "wide stance."

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Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Protocol of Zion XXV: Blogger Infiltration

I guess it’s finally time to come clean about who Quiqui really is. We tried to keep this shit under wraps cause its like one of those awkward things where everyone knows what the deal is, but everyone’s too freaked out to say it out loud - cause that would make it too fucking real.

At first we figured her for one those slutty anti-Zionist activist groupies (you know who we’re talking about, EMILY) whose got a thing for pissing off daddy with some huge A-rab cock (sorry brovazzz, ya’ll iz so pre-2001). But then – only two weeks into her KABOBdomhood – she drops the mother freakin’ Jew card on our semi-private listserv (Omar, seriously what the fuck are you still doing on it?). Can you believe that shit?

So what do you say to something as eff-ed up as that? It’s like when your mom catches you jerking off to a copy of her February issue of Martha Stewart Living. You both know what happened, but ain’t anyone ever saying shit about it.

Needless to say, we remained silent. Another Jew on KABOBfest? What is this Hollywood? No one mentioned a thing about THE THING. But soon we began to get freaked out. True to her nature, she slowly, but surely, began taking over everything wonderful about KABOBfest and declaring it her own. It started with her labeling us all Sodomites, occupying Will’s awesome Christmas-theme site design (not that we’re saying she’s anti-baby Jesus Cristo), and then converting our new look into something resembling a mishmash of milk and honey. What more? She flirted her way to the top of the KABOBchain and demanded Will make her an administrator – thus establishing a de facto checkpoint for all our thoughts (and Fayyad’s anti-spell check activism).

Ok, so as I type this… Quiqui’s sleeping over my house cause she’s hell bent on stealing my virginity. I won’t let her though, cause I’m saving myself for my fourth wife (she’s 14 next week, happy birthday habeebty!!). So like any man in my position would do, I obviously waited for her to fall asleep before rummaging through her duffle bag to find a decent pair of panties to sniff. And when I did, I came across this crazy ass manifesto for Sephardic-cyber domination:

Protocol of Zion XXV: Blogger Infiltration

1. I pass now to the second lit candle on this the first night of Chanukah

2. The Queen's plan of action for the current moment, and all the more so for the future, will be unknown, even to those who are called her closest KABOBers – at the current moment, this be the toothy grinned Russian.

3. The Queen of the Jews must not be at the mercy of her passions, and especially of sensuality: on no side of her character must she give brute instincts power over her mind. – unless, of course, it means flirting with the man made of iron who pretends to run this blog.

Signed by Quiqui, the representative of Zion, of the 69th Degree



WTF does this even mean?!?!?!?!?!?!? Peep this ritualistic photo that the hidden camera I installed over my bed last week to prepare for May’s immanent visit captured of Quiqui doing right before I put her Jew/Arab/Guatemalan/American/Spanish/Black-from-the-back ass to sleep.


--------------------------
Note: Quiqui contributed (actually she wrote the bulk) of the above post and was not harmed in the taking of the photograph. Happy Chanukah! (we finally figured out how to light this thing!)

[tarboush tip: the people's republic of MADE IN CHINA for the lovely menorah]

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Thursday, November 15, 2007

KABOBfest Strategy Paper #126

Occasionally KABOBfest will publish its internal strategic memos authored by the KABOBfest Strategic Understanding Committee (SUC), chaired by KABOBfest strategist, Chaim Sugarman. This is part of a response to international NGO's and independent journalists who criticize our lack of transparency and accountability. Portions of the text have been redacted:

To: KABOBfest
From: SUC
Re: Opportunities From Writer's Strike
Date: 5th of Kislev, 5768

Shalom Aleichum!

We would be schmucks to ignore the current strike of TV and movie writers in Hollywood. The Writers Guild of America is dissatisfied with pay, working conditions, and not getting set chairs with their names on the back. This provides KABOBfest with a strategic opportunity to gain an Arab foothold in Ziowood. The committee recommends sending the least active KABOBwriters (in order to avoid detection) to work as "scabs." Nabeel, Fadi, Hanaan, Diana and Mehammed come to mind. Think of the potential! *** ***** ** ******** *** ****** [redacted]. The next episode of '24' could find a JDL militant committing acts of terror against Arab-American activists! "KABOBfest" could be referenced in whatever shows the kids are ******** ***** **** (Saved by the Bell?).

