VIDEO: Thomas Friedman gets pied

Last week, capitalism's favorite sweetheart joined the legendary ranks of Bill Gates, David Horowitz, and Ann Coulter's left elbow. While delivering a keynote speech at Brown University on Earth Day of all days, the Greenwash Guerillas decided to lob a couple of pies at him. Thomas Friedman's speech, according to the Rising Tide North America blog was about how corporate environmentalism can restore America to its “natural place in the global order.” But only seconds after beginning his talk, his outrageous propaganda was interrupted by green whipped cream flying onto the stage.

Confused, you say? Never heard of Thomas Friedman before? Don't believe capitalism is bad? Why publicly humiliate such a wonderful man?

THOMAS FRIEDMAN DESERVES A PIE IN THE FACE...

• because of his sickeningly cheery applaud for free market capitalism’s conquest of the planet
  
  
• for telling the world that the free market and techno fixes can save us from climate change. From carbon trading to biofuels, these distractions are dangerous in and of themselves, while encouraging inaction with respect to the true problems at hand.
  
  
• for helping turn environmentalism into a fake plastic consumer product for the privileged
  
  
• for his pure arrogance.
  
  
• as the only way to compensate for the ridiculousness of having this fool speak on Earth Day.
  

On behalf of the earth and all true environmentalists — we, the Greenwash Guerrillas, declare Thomas Friedman’s “Green” as fake and toxic to human and planetary health as the cool-whip covering his face.

Almost immediately, the Friedman story hit the Internets and a video of the act was posted up on YouTube -- but even after receiving over 70,000 views, YouTube decided to censor it. The Greenwash Guerillas know, however, that when a pie falls in the forest someone better be there to hear it make a sound. Thus, they've resurrected the video, this time on Google:



I must have hit "re-play" now at least seven times. While we're here, let us revisit some our favorite pieings in recent history:

BILL GATES:


ANITA BRYANT:


ANN COULTER (failed):


JENNIFER JOLLY (amazing):



[Tarboush Tip: Emily]

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I'm disappointed

To all the Haters...

OK... So I'm in the most interesting place the world, going to clubs, beaches, hotels, restaurants, sitting in LA-like traffic, going to malls that have full on decor that match the themes, (like Persia, China, Egypt, Tunis, etc.)

Dubai...Wow.

I'm disappointed with all the people that told me I would hate it. Why on earth would I hate the most "together" Arab country I've ever seen? The street signs are respected, the roads are well kept (believe it or not they actually have LANDSCAPING on the medians here! did you get that King Abdallah? LANDSCAPING! it makes your country prettier... try it sometime), They don't burn garbage here; they actually have trucks that pick it up, the food is amazing, the service in restaurants is top notch, the nightlife is addictive and to top it all off you can actually get a great cup of coffee in a cafe made of ice! Ice!

Please Haters, shut the fuck up. This place has infrastructure, technology, a real skyline, jobs, nice beaches and clubs with scantily clad...uhhh... And most importantly: hope... And that's a first for me (in the Arab world, at least). Stop hating and book a ticket to Dubai before we find a way to fuck it all up... I'm serious.

In nubile wonderment,

Tarik

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Keffiyah Kraze finds market niche in the lazy/scarf-tying challenged/pressed-for-time among us

I'm not about to pretend to know who this KISER person is, but I must commend his/her/its new line of sweater/kuffiyah combinations as a breathtaking example of the entrepreneurial spirit, this time into the niche(?) market of the lazy. Not since the invention of the remote control, ladies and gentlemen...










The company's next move, KABOBfest's very own fashion critic/market research fellow at the Forbes Center for the Adoring of the Filthy Rich, Chaim Sugarman, reports, is to take a page from folks at Arm and Hammer baking soda by attempting to convince a wider audience of the sweater/kuffiyah combination's varied utility.

Currently, a small section of the sales force is considering ways to sensitively market the new product to those among us who were never allowed to play video games in our youth thus lack the proper eye-hand coordination to tie such scarves.

