Last year when then Israeli deputy prime minister Shimon Peres went to Qatar for a debate, TV cameras caught this moment of Qatari resistance -- a businessman slyly slipping Peres the Arab "bird."
KABOBfest will soon post a KABOBforum about Israeli Foreign minister PeeZit Livni's sojourn there, inshallah.
[This picture was taken from a satire ridiculing Al-Jazeera for not covering this visit]
Note: I apologize for my second flipping off reference this week. It's been on my mind a lot lately.
Secretary of State Condi Rice is still holding on to this mythical notion that there is a Palestinian peace process and it will culminate in statehood by the end of the year. Either, she is going to miraculously pull a sovereign Palestinian state out of her ass -- to maybe get ONE thing done in her career -- or she is simply saying something she knows she won't face any consequences for knowing she will be gone in January.
Or maybe after all these meetings and photo ops, she is smitten by the ball of charm known as Mahmoud Abbas, and figured out what she needs to say to get in his pants.
Why else would she spout patently false bullshit like:
"We continue to state America's position that settlement activity should stop, that its expansion should stop -- that it is indeed not consistent with 'road map' obligations,"
They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but that Time Magazine's December 17, 2007 cover looks like it could have been taken straight from of the KABOBarchives, has gotten me a little worried. Initially, I wondered if I should be so surprised. This was the same reputable publication who brought us O.J. Simpson's doctored mug shot an entire generation before.
Perhaps we should blame Mumu for refusing the request to pose as a dupe for Time's photographers. Does it really matter? Is Time correct in thinking that no one would really care? During the O.J. circus, Time figured there would be no backlash -- this is America, where people recognize that crime comes in any color as long as it's black. If rival Newsweek wouldn't have run the same mugshot on their cover in its unaltered state in the same week on the same newstands, the study in contrast would not have been so great.
Today, Ahmadinejad's caricature seems to be a new sort of sensationalism, this time riding the wave of the ever popular gossip rags and BREAKING!!! news items stemming from the infotainment channels. If this were a political cartoon this wouldn't be as problematic, but such messages are usually left out of the domain of photography where the "real" is communicated in infinitely more salient ways. What concerns me is that many of us really believe that what we see, read, and hear from the mainstream news is truth.
That Time is being quite satirical but pretending it's not (perhaps they believe their own lies as soon as ink hits paper?) reminds me of earlier this year during the California wildfires, when Nadeem, Fayyad and I began conspiring a KABOBspoof with Chaim Sugarman, KABOBfest Senior Terrorism Expert/Reporter without Borders, to report our outrage on how no one had yet considered how it may have been the terrorists who started the fires because, as everybody already knows, along with balancing nuclear bombs in their knapsacks over their heads while swimming across the Rio Grande, this was exactly the sort of thing the terrorists would do.
But the next morning on Fox & Friends morning show, co-host Steve Doocy announced that he and thousands of his fans would like America to know that probably, Al Qaeda was behind the burning of California. And he said that with a straight face.
I hear it feels good to be so coked out.
Learning that for an increasing number of people making shit up is their actual job-job from which they can actually buy groceries and pay rent, has really put the role of KABOBfest as a volunteer-run forum into new perspective. See, I just learned that I'm not allowed to give capitalism the finger by filing for bankruptcy after graduation and default on my student loans because Sallie Mae with get her brother/baby daddy Earl to like, hunt me down and kill me, so now I have to contribute to capitalism's own demise in another way, like, by getting a job. That like pays. So Will, you might want to consider the possiblity that some of your KABOBers (I too, have a PhotoShop hand Rupert!) are prime to get lucrative positions at places like Faux News where crime is available in any color you'd like, but like their cocaine -- it often comes white. I may have to stay out of the sun.
French archaeologists in Syria found 11,000-year-old graffiti art in Northern Syria. They claim it is the oldest tagging in the world -- and possibly in the universe. This offers more proof that Arabs invented hip-hop culture.
The 2 by 2 meter painting may be an early attempt at a Syrian flag, with its use of red, black, white, and Baathist inspiration.
The words "reppin' da Neolithic dawg," also indicate the earliest tacky misuse of ebonics in history, as well the beginning of Neolithic consciousness. Naturally, it also entailed an irrational hatred for all things Upper Paleolithic.
According to one of the archaeologists, "It looks like a modernist painting. Some of those who saw it have likened it to work by (Paul) Klee." Meaning, it looks like vomit on a canvas (j/k, I don't know Klee's work and have no interest to google him. I just hate overly-abstract art).
Congratulations to the archaeologists. Sadly, Europeans are once again learning more about the history of places under Arab feet than Arabs themselves are. I hate that more than I hate abstract, high art.