If we decide to go forward with this plan, which should be referred to as "Operation Infiltrate Ziowood," I can ask my uncle Morty to give us tips. He worked the lighting on Seinfeld for a few years (he says Kramer is a "shmegegge").

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I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt

There used to be a time when Palestinians brought fear to runways around the world. It has been a long time since the tactic of airplane hijackings joined other ineffective methods, such as hang glider and dinghy attacks, in the waste bin of Palestinian attempts to bring attention to our cause. The lastest Palestinian to terrorize runways is not doing it with a kalishnakov, but with a superior fashion sense.

Meet Rami, a star of the 4th season of "Project Runway," a reality show and contest, I think, featuring young designers. Rami's bio on the show's website states he is from Ramallah, West Bank -- they just can't bring themselves to write "Palestine." At least it does not say Judea and Samaria, I guess.

Anyways, I'll be rooting for Rami, for sure. I think out-dressing the Israelis is the first step towards the demise of Zionist-apartheid. I personally am getting my ass whipped in the fashion wars. Half my outfits make me look like an overgrown boy or like I rolled around in a pile of cat vomit. Rami, how about some free KABOBfashion advice!

[tarboush tip: Randa]

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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Giuliani's Terror Video + Tuck Calls Hill "Neo-Con"

What I like about this clip:

  • The opening clip of Giuliani pontificating on Hillary Clinton's campaign rhetoric reminds me of the bin Laden videos in their grittiness, with their substandard audio, and inherently right-wing outlook.
  • How in his opening bit Tucker Carlson's mouth dances while the rest of his face stays perfectly still.
  • When TC calls Hillar-azi a Neo-Con. It is so true. She would sacrifice any number of Arabs for power -- just as Bill did through the murderous US/UN sanctions on Iraq.
What I hate about this clip:

  • Just about everything else because it's mostly the shrill, bombastic chatter that is supposed to pass as political debate (and like so much other electoral coverage, it focuses more on the race than on the issues themselves).



[tarboush tip: Nimr]

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Friday, October 26, 2007

Creole Masala

The son of Indian immigrants is the new governor-elect of Louisiana.


Bobby Jindal won by a landslide against Democratic incumbent Kathleen Blanco, in last weeks elections, preventing a run-off round.

Jindal, who is 36, 58 in white people years, was not aware he was a person of colour when he ran as a republican. He plans to call a special session of the state legislature to “reform ethics laws, an effort to change the state's reputation for corruption and hopefully attract new business to the state and win federal hurricane recovery aid” and pass a new business incentive bill that offers tax-cuts to new Seven-Elevens, in order to help with the post Katrina reconstruction.

Before you begin imagining Cobras swaying to Jazz, listen to the KABOBforum weigh in on the implications of this development:

QuiQui: Angered by the negative publicity from the Jena 6 events, Louisianans decided to show the world they weren't racist by replacing governor Blanco with governor negro.

Nadeem: Jindal received a bump from an unlikely constituency; 'the Klan' endorsed him after mistaking the fact that he hails from Bombay with his intention to Bomb-Gays.

Fayyad: His background equips him well to fight the brain drain and unemployment rampant in Louisiana, I expect him to transform Louisiana’s into a call center/tech support economy in no time.

Chaim: Jindal has already announced a three-tiered policy to fight the corruption endemic to the State Government: Outsource the government audit to India, whip civil servants guilty of corruptions publicly, and send the rest to intern at state governments in the world largest democracy, India.

Hanaan: You thought Cajun food was already spicy? Just wait until they add curry.

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Saturday, October 20, 2007

Syria Tastes the Sweetness of Revenge On Israel... Kind Of

Last month, Israel bombed Syria. Pundits rushed to speculate that the target was a nuclear facility. Syrian nationalists sat their brooding, upset that Israel can have its way so easily.

Syrian finally got vengeance, in the form of a surfer.

The world famous surfer Kelly Slater is so cool that his name combines two of my favorite Saved By the Bell characters. He is the eight-time world champion of surfing -- which almost matches Nadeem's reign as universe web-surfing champ.