A larger part of the sales team, however, is focused on a new collection of advertisments set to launch this fall, targeting those of us who know how to tie keffiyahs, thank you very much, but are desperately seeking to save thirteen seconds each morning when getting dressed to go to work by not having to tie said kaffiyahs. When the aggregate is reflected in next year's tax returns, these workers/consumers will face only one dilemma: what does one buy with their extra $86? In a written statement, KISER has promised to help them figure this out.

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Nadeem, did AOL Time Warner hire your photoshop hand for some freelance work recently?

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but that Time Magazine's December 17, 2007 cover looks like it could have been taken straight from of the KABOBarchives, has gotten me a little worried. Initially, I wondered if I should be so surprised. This was the same reputable publication who brought us O.J. Simpson's doctored mug shot an entire generation before.




Perhaps we should blame Mumu for refusing the request to pose as a dupe for Time's photographers. Does it really matter? Is Time correct in thinking that no one would really care? During the O.J. circus, Time figured there would be no backlash -- this is America, where people recognize that crime comes in any color as long as it's black. If rival Newsweek wouldn't have run the same mugshot on their cover in its unaltered state in the same week on the same newstands, the study in contrast would not have been so great.

Today, Ahmadinejad's caricature seems to be a new sort of sensationalism, this time riding the wave of the ever popular gossip rags and BREAKING!!! news items stemming from the infotainment channels. If this were a political cartoon this wouldn't be as problematic, but such messages are usually left out of the domain of photography where the "real" is communicated in infinitely more salient ways. What concerns me is that many of us really believe that what we see, read, and hear from the mainstream news is truth.

That Time is being quite satirical but pretending it's not (perhaps they believe their own lies as soon as ink hits paper?) reminds me of earlier this year during the California wildfires, when Nadeem, Fayyad and I began conspiring a KABOBspoof with Chaim Sugarman, KABOBfest Senior Terrorism Expert/Reporter without Borders, to report our outrage on how no one had yet considered how it may have been the terrorists who started the fires because, as everybody already knows, along with balancing nuclear bombs in their knapsacks over their heads while swimming across the Rio Grande, this was exactly the sort of thing the terrorists would do.

But the next morning on Fox & Friends morning show, co-host Steve Doocy announced that he and thousands of his fans would like America to know that probably, Al Qaeda was behind the burning of California. And he said that with a straight face.

I hear it feels good to be so coked out.

Learning that for an increasing number of people making shit up is their actual job-job from which they can actually buy groceries and pay rent, has really put the role of KABOBfest as a volunteer-run forum into new perspective. See, I just learned that I'm not allowed to give capitalism the finger by filing for bankruptcy after graduation and default on my student loans because Sallie Mae with get her brother/baby daddy Earl to like, hunt me down and kill me, so now I have to contribute to capitalism's own demise in another way, like, by getting a job. That like pays. So Will, you might want to consider the possiblity that some of your KABOBers (I too, have a PhotoShop hand Rupert!) are prime to get lucrative positions at places like Faux News where crime is available in any color you'd like, but like their cocaine -- it often comes white. I may have to stay out of the sun.

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The Spitfire-side Chats: The Low Down on the High Value of "Low" and "Good" Numbers in the UAE and other Persian Gulf States

"Yo son, what you sporting these days?"
"Well, you know how I do; I got me some gators, 22s, and a single-digit license plate number-ya herrrrd!"

That's right, big pimpin' in the Arab world has taken a life of it's own. Because of the general level of wealth enjoyed by Khaleeji national community (and corrupt monarchy-sustained elites in other Arab countries), a couple of imagined commodities have taken the respective countries by storm as a means to distinguish individuals from the pack; many centered around "Low" and "Good" numbers.

Low and nice numbers go beyond being a representation of material wealth, they represent that of symbolic wealth, of the kind of power one can wield for accessing and possessing exclusive imaginary commodities. And what are these imaginary commodities specifically?

