Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Happy April Fool's Day!

I am on a listserv called Cairo Scholars that foreigners use in Cairo generally to exchange information with each other on how to get such and such done and where to find the best prices for something, etc. Someone just played the funniest April fool's joke on us. The email is as follows:


dear cairoscholars,
i found a baby camel outside my building in february. it looked malnourished so i took it in and have been caring for it for the last month. it's exceptionally cute and has been dubbed baby joe by my gregarious bowab. the problem is that i have to go back to the united states and i am wondering if anyone has any advice for what i should do about shipping baby joe. does anyone know if fedex or ups ships live animals, and about how much would it cost? we both thank you.
- chris


The idiot that I am, I take this guy for serious. So he tells me:
dear suneela,
that's not rude at all. baby joe and i can use all the help we can get! let me know if they have any advice.
- chris

As does someone else:
If u r serious, then u cant send baby Joe by Fedex or UPS. They won't carry live animals. Your only options are: to get the airline taking you back to accept that he is a domesticated pet and if he is not too large, he can travel as cargo afer they figure out what shots and paperwork he needs. The other option is to find a ship sailing out of Alexandria, Port Said or Port Suez which carries livestock and fix a deal to have Baby Joe shipped to the US. This may be more easily done by finding a ship agent in one of these cities who handles ships that carry livestock rather than polling the ships that pass through.
- Kim

There were a series of hilarious responses that I felt compelled to share, though:
Of course you could just buy him a seat in the economy section. At check-in you'll be able to get two seats together. Call in advance for his special meal. He'll need a visa for the United States I would think, which seems difficult these days, but the people at the embassy might oblige. They'd have to interview him, and for this you'll need an interpreter. There might also be background checks. Good luck,
- Ian

if he is as small as a foal, then perhaps you can also check into how horses are shipped
- amy

Dress him up in an outfit, claim hes your aunt "Joe"sephine and suffers from various ailments, for instance, she is a hunchback.

This is actually a fairly common ploy, as you can see in these picture I took last year. It's unlikely you'll be able to fool airport security, and I don't think it's worth the risk of getting him caught in drag, which could lead to all sorts of complications.
- Cassie

If you fly home during Halloween, you can also dress as a camel and claim that he’s your mute brother. Tell the stewardess that you are “getting into the spirit of things.

I think you will need 2 pictures of your friend (Joe the Camel, lol) for his passport if he wants to apply for a visa to the States. If you have them, please let us know, we would love to see his cute face.

Don't forget the hoof printing. They have to check it out to make sure he is not on the terrorist list.

Actually, as long as you register Baby Joe as a "therapeutic companion pet," you should have no problem with him boarding the plan along with you, and
you'll be able to sidestep the hoof-printing as well.

This has worked for a therapeutic pig flying within the United States though flying a pig to Egypt may not have worked out so well.

And finally:
That is so crazy. Contact Spare. I hope they take the animal.

Anyone else have any suggestions on what we can do to save Baby Joe?

Tarboush tip: All the wonderful cairo scholars and their senses of humor

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Thursday, February 28, 2008

The Joys of Clalit

I hate Clalit. Clalit is one of the four major Sick Funds (health insurance companies) in Israel, and has shaped my interaction with the health care system in Israel. While Israel has top-notch care available in major hospitals in Jerusalem, the experiences in the Clalit clinic in the Palestinian town where I've visited as a patient have only served to make me resolve never to go back. Those details aren't as funny as the new events from today, so I'll share with you the latter and not the former.

Health insurance became mandatory for every Israeli citizen in 1995 (The National Health Insurance Law), which forbade the sick funds from refusing membership to anyone. As a result, health insurance became more accessible to the Palestinian citizens. Despite this, there remain major health discrepancies for the Palestinian population in several areas, including breast cancer early detection and survival, and infant mortality rates: 4.0 in 1,000 live births for Jewish citizens of Israel, 8.4 for Palestinian citizens, and 15.0 for the Bedouin in the Naqab (World Bank).

I can never look at statistics like these without also considering the West Bank and Gaza as well. It doesn't make sense to me to consider the situation inside Israel by itself. Israel exercises sovereignty (no matter what the PA stands for) over the whole of the territory of Mandate Palestine and then some. So let's just keep in mind people like this woman, who risked major complications by posing as an Israeli to try to get major surgery, while the person she posed as had a different blood type. Israel controls the resources available to hospitals in the Occupied Territories, and controls peoples' fundamental access to those resources. It makes more sense to keep the whole in mind.