As mentioned by Will in this post, St. Thomas University administrators cancelled a talk scheduled for this Spring by Nobel Laureate and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. The anti-free-flow-of-information administrators banned Tutu because he has made some statements "against Israeli policy." In particular, Doug Hennes, St. Thomas's vice president for university and government relations, lambasted Tutu for "compar[ing] the state of Israel to Hitler." While initially it was thought that Hennes was either outright fabricating this allegation or was spoon-fed this false information (for Tutu has never compared Israel to Hitler), KABOBfest investigative reporter Chaim Sugarman has uncovered a number of incriminating photos that will surely vindicate St. Thomas University's seemingly insane decision: This picture was taken in 1999 (as you can see from the length of bin Laden's beard, the camera's date setting of 1996 is obviously incorrect). According to Mort Klein of the Zionist Organization of America, here Tutu and bin Laden are planning 9-11 in one of Saddam's bunkers (turns out Saddam was sheltering him all along). Can you believe this guy was almost allowed to speak at one of our Universities! (photo credit: Will "free speach" Youmans - ya, he was there too) Tutu with Saddam: for years Tutu was mistaken for Donald Rumsfeld in this photo; turns out that was just a photoshop job by the America/God-hating liberal media
Here Tutu plans the mass killing of Jews with Hitler in Berlin, 1939. This probably explains why Israel publicly supported white supremacy and South African Apartheid until its demise
(Tarboush Tip: Nadeem the resident photoshop expert)
(L-R) Israeli supermodels Ehuda Olmert & Elisheva Kohein pose outside of a VS fashion show
Ha'aretz (censored) reports that PM Ehud Olmert and PA Chairman Mahmoud Abbas' meeting initially scheduled for Tuesday has been postponed until Wednesday - due to "technical reasons."
According to David Baker, Israeli government spokesperson, the change was made after Olmert learned that a fuse in Abbas' gynoplastical defibulator had blown and needed replacing. No worries - an Israeli Emergency Technical Team (ETT) insists Abbas will be repaired "as good as new" in time for Wednesday's pre-conference shmooz.
According to Ynet, a shit-load of Israel’s top porn sites report that between 2 – 10% of their monthly page hits stem from Muslim countries. In fact, the trend has caught on so much that many Israeli sites – like “Ratuv” (Hebrew for “wet” / FusHa for “gross as fuck”) – have started offering services in Arabic.
According to site statistics, last month there were over 2,000 hits from Riad, the capital of Saudi Arabia. The average time a Saudi surfer spends on SexV is 17:23 minutes.Chaim Sugarman, KABOBfest’s Head of Dick-Related Statistical Affairs, notes:
Altogether, that’s 34,460 minutes of passionate pud whacking time! According to LittleSpeck.com, the average Saudi boner measures 4.9-inches – meaning 9,800-ft of Muslim dick were pleasured during this great endeavor! Given that the average jizz dispersal per dong is two teaspoons, I can say with the utmost confidence that 4,000 tea spoons of cum have been wasted on Israeli kooter. To put that in perspective, 768 teaspoons equal 1 US gallon – so last month 5.21 gallons of Saudi EJ were spilled just on kosher porn alone. That’s roughly enough dick juice to fill 50 bowls of your favorite breakfast cereal. Bone appetite!It’s official – the niqab has succeeded in becoming so much of a cock-block that Muslim men have turned to the Middle East’s nastiest looking babes (and I use the term loosely) for some much needed imaginary lovin'.
The most popular video clip among Arabs, "Code name: Deep investigation," is described as "a parody dealing with the Vanunu affair with agents investigating the affair using erotic means."And while Stockholm Syndrome's got much of the Mid East's ass-deprived pervs koos-whipped by the tips of their Hebrew Nationals - Zionuts are getting rich!
"Israeli and Arab surfers do not communicate on the website. Ideology? No, it's purely business," Tzahi laughed. "Porn will not bring about peace but at least we get some money out of our enemies' pockets."Ain't dat some shit?
According to the Herald Sun, Britney Spears' crap-rapping ex-husband, K-Fed, is rumored to have recently sent an ex-Israeli commando named Aaron Cohen to subpoena two of Spears' associates in order to answer questions regarding her shitty parenting skills. For the record, it was not this Aaron Cohen, nor this one, nor was it this one, though he could have done the job. It was actually this one, who went undercover to get close to the K-Fed/Spears spawn. Or was it...??
Not one to miss out on a hot Hollywood scoop, Will (not this one) dispatched KABOBfest's Paparazzi Bureau Chief and co-founder of Israeli teeny-bopper Mashugana Magazine, Chaim Sugarman, to California late Monday night to confirm the story.
What Sugarman found was startling...