License plates: The lower the number the more well-connected you are to government-unless of course you bought one off of some enterprising sheikh for beaucoup bucks.

Cellphone and home numbers. The "good" numbers are basically the "nicer sounding" ones. From what my informants have told me, the "nicer" sounding connotes easy memoryability (remember I'm a budding anthropologists, I'm allowed to make up words), which usually means there are repeating or symmetric numbers in the sequence.

Here are some ads on an UAE-based ebay-like classified site called Bazaar.ae that sell "good", "nice sounding" cellphone and home numbers-some at undisclosed prices and others that will cost you a pretty dirham: Here, here, here, and oh yes, HERE.

The following are KABOBer reactions, highly-opinionated comments, sensationalist stories and titillating hearsay about the low and nice numbers phenomenon in the Arab, but mostly Khaleeji, world:

Maytha: I have been informed by my cousins who live in Abu Dhabi that low numbers on license plates are considered the 'it' thing in UAE. So, Sheikh Maktoum having a "1" as his license plate number basically means that homeboy is the biggest balla in Dubai.

Assouli: License plate numbers are also big in Jordan. the king has number 1. i remember Abdulmajid Shoman had a 5. people are very proud of their license plate numbers. poor poor people have nothing else to be proud of in Jordan. generally, it's gotta be 5 digits to be cool, unless it's 5 digits on a shitty car, which just means the person got it a long time ago. 4 digits is unheard of for anyone other than the closely connected Jordanian or the very wealthy. people pay a premium for the numbers and any repetition in numbers is hip such as 11145. then apparently there are numbers that show some connection to the mukhabarat (intelligence services) and that supposedly grants you immunity from traffic tickets without having the moustache and the Bedouin accent...

By the way, same thing for cellphone numbers... you're cool as hell if your number is 677-7776 or something... buying a SIM card you can expect to pay a healthy premium above the price of an ugly number like 648-5210, although that 210 at the end is bordering on hot!

That's pretty much what's going on in Jordan in a nutshell...

Nimr: To add my 5 cents, it is not just Jordan. In Qatar and Bahrain I heard of guys buying these "good" numbers for thousands of dollars for their cars or phones. there were even speculators and re-sellers. talk about an imagined commodity.

Omar: It's not just hearsay about people willing to pay thousands for "cool" phone numbers and license plates. When I was in Saudi my brother had a really easy number to remember and constantly kept getting calls from people who wanted to buy it. I think the highest offer he got was around ~$3500. Come to think of it, I don't know why he didn't just sell it.

I also heard of people willing to pay millions for license plates.

Diana: In Palestine, numbers are also hot too but we don't have to pay big money for them: you just have to pay an additional $5 when getting the number. Sometimes you luck out - like me - with a cool number. But I get a weirdo from Gaza always calling me thinking that I am his wife. Cars are different, of course, due to apartheid-incentiving Oslo: only PA officials get red coloured licence plates with four digits. Arafat was the only person with a 0001. The licence plate has been retired. Abu Mazen's car is now: 2000. Here the cool thing is with PASSPORT NUMBERS: PA guys get super cool numbers: A011111 (used to be the Passport Number of Abu Mazen).

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And don't miss the day-after-Islamo-Fascist-week sale this weekend!

• Stephen Colbert now more popular than Obama, Osama and Chelsea's momma [Mashable]
  
• "I heard Al Qaeda causes night to fall" [Raw Story]
  
• Liberal scientists now innoculating our nation's worms with the gay [Yahoo]
  
• FEMA shoots Comedy Central pilot as California burns [CNN]
  
• If you take out the undecideds, then lots of people are decided [CNI]
  
• Sweetie, just remind everyone that you, too, had a big ol' nose that you lopped off to look white [Telegraph]
  
• KABOBers to demand Will peg our sexual favors to Euro effective immediately. [Bloomberg]
  

[Tarboush tip: Fayyad]

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Forbes Magazine's Middle East Billies

Remember Steve Forbes? The little wrinkly old guy with the zero social skills who ran for president by focusing his campaign on establishing the flat income tax but never made it past the Republican nomination?