But since I'm talking about how I hate Clalit, let's focus on 48. (Not even the areas taken into Israel by the wall, since I don't think the people living in the annexed parts, if they have Palestinian or Jerusalem ID, have Sick Fund coverage. For more information on the Sick Funds and the role they play regarding the Palestinian population inside of Israel, Rhoda Ann Kanaaneh explores this issue in depth in one of her chapters in her book (which is awesome and you should read) Birthing the Nation. Highly simplified version: the Sick Funds act as contraception-pushers for Palestinian women, and the opposite for Jewish women, bringing the politics of Israel's 'demographic challenge' into people's reproductive decisions.

That isn't the main reason why I hate Clalit. My personal enmity for Clalit is due to stuff like this:

Me: [calls Clalit Clinic in Nazareth, navigates Arabic menu, does not press 2 for Hebrew]
Clalit Clinic: [answers in Hebrew]
Me: Hello, do you speak English?
Clalit: One minute. [puts me on hold]

[Repeat asking for English speaker three times, put on hold each time, give up. From here on, everything with Clalit is in Arabic.]

Me: Hello I am coming tomorrow for an appointment and I need to know what bus goes by the clinic.
Clalit: One minute. [puts me on hold, no one answers and phone goes to fax. I call back.]

[Repeat the above four times, get fifth person.]

Me: Listen, do not hang up on me, you are the fifth person I'm talking to, I have an appointment tomorrow and I need to know how to get to the clinic.
Clalit: I don't know.
Me: You can't ask someone?
Clalit: No, we are four here and we all drive.
Me: You can't look outside and see the bus sign?
Clalit: No, we aren't Egged.
Me: Ok, where are you located?
Clalit: Near the French Hospital.
Me: Ok thanks.

[Look up bus to Nazareth in general on website, find bus at 7 am, call Egged, get told there is no bus at 7 am. Decide to take taxi. Remember I should get prescribed a blood test for which I should fast, and that the other Clalit Clinic required you to make a separate appointment entirely for labwork in a lab only open three days per week.]

Me: [Calls Clalit again.]
Clalit: Hello?
Me: Hello, I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and I know I will need to take a blood test. Can I make an appointment for the blood test?
Clalit: We don't do those appointments. You should talk to the nurses for that.
Me: Ok, can I talk to them?
Clalit: To who?
Me: The nurses.
Clalit: Oh sure. One minute. [puts me on hold.]

[phone rings until goes to fax. I call back again, press 3 for nurses.]

Me: Hello, I need to make an appointment for a blood test tomorrow. I want to know if it's possible to do it in the morning and record my name now.
Clalit: One minute.

[rings 47 times, periodically interrupted by a woman who checks to see I'm still there and then lets it ring again. at least I don't have to call back.]

Clalit Nurse: Hello?
Me: Hello, I need to make an appointment for a blood test.
Clalit Nurse: One minute. [puts me on hold.]

[Repeat four times.]

Fifth Clalit Nurse: Hello?
Me: Hello, I have to do a blood test tomorrow, can I please record my name for that?
Fifth Clalit Nurse: The lab is open until 9:30 am. There is no need to record your name.



Tarboush Tip: Will

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Friday, February 22, 2008

Hamas Unleashes Jew-Eating Rabbits

Fear me, for I eat rabbits and rabbits eat Jews. That must make me super anti-Semitic, right?



Actually, I don't have a problem with the video's overall message -- given the context of the rabbit's speech, there's nothing inherently anti-Semitic about it. After all, we can't hold Palestinian bunnies accountable for not delineating between Zionists and Jews when Israel describes itself as a Jewish state.

Still, I don't think this is a suitable program for children to be watching. Kid's shows should help develop their imaginations, knowledge, and aspirations -- not reflect how grim life really is. Even if they are living in the OPT.

[Tarboush Tip: Muna]

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Sunday, February 10, 2008

13, No Wait, 12 People Who Do Not Want To Blow You Up

In a hilariously misled attempt to publish a book on tolerance, two New York-based writers compiled write-ups of 13 people, mostly Muslims and with scary foreign-sounding names, and at the end of each say, "He does not want to blow you up!"

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar does not want a chapter on himself saying "he does not want to blow you up!" Be careful, Kareem! You'll get the FBI on your back if you appear too resistant to the idea.