But, this is why he's so damn cool. Check this out.

The surfer goes to Israel-Palestine to teach Israeli and Palestinians kids how to surf (which will definitely help for future PFLP surfboard missions). It is part of the newly launched Surf For Peace program.

Then, he is chased by Israeli paparazzi as he tries to get his groove on with Israel's second hottest supermodel, Bar Rafaeli (behind the lovely Chaima Sugarman).

In true Arab form, Slater beats a cameraman's ass (OK, so he pushed him, but let's go with the Syrian version).

Then, he gets the Palestinian treatment by Israel -- detention (minus the torture and home demolitions of course).

The best part of this Israeli-punching, Hijabi-surfing, Israeli honey-stealing dude is that he's of Syrian descent.

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WANTED: NEW OCCUPIER

KABOBfest is currently soliciting applications for a new occupier in the land of Palestine. We are looking for a belligerent foreign army that, like the current occupier, is brutal, menacing, and racist.

Sadly, after 60 years of Zionist settlement and occupation, we have concluded that Israel is too good at its job.

Namely, we are interested in joining the people of Darfur and Tibetans as people oppressed by a state the US opposes. Things were exciting with Israel at first, but after effectively shoring up American support, the occupier-occupied dynamics have become a little too-stilted and one-sided. Like any relationship, we want to keep things spicey and surprising. Re-aligning the geo-political terrain with a new occupier seems like the perfect answer.

Our only requirement is that your country possesses an army. Please include a 500-word essay answering this question: "What ancient or religious reasons can you concoct to justify occupying Palestine?"

Direct applications to KABOBfest Administrator, Chaim Sugarman.

----
Note. This was inspired by a rare e-mail from Nabeel:

Anyone watch the [Dalai Lama] ceremony? Tom-F-ing-Lantos spoke at the event. He's so supportive of people's right to self-determination; NOT!!! I think the key to liberating the P is to find a different occupier. We need a nation that Americans can hate like China or Russia to occupy our land.

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Friday, August 31, 2007

KABOBforum: Hijabzilla In The Presidential Palace

A recent KABOBpost about the election of Turkey’s new president discusses how the Turkish military and other fundamentalist secularists are considering the new president’s wife wearing the Hijab into the presidential palace as an attack on secularism; thus, the new first lady is considering alternate designs for her hijab. Here are some options. Warning, images are graphics.

The post raises the questions: who’s afraid of the Hijab in the presidential palace? And what would it take to relay the fears of some one with this much prejudice? The KABOBforum weighs in:

Nadeem: I dislike the Hijab as a look and a concept - but have a fetish for girls who wear it. Perhaps if Turkish chicks started sewing brims on the front, it wouldn't look so oppressive - and, instead, bring to mind images of beer, peanuts, and cracker jacks. Yeah... that'd be a dope ass compromise. Turkey could market itself as pro-west while it's girls still sport that whole "the lord is my penguin look" jihadists like so much.

Will: I respect the hijab when it is a voluntary expression of modesty and sincere religiosity. I think secular dogmatists running the public order in Turkey and France should actually adopt a more American form of secularism, which allows for pluralism of religious expression. People should have the right to be as free as they want to practice, or not practice, religion in their homes and in their politics. At the same time, wannabe theocracies like Saudi Arabia and Iran should also stop shoving “religious” norms down everyone’s throats. Amen. [Editor’s note: boring]

Maytha: In the spirit of compromise, I suggest that hijabi women be free to wear it -- however, only under the stipulation that the rest of them be naked -- that way both groups get what they want!

Fayyad: It should be no longer a problem now that the Bush administration is providing the Turkish military with a $30 billion dollar military aid package to counter the threat. Especially that the weapon stockpile will include Hijabi Slayer BX-27 advanced weapon system and Madrassa Buster G-11 laser guided missiles. And as for Mrs. Gul, I think she should try the see-through Hijab; that will be a compromise.

Chaim Sugarman: As an avowed secularist, I take offense to Turkey’s flag. I see the star and crescent as an oppressive symbol of religion. I’m glad the Turkish army does not march under it, and I’m glad it is the only flag in the Middle East with a religious exclusiveness connotation.