Twice?

Yeah, that guy. The one who would have faded into oblivion had he not had the foresight to immortalize himself with a magazine that reports to us every so often that the world's billionaires are doing just fine, thank you very much?

Yeah, that's him. Well, it turns out that this Forbes guy is still alive. Did you know that? I didn't know that. He's still alive, has a show on Faux News and is not dead yet. In fact, he's really not that old. Born in 1947 -- only a year before Israel was born. Lots of people alive today still remember 1947. And lots, lots more people would still remember 1947 if Israel wouldn't have killed them a year later on her birthday.

So I just found out that this Forbes guy who is still alive was appointed as Rudy Giuliani's campaign something, and so now I feel better about the 2008 elections. I feel better now because Rudy has been ahead in the polls, and it feels great knowing now that Rudy has people behind him who really know how to run campaigns into the ground by failing to realize stuff like that America isn't too keen on having that type of 18th century tax system that, you know, triggered the French Revolution.

Speaking of out of touch with reality, Forbes Magazine just came out with their World's Richest People issue and has asked that we swoon. They've also decided to dedicate a special section for the Middle East's billionaires so that those of us with the Southwest Asian fetishes can swoon.

As it turns out, the richest guy in the Middle East is not the richest guy in the world. Not even top ten. He's only #13. It also turns out that his name is not Mohammed. But don't worry -- he's from Saudi Arabia. The world is still round.

He is the guy Forbes describes as a "self made" billionaire (*choking with laughter*). He is the guy who cashes the monthly checks I write to my CitiBank frequent flyer credit card. He is the guy who can claim to be Saudi Arabia's favorite nephew. Presenting... none other than Prince Mr. Bean Talal Alsaud



... whose net worth is an estimated USD 20.3 billion. All peanuts when converted to British pounds.

Might be why he's looking so angry.

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Kfest Exclusive: 2nd Bin Laden Tape Released

But on a serious note - I hope that KABOBfest's readers take time today (and every day really) to reflect upon the underline reasons why so much political, social, and economic violence exists in this world - and, most importantly, how you as an individual, and we as a community, can help change that.

Just as Osama Bin Laden had no right to take so many innocent lives in NYC six years ago, neither does any other man or women - regardless of whether that person is George Bush, Ehud Olmert, Mahmoud Abbas, or Kermit the Frog. While it's true that the atrocities of 9-11 were a crime against humanity, so was our nation's devastating response in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Rest assure that for every innocent life lost - in America, Afghanistan, and Iraq - there's a child, family member, or friend who's sworn revenge… quite possibly another 9-11. Clearly, war is not the answer.

Still, to ask of a nation to "forgive and forget" without due justice is unfair. The prosecution of those directly involved, coupled with a strategic engagement of the broader Middle East and South Asia, however, would have served this purpose well. Instead, our government chose to respond to Bin Laden's violent rejection of America's political and economic assertions with the strengthening of those very contentions he and his followers propagate for increased legitimacy in the Muslim world and beyond - ensuring that future violence will ensue.

Indeed, today is a sad day - but not just for Americans, for us all…

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In the Name of Security

The US government dishes out billions of dollars worth of missiles, tanks, combat aircraft, warships and other arms (read: death toys) to Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Oman, and other so-called 'moderate' Arab states.

Reaction from Beck, Coulter, Pipes, et al.?

Muslims with weapons! Oh my!

Not to mention Israel -- who aside from using them to play a real-life version of Battlefield in Gaza -- sells a portion of the arms to its own lofty list of clients, including Cambodia, Eritrea, Ethiopia, India, China, Burma, Zambia, and the South Lebanon Army.