So, that leaves 12 people who do not want to blow me up. What about the other 1,609,999,988 Muslims in the world?

As a counterpart to this book, if it is indeed published in the end, may I recommend a list of white people with names that sound like your neighbors' with entries such as, "Ted Kaczinsky, he'd LOVE to blow you up!"

Tarboush Tip: Tiffany for the article and basically the whole idea.

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Monday, November 26, 2007

KSA: "Hell, Even We've Got Standards!"

Brace yourselves, here comes the quote of the century…

"This is not a theatrical production. We are not coming to be photographed and to shake hands. We do not want to give people the wrong impression."
Is it me, or is Prince Saud al-Faisal’s refusal to shake Ehud Olmert’s hand kinda like when a porn star refuses to kiss her co-star on the lips cause that’d just be too damn disrespectful to her boyfriend?

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Sunday, November 25, 2007

For All Those Clueless Darfur Activists...

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Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Congrats to Niko "Tito" Muvarakopolis!!!

Also known to the KABOBfest community as “Nidalio,” Niko fulfilled a lifelong dream last night by finally opening his own dance studio. Located in the heart of West Philadelphia, Humpity Hump aims to provide disadvantaged youth with an alternative outlet for artistic expression.



Needless to say, he's the "talk of the town" in his hometown of Birzeit, Palestine. Alf mabrook ya habibi!

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Friday, November 09, 2007

"My Loony Bun Is Fine Benny Lava!"

Why not start the weekend off with some dope ass Indian music?



Is it just me, or does anyone else imagine that this is what a musical interpretation of Fayyad's honeymoon night would look and sound like? "I'd love to see you pee on us tonight! OooOoooh!"

[tarboush tip: Emily]

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Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Tuesday Night Tunes



I don't care what anyone says about the Sa3eed, this Masri brotha can get down with the best of 'em... ferrserious.

(tarboush tip: E to tha M to tha I.L.Y)

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Saturday, October 27, 2007

The Spitfire-side Chats: The Low Down on the High Value of "Low" and "Good" Numbers in the UAE and other Persian Gulf States

"Yo son, what you sporting these days?"
"Well, you know how I do; I got me some gators, 22s, and a single-digit license plate number-ya herrrrd!"

That's right, big pimpin' in the Arab world has taken a life of it's own. Because of the general level of wealth enjoyed by Khaleeji national community (and corrupt monarchy-sustained elites in other Arab countries), a couple of imagined commodities have taken the respective countries by storm as a means to distinguish individuals from the pack; many centered around "Low" and "Good" numbers.

Low and nice numbers go beyond being a representation of material wealth, they represent that of symbolic wealth, of the kind of power one can wield for accessing and possessing exclusive imaginary commodities. And what are these imaginary commodities specifically?

License plates: The lower the number the more well-connected you are to government-unless of course you bought one off of some enterprising sheikh for beaucoup bucks.

Cellphone and home numbers. The "good" numbers are basically the "nicer sounding" ones. From what my informants have told me, the "nicer" sounding connotes easy memoryability (remember I'm a budding anthropologists, I'm allowed to make up words), which usually means there are repeating or symmetric numbers in the sequence.

Here are some ads on an UAE-based ebay-like classified site called Bazaar.ae that sell "good", "nice sounding" cellphone and home numbers-some at undisclosed prices and others that will cost you a pretty dirham: Here, here, here, and oh yes, HERE.

The following are KABOBer reactions, highly-opinionated comments, sensationalist stories and titillating hearsay about the low and nice numbers phenomenon in the Arab, but mostly Khaleeji, world:

Maytha: I have been informed by my cousins who live in Abu Dhabi that low numbers on license plates are considered the 'it' thing in UAE. So, Sheikh Maktoum having a "1" as his license plate number basically means that homeboy is the biggest balla in Dubai.

Assouli: License plate numbers are also big in Jordan. the king has number 1. i remember Abdulmajid Shoman had a 5. people are very proud of their license plate numbers. poor poor people have nothing else to be proud of in Jordan. generally, it's gotta be 5 digits to be cool, unless it's 5 digits on a shitty car, which just means the person got it a long time ago. 4 digits is unheard of for anyone other than the closely connected Jordanian or the very wealthy. people pay a premium for the numbers and any repetition in numbers is hip such as 11145. then apparently there are numbers that show some connection to the mukhabarat (intelligence services) and that supposedly grants you immunity from traffic tickets without having the moustache and the Bedouin accent...

