God Called On Him to Follow Britney Spears

Founder of 24-hour paparazzi-driven celebrity stalker service website, Hollywoodtv, proclaimed in a Nightline news interview on a story on "The Britney Economy"(prefaced by a fiercely uncool middle-aged, stiff, anchor intro-ing the story with the phrase "fo real") that he was divinely inspired by God to follow Britney Spears. On a pligramige to Hajj, the British-born Muslim founder of the website, Sheeraz Hasan, said that during a trip to one of the remote mountain tops in Saudi Arabia, a message appeared from God. The message?

Follow Britney Spears.

Convinced that only divine intervention could position a Western pop culture magazine with Britney Spears gracing the front cover on a deserted hillside in Saudi Arabia during a time of spiritual awakening, he took this as a clear indication from God as to what his calling in life would be; founding a webstie dedicated to round the clock surveillance of the tabloid queen. I wonder if when I go Mecca to complete the Hajj I will be directed by the divine to produce a company devoted to making a profit out of manipulating someone's bad fortunes-nice representation of the faith Sheeraz! Keep up the iman!

Read More...

Collapse Post...

Pilgrims Go Home

Egypt today publicly (and abruptly) conceded the Dickhead of the Year 2007 Award to Israel. After refusing to allow Palestinian Hajj pilgrims to return home through the Rafah border crossing and demanding that they go through Israel, the Egyptian government relented after 7 days and allowed all those stranded to return home this afternoon. However, three elderly women died waiting to be allowed home over the past couple of days. It is alarmingly disturbing that deaths due to the closure of the Gaza Strip have become so normal. Since Israel and Egypt sealed the Erez and Rafah crossings last June, 58 men, women and children have died because they were denied permission to travel for medical assistance. There were serious fears that the pilgrims’ stalemate would continue in similar fashion, but the Egyptian authorities were forced to show that they, and not Israel, have sovereignty over their own borders. The Israeli government was "surprised" by the pilgrims' return and "displeased" with Egypt's decision, an Israeli official said. Humanitarian considerations continue to be lost on Israel, which would rather have the pilgrims die than go home without facing interrogation by their security services.

The abrupt nature of the end of the crisis is rather curious, however. While the pilgrims’ steadfastness in refusing to go through Israel undoubtedly placed pressure on the Egyptian government, there is talk of official involvement by Saudi Arabia. The United States has threatened to withhold $100 million in aid to Egypt unless it complies with Israeli demands at the border, so it is interesting that the Saudis effectively undermined the USA’s authority. I believe there will be an extended official fallout from today’s move, with the Israeli Foreign Minister calling the Egyptian efforts at the border pathetic, and her Egyptian counterpart rebuking her sharply. It will be interesting to see America’s response too. At the end of the day though, there should never have been a crisis in the first place. Israel has no authority to screen travelers between Egypt and Gaza, and Egypt has no reason to maintain the closure of the strip. In the last few weeks, Rafah has been opened twice, for the exit and return of the pilgrims, and I cannot fathom why the crossing cannot be opened permanently to allow the easy passage of people and goods. Apart from easing the suffocation of the civilian population of Gaza, Egypt could benefit by providing the essential goods, services and utilities that have been cut off by Israel.

Let’s hope today signals the beginning of the end of the despicable siege imposed on an occupied people, but my optimism remains guarded.

Read More...

Collapse Post...

Dickheads of the Year 2007

There’s an interesting little competition going on at the Gaza-Egypt border, with three competitors (the Egyptian government, Israel and Abbasshole and Co.) in a tense, last-minute struggle for the title of 2007’s Dickheads of the Year (DOTY).

With the Rafah crossing (the only border crossing available to most Gazan’s) closed since June, there were legitimate fears that Gaza’s Hajj pilgrims would be denied the chance to take part in this sacred rite. Abbasshole immediately sensed the opportunity to impress the judges presiding over DOTY (aka the US Congress) by claiming that Hamas does not want the pilgrims to get to Mecca. Doesn’t matter if that shit doesn’t make sense, it’s all game here. Abbasshole and Israel then conspired to bring the issue to a level of spitefulness not seen since Mohammad Dahlan was in highschool, by giving a number of Fatah supporters the chance to travel through the Erez crossing from Gaza, into Israel, onto the West Bank, then Jordan and finally Saudi Arabia. Everybody else had to stay home.

Gleefully and shamelessly masquerading their little deal, Abbasshole and Co. felt confident that they were only a few more weeks of strangling their own people away from toppling Hamas. But then Egypt decided to get all up in that mess, allowing the rest of Gaza’s pilgrims to leave through Rafah in a one-off act of compassion. Also, a one-off bigass fuck you to Abbasshole. Props to Om il Donya.

Israel, which would like to remind you that it Left Gaza Two Years Ago©, was obviously not very happy. Why should Palestinians leave from Gaza into another country and not be subjugated to Israeli control? How utterly offensive. So they took shit down to levels not seen since Avigdor Lieberman was in 7^th grade in Moldova, and upped the pressure on the US Congress to withhold aid to Egypt until it lets Israel search and interrogate people that would be crossing between Egypt and Gaza. Again, Israel would like to remind you it Left Gaza Two Years Ago©.

For those of you who appreciate clean competition, this twist is rather vulgar. The judges are, mother of shockers, biased! And the losers are the Palestinians pilgrims. Back to the story.

The pilgrims who left through Erez were allowed back into Gaza yesterday. Israel couldn’t resist a last shot at the title, by opening machine gun fire at the returning pilgrims as they awaited inspection. Khaldiyya Hamdan, 55, was murdered, raising the stakes exponentially. Egypt, however, was not to be outdone. Announcing that the pilgrims would not be allowed to go home through Rafah, the authorities dumped them at makeshift camps in Alareesh, where several Palestinians have died already in the past year waiting to go home. The pilgrims at first refused to get down from their buses, and then threatened to violently resist being forced to go through Israel. The reality, however, is that most of the pilgrims are elderly or ill. This afternoon, Khadra Sa'd, 67, passed away at a nearby hospital after her medical situation deteriorated in the camp.

There are mere hours left till the deadline passes and the winner of Dickheads of the Year 2007 is announced. I really hope the Egyptians display the courage they did in allowing the pilgrims to leave through Rafah by allowing them to go home safely, en route to permanently opening the border, whose closure has contributed to the suffocating humanitarian situation in Gaza. As for the other two contestants, Israel is Israel. And Abbasshole? He can’t go to hell soon enough.

Read More...

Collapse Post...