[Gasp] More muslims with weapons!

In turn China has been known to cash in on the arms trade as well. As Jonathan Reingold reported in 2002, third-hand beneficiaries of the hybrid US/Israeli arms have included the Islamic Republic of Iran and Saddam-controlled Iraq.

DOH!

All in the name of security.

Meanwhile, in a strange twist of fate, look who's been securing the streets of Washington lately:

Muslim Patrol Quiets Crime in Shaw
By Omar Fekeiki, Washington Post Staff Writer

Tuesday, August 28, 2007; B03

On a sidewalk in Shaw, a dozen Muslim men wearing red T-shirts gather an hour before sundown.

Half line up quietly behind an imam. Facing southeast toward Mecca, they bow their heads and read aloud verses from the Koran. The other half spread themselves out and look up and down the street. After a few minutes, they switch places.

The men have come not just to pray but to assume control over a crime-prone block.

They are part of a Muslim neighborhood watch that lately has focused its efforts on Seventh Street NW between P and Q streets, site of the long-troubled Kelsey Gardens apartment complex. Just a few weeks ago, the location was beset by drug dealers, armed assaults and random shootings.

Unrelated, yes. But ironic if you ask me. According to the article:

Patrol members carry no weapons, and several of the men said they had no training in self-defense. But their presence seems to be effective.

Maybe these guys could teach the Pentagon a thing or two about security.

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BLAME IT ON THE NIQAB!!

According to Ynet, a shit-load of Israel’s top porn sites report that between 2 – 10% of their monthly page hits stem from Muslim countries. In fact, the trend has caught on so much that many Israeli sites – like “Ratuv” (Hebrew for “wet” / FusHa for “gross as fuck”) – have started offering services in Arabic.

According to site statistics, last month there were over 2,000 hits from Riad, the capital of Saudi Arabia. The average time a Saudi surfer spends on SexV is 17:23 minutes.

Chaim Sugarman, KABOBfest’s Head of Dick-Related Statistical Affairs, notes:

Altogether, that’s 34,460 minutes of passionate pud whacking time! According to LittleSpeck.com, the average Saudi boner measures 4.9-inches – meaning 9,800-ft of Muslim dick were pleasured during this great endeavor! Given that the average jizz dispersal per dong is two teaspoons, I can say with the utmost confidence that 4,000 tea spoons of cum have been wasted on Israeli kooter. To put that in perspective, 768 teaspoons equal 1 US gallon – so last month 5.21 gallons of Saudi EJ were spilled just on kosher porn alone. That’s roughly enough dick juice to fill 50 bowls of your favorite breakfast cereal. Bone appetite!

It’s official – the niqab has succeeded in becoming so much of a cock-block that Muslim men have turned to the Middle East’s nastiest looking babes (and I use the term loosely) for some much needed imaginary lovin'.

Interestingly enough, webmasters claim that the most popular sites among young Muslims are those that feature traditional Ziofascist themes – such as female soldiers, policewomen, and Mosad agents.

The most popular video clip among Arabs, "Code name: Deep investigation," is described as "a parody dealing with the Vanunu affair with agents investigating the affair using erotic means."

And while Stockholm Syndrome's got much of the Mid East's ass-deprived pervs koos-whipped by the tips of their Hebrew Nationals - Zionuts are getting rich!

"Israeli and Arab surfers do not communicate on the website. Ideology? No, it's purely business," Tzahi laughed. "Porn will not bring about peace but at least we get some money out of our enemies' pockets."

Ain't dat some shit?

[Tarboush Tip: Fadi]

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AT&T is sorry Eddie! Let them make some more money off of it up to you

With corporations like AT&T playing grim reeper to the Bill of Rights, the Bush administration should rest assured that it can at the very least afford to let go of Alberto Gonzales if Alberto Gonzales ever decides to indict Alberto Gonzales.