By the way, same thing for cellphone numbers... you're cool as hell if your number is 677-7776 or something... buying a SIM card you can expect to pay a healthy premium above the price of an ugly number like 648-5210, although that 210 at the end is bordering on hot!

That's pretty much what's going on in Jordan in a nutshell...

Nimr: To add my 5 cents, it is not just Jordan. In Qatar and Bahrain I heard of guys buying these "good" numbers for thousands of dollars for their cars or phones. there were even speculators and re-sellers. talk about an imagined commodity.

Omar: It's not just hearsay about people willing to pay thousands for "cool" phone numbers and license plates. When I was in Saudi my brother had a really easy number to remember and constantly kept getting calls from people who wanted to buy it. I think the highest offer he got was around ~$3500. Come to think of it, I don't know why he didn't just sell it.

I also heard of people willing to pay millions for license plates.

Diana: In Palestine, numbers are also hot too but we don't have to pay big money for them: you just have to pay an additional $5 when getting the number. Sometimes you luck out - like me - with a cool number. But I get a weirdo from Gaza always calling me thinking that I am his wife. Cars are different, of course, due to apartheid-incentiving Oslo: only PA officials get red coloured licence plates with four digits. Arafat was the only person with a 0001. The licence plate has been retired. Abu Mazen's car is now: 2000. Here the cool thing is with PASSPORT NUMBERS: PA guys get super cool numbers: A011111 (used to be the Passport Number of Abu Mazen).

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Sunday, September 30, 2007

Speaking of look-alikes...

Ever notice how freakishly similar Suha Arafat & that fat chick from Shallow Hal look?

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Monday, September 24, 2007

Yo, it's hot as shit outside...

I think I'll take my girl out for a romantic swim.

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Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Top Pleasant and Unpleasant experiences in Damascus

I recently returned to the states after spending a couple of weeks during the summer break in Syria. The reason for the trip was to study Arabic and to learn how to become a better devoted worshipper of Bashar al-Asad. This is the first in a series of observations I have about Damascus:

PLEASANT:

ASHTA




Ahhh-the creamy but crunchy magical-ness that is ASHTA!!!


UNPLEASANT:

WANTON ASS-GRABBING



This is a picture I tried to snap of the Sal al-Din statue outside of Souk al-Hamidiyeh. However, a "slight interference" startled me, and, as such, this is the image I took when displaced from balance by the almost daily run-by ass-grabbing:

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Friday, September 07, 2007

Why Is This Jerk Still Playing The Lottery?

Not only is this filthy-rich, filthy-war monger Wisconsin republican congressman is a racist xenophobic prick, but Mr. Jim "No-Neck" Sensenbrenner is also cheep and has a gambling problem.

MILWAUKEE - U.S. Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner, already a millionaire and heir to the Kimberly-Clark fortune, is on a lucky streak. The Republican hit it big in 1997 with a $250,000 jackpot in the District of Columbia lottery. Then, last spring, he won $1,000 prize in the Wisconsin lottery, and he won another $1,000 in that lottery last week.

"I got lucky," Sensenbrenner said.

Sensenbrenner, 64, was born into a family that helped build Kimberly-Clark Corp., maker of Kleenex tissue and Scott paper towels, and he recently reported a net worth of about $11.6 million. He said he spends about $10 a week on lottery tickets.

The latest winnings came in a Super 2nd Chance drawing, in which people who mail in at least $5 in losing tickets vie for 10 $1,000 prizes each week. Lottery officials put the odds of winning just one time at 1 in 5,000.
As I said, cheep. He did not just play for the "thrill of it" as an addict would say, but he mailed in his losing tickets for a chance to win a prize.

I love Wisconsin!!!

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Saturday, September 01, 2007

"Ooooo It's How You Cook The Meat!"

This post is specially dedicated to all those A-rab students and traveling comedians who miss home made meals from Mama's kitchen:



"Hey There Khalilah"

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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Driving To ZigZigland Trailer

Apparently this is not a movie about driving in the un-lined streets of Damascus, like the title would lead one to believe:



For more info on the film check out the website here.

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Cholas in Middle Eastern History



Classic Line:

The Sphinx: “Why are you mad dogging me bitch? I got secrets of the pyramids to keep!”