QuiQui: I agree completely with Will in his well-written, extremely boring thoughts. And thanks to May for making me laugh right afterward, triggering a mood disorder I didn't know I had until I found KABOBfest, where one post makes me happy and the next post makes me sad; when one minute I'm laughing, and the next moment I'm angry. It's a confusing state to be in... I imagine this is what the state of Turkey must feel like? Has this bi-polar region in the Middle East err... Europe umm... wherever it is decided who it wants to be like yet? No? Well, that may be because it's impossible. Is the military pissed off that Ms. Gul isn't "Turkish" how they want her to be "Turkish" or that she won't show them some hair? Is she gonna have to don a hijab with Ataturk smiley faces on it or will she have to purchase one with hair airbrushed onto it? Maybe she can just wear a wig where she gets to show off someone else's hair. The see-through hijab? That's some deep philosophical ish, Fayyad. If Ms. Gul is convinced that she's wearing a hijab but those looking at her are convinced that she's not, then everybody wins, yes, but does the hijab cease to exist? Is that like an if your hair falls down to your shoulders but no one is there to see it, does it still make a sound hijab?

Nabeel:
As the resident Islamic scholar here at KABOBfest, I feel that it is necessary to point out a very obvious but overlooked point that may put to rest the controversy regarding Mrs. Gul's head covering. As I understand it, the controversy is about how many Turks feel that Mrs. Gul wearing the hijab while residing in the Presidential Palace is an affront to Turkish secularism. However, the irony is that when Mrs. Gul is actually in the Presidential Palace she most likely will not be wearing the hijab given the fact that the hijab is only adorned by Muslim women when in the presence of males who are not related to them.

With that said, debate in Turkey ought to shift to whether Mrs. Gul should go ahead and paint her face with gold-sparkley paint and begin performing in public squares like this guy.

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Friday, August 24, 2007

A Quarter-Mill Hits: The Anti-Commemoration Commemoration


Though we might be tempted to celebrate this milestone of a quarter-million hits to our lovely blog, I want to take this moment to state our official protest of the West's immoral cooptation and exploitation of the greatest Arab contribution to the world, Arabic numerals (which like most other things we claim, we stole from the Indians).

Whereas, the rounded and impressive figure of 250,000 uses Arabic numerals, so do invading and occupying armies in Arab lands -- in their logistical plans, from their phones to the binary codes running their most sensitive military software operations. We take the occasion of a quarter million hits to stand defiant against Western theivery of our most valued symbols.


To get a sense of a world without Arabic numerals, see Aron Kader's skit on Comedy Central's The Watch List.

See you all at 500,000 hits, which will provide another opportunity for an anti-West diatribe.

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Thursday, August 23, 2007

Ann Coulter's new boobies?

AwfulPlasticSurgery.com would like to know: Does Ann Coulter have a new set of bolt-ons? After inspecting the photo on the left, and comparing it with a new photo of her on the right, KABOBfest weighs in on this pressing matter.


Awful Plastic Surgery: Her chest is sticking out majorly!! Why didn't she spend a few bucks on her face too?

Chaim Sugarman: What I wouldn't give to get my hands on those Matza balls...

QuiQui: Nah, my water bra performs similar miracles each and every Saturday night. But then again, having Nadeem’s impressive butt cleavage in her face could have inspired her...

Fayyad: I’d like to see her bolt another pair on her face. In any case, I think it is a bad idea for her to enlarge her breasts. I think it distracts from her intellectual prowess when lecturing her educated, sophisticated, conservative base.

George Castanza: I was in the pool!!! I was in the pool!!!

Will: I’m no expert on boobs but the pictures appear inconclusive. There is not enough boobie in the picture on the left to compare. I think we need to send Nadeem aka “Dr. Phil Good” in for closer inspection.

Nadeem: Oh it's clearly not a boob job. Black is slimming - even on titties!! She probably stuffs with the dismembered body parts of Iraqi children.

Hanaan: I have to agree with Nadeem. That’s not a boob job, just her version of a hard-on. Adolf Hitler must’ve walked into the room.



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