At Sunday’s Lollapalooza Delivered by AT&T concert, fans watching Pearl Jam on the live Webcast all found their speakers suspiciously go out right as Eddie Vedder sang the following lines from the song, “Daughter”:

George Bush leave this world alone/
George Bush find another home

As you’re probably aware from first-hand knowledge, people who schedule dates to watch Pearl Jam concerts on live Web casts can’t be fooled so easily into thinking this is a strange coincidence and that their computers are on the fritz.

Our computers are never on the fritz.

The backlash against AT&T has been immediate, garnering a corporate response that seems to have come right out of a page from Donald Rumsfeld’s playbook. AT&T’s higher ups at are apologizing but taking zero responsibility for the debacle, blaming the incident one of their dispensable no-name employees. (The company has asked that we not be surprised if the dispensable no-name employee's name turns out to rhyme with Fynndie Fengland.)

I'm not going to be one of those conspiracy theorists to point out that this has everything to do with AT&T being based out of San Antonio, Texas because I find the accusation of its physical geography to cross the line into environmental determinism and can lead to dangerous stereotyping. One of my cousins is also based out of San Antonio, Texas and she's never suspiciously dropped my calls whenever I've confided in her my hopes and dreams of George Bush leaving this world alone... of George Bush finding himself another home...

What I will highlight about AT&T, however, is the pending class action lawsuit filed against the corporation, accusing it of monitoring its customers' phone and Internet communications without warrants.

Interesting that the day after the concert, this whole warrant business ceased to apply. Thus, AT&T leaves us no choice but to speculate that, in an effort to return the favor, Fynndie Fengland, standing by on reserve to bleep any of the Web cast’s off-color material, was instructed by persons in higher ranks to censor the Nader-loving, Bush-Bashing, Kerry-kindofsupporting lead singer’s political agenda from the Internets.

In its defense, AT&T has provided a quite selfless apology. In an I got nothing to gain from this other than increased ad revenue move, the company has offered to post the uncensored version of the band’s performance on its own Web site to make it up to the band.

Pearl Jam's response? AT&T leave this world alone...

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KUFFIYAH KRAZE UPDATE: When a shekel's a shekel

Recently spotted at a mall in West Jerusalem in a Zara department store was none other than a mannequin draped in -- you guessed it -- a kaffiyeh.

(Or: keffiyah, keffiyeh, kufiyah, kaffiya, kafiya, gutra, hatta, shemagh...)

(Or, for our friends hailing from the Department of I Know a Terrorist When My Government Tells Me I See One: THE PALESTINIAN TERRORIST SCARF!!!!)

Scared? You should be. Looks like those Jackie O shades are here to stay.

You'd think that Zara would be a little more careful with its product line, particularly since the Spanish retailer's domestic marketing rights are owned by an Israeli investments company, Africa-Israel. And not more than three months ago, Zara apologized to ultra-Orthodox jews after accidentally selling a men's suit in its Israeli stores that contained a mix of materials considered to be non-kosher. Something about how the suit utilized a thread combination of various fabrics that tasted like meat and dairy with a side of bacon... or something.

But that was a pork suit -- this is the kuffiyah kraze we're talking about now! And hey, when it comes to making dough off of the commodification of Palestinian nationalism and resistance, well...

Let's just say that perhaps the ADL needs to condemn Africa-Israel for affirming a certain Jewish stereotype.

[Tarboush tip: Diana]

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Protests Sadden Israeli Flag Salesman

While Israelis have taken to the streets to voice their disenchantment with Olmert, a BBC report asks that we focus our misguided attention over to someone still feeling the pain from last summer’s war with Lebanon:

Israel’s leading flag manufacturer, Ara Kaduri.

Indeed, Israeli flag sales have dropped 20-25% this year, causing Kaduri to feel “let down” by his compatriots who seem to be taking their disdain for their government out on his pocketbook.

Luckily, this revenue loss is being subsidized by the increase Kaduri's confederate flag operations witness every time Barack Obama speaks.

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