To understand the significance of such motifs like switchblade, the gatekeeper, and the trickster in chola culture; take a look at Askachola’s use of Joseph Campbell’s work on archetypes to explicate all this:



Inspired by Askachola (who's other videos you NEED to see on either her website or her myspace page) counseling efforts, KABOBfest has decided to service its target demographic of readers by launching it's very own version entitled "Ask a Mactivist." Outfitted in Che shirts with faces half-covered by red, black, and green, power fist-checkered kuffiyas (the smiley face kuffiyas being the obvious influence for such an avant-garde design), and scented to perfection by a peculiar mixture of Frankincense and Axe; the men of KABOBfest will be answering all questions related to using one's art, intellect, and/or passion for revolutionary change to bang some chicks. As a pleasant surprise, KABOBfest's investigative reporter/master pickup artist Chaim Sugarman has informed me that he is willing to take time away from his busy Warcraft playing schedule to participate in the telecounseling, so feel free to send those burning questions!

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Thursday, August 23, 2007

You can all thank Fayyad for this...



Habibi, when are you gonna learn that you just can't go around "hitting it and quitting it" like it's your duty as an Arab boater? Damn I love this girl...

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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

BLAME IT ON THE NIQAB!!

According to Ynet, a shit-load of Israel’s top porn sites report that between 2 – 10% of their monthly page hits stem from Muslim countries. In fact, the trend has caught on so much that many Israeli sites – like “Ratuv” (Hebrew for “wet” / FusHa for “gross as fuck”) – have started offering services in Arabic.

According to site statistics, last month there were over 2,000 hits from Riad, the capital of Saudi Arabia. The average time a Saudi surfer spends on SexV is 17:23 minutes.
Chaim Sugarman, KABOBfest’s Head of Dick-Related Statistical Affairs, notes:
Altogether, that’s 34,460 minutes of passionate pud whacking time! According to LittleSpeck.com, the average Saudi boner measures 4.9-inches – meaning 9,800-ft of Muslim dick were pleasured during this great endeavor! Given that the average jizz dispersal per dong is two teaspoons, I can say with the utmost confidence that 4,000 tea spoons of cum have been wasted on Israeli kooter. To put that in perspective, 768 teaspoons equal 1 US gallon – so last month 5.21 gallons of Saudi EJ were spilled just on kosher porn alone. That’s roughly enough dick juice to fill 50 bowls of your favorite breakfast cereal. Bone appetite!
It’s official – the niqab has succeeded in becoming so much of a cock-block that Muslim men have turned to the Middle East’s nastiest looking babes (and I use the term loosely) for some much needed imaginary lovin'.

Interestingly enough, webmasters claim that the most popular sites among young Muslims are those that feature traditional Ziofascist themes – such as female soldiers, policewomen, and Mosad agents.
The most popular video clip among Arabs, "Code name: Deep investigation," is described as "a parody dealing with the Vanunu affair with agents investigating the affair using erotic means."
And while Stockholm Syndrome's got much of the Mid East's ass-deprived pervs koos-whipped by the tips of their Hebrew Nationals - Zionuts are getting rich!
"Israeli and Arab surfers do not communicate on the website. Ideology? No, it's purely business," Tzahi laughed. "Porn will not bring about peace but at least we get some money out of our enemies' pockets."
Ain't dat some shit?

[Tarboush Tip: Fadi]

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Monday, August 13, 2007

Confirmed Sighting: Gilad Shalit


According to the Herald Sun, Britney Spears' crap-rapping ex-husband, K-Fed, is rumored to have recently sent an ex-Israeli commando named Aaron Cohen to subpoena two of Spears' associates in order to answer questions regarding her shitty parenting skills. For the record, it was not this Aaron Cohen, nor this one, nor was it this one, though he could have done the job. It was actually this one, who went undercover to get close to the K-Fed/Spears spawn. Or was it...??

Not one to miss out on a hot Hollywood scoop, Will (not this one) dispatched KABOBfest's Paparazzi Bureau Chief and co-founder of Israeli teeny-bopper Mashugana Magazine, Chaim Sugarman, to California late Monday night to confirm the story.

What Sugarman found was startling...

Apparently the ex-Israeli commando was none other than MIA Israeli Corporal Gilad Shalit - as he was found to be hiding out in a place much more dismal than the Gaza Strip... Ms. Spears' vagina.

[NOTE: I'm totally aware of how lame this post is. I'm sorry.]

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