Apparently the ex-Israeli commando was none other than MIA Israeli Corporal Gilad Shalit - as he was found to be hiding out in a place much more dismal than the Gaza Strip... Ms. Spears' vagina.
[NOTE: I'm totally aware of how lame this post is. I'm sorry.]
Seriously folks, if you can’t trust your own illegitimate government to manage the subcontracting of your nation’s occupation, then dammit - who can you trust??
Just when his puppet-masters thought he had his shit in order, Abbasshole goes ahead and pulls a stupid move like this: mistakenly wiring 3,500 loyal members of Hamas’ military force a total of $2.3 million in back pay. (In Zionist terms, that’s 9,814,100.46 Israeli Shekels – stings, don’t it?)
You heard right – Israel, who stole the funds from Palestine in the first place, generously offered to transfer them back to Abbasshole’s government after he promised to do like a good little boy and give Hamas the boot. According to Ha’aretz (censored), Israel “specifically stipulated that the money mustn’t reach Hamas.”
In recent weeks, the ministry has been paying overdue wages to 170,000 civil servants, half of them security forces. For more than a year, the Palestinian Authority was able to pay only partial wages because of international sanctions [and Israeli theft] imposed against it while it was governed by a Hamas-led cabinet. Those sanctions were lifted after Abbas ousted Hamas from power and set up a loyalist government.Now he’s got everyone wondering… LOYAL TO WHOM EXACTLY???
Yeaaah, that’s as likely as Fayyad actually getting the opportunity to “make it up to” a certain big bootied Latina blogger. (Aim lower habeeby - start with Programmer Craig and work your way up the food chain).
Or, better yet, serve a bit of that spicy KABOB to Israeli Transportation Minister Shaul Mofaz – who announced today that 'security' personnel at Ben Gurion International Airport will no longer mark the luggage belonging to non-Jews with colored tags – “in order to spare these passengers embarrassment,” says Ha’aretz (censored).
WOOHOO! THERE IS A G-D AFTER ALL!!!
Instead, Mofaz explained, the luggage of non-Jewish passengers will be stamped with the same color sticker as the Jewish passengers, only with a different number. In the past, the color of the sticker on the passenger's luggage would indicate to airport security personnel the level of security check they must administer.Hmmm. People marked with numbers so that a blood-thirsty and power-hungry military state can differentiate between an ethnic group deemed ‘superior’ and another deemed ‘subhuman’… … sounds awfully FUCKING familiar!!
Though the colored stickers have been discontinued since the beginning of August, the luggage belonging to Arab passengers still undergoes a more thorough security check than that of Jews. The Arabs' luggage is sent to an X-ray scanner with higher resolution.It’s actually a really cool process. Not only do we get our skid-marked pantaloons flung out all over the place for everyone to see, we also get to strip down to our knickers and have random men cup our balls! (You can relate, can’t ya Roy?)
According to Transportation Ministry spokesman Avner Ovadia, "the institution of uniformly colored stickers for all passengers aims to prevent a sense of discrimination among various sectors."POP QUIZ HOT SHOT – What in bloody hell does that mean?
a) If a Palestinian is being discriminated against, but is too stupid to realize it – then, technically, “discrimination” doesn’t exist.I dunno. Maybe I’m being too much of a pessimist. After all, it took Israel an entire “public committee” (headed by Jim Crowzinsky of course) to come up with this sincere stroke of genius.
- OR -
b) As long as “various [non-Palestinian] sectors” don’t notice our discriminatory policies – then, technically, "discrimination" doesn’t exist.
[A]n Arab resident of Nazareth [Hosni abu-Sherlock] who frequently flies out of Ben Gurion airport said he had no trouble at all identifying the marked luggage. "This is the exact same system, with a slight change in stickers. In the past, an Arab passenger would receive a red sticker, and now the Arab passenger receives a sticker with the number 5 on it," the man explained.And that, my friends, is reason 1,948 why I love Israel… and all its Zionut friends.
The absurd rivalry between Fatah and Hamas over a sham government that has never maintained any real or substantial authority has left Palestinians – in both Palestine and Diaspora – confused, fearful, hurt, and utterly dismayed.
While supporters on both sides point the blame at one another, the dream of Palestinian self-determination continues to slip away faster and further than it has ever done before. Without a single unified front, the Palestinian Nation, as a whole, is left susceptible to increased exploitation, oppression, violence – and recently, starvation – at the hands of foreign governments and transnational actors hoping to advance their interests at the expense of our basic human rights.
As the international community looks on in ironic bewilderment, America and Israel have already taken concrete steps towards solidifying this preposterous chasm within our socio-political structure. But are they to blame? My answer is no – at least not solely. While they rallied international support for the external (and internal) pressures that eventually made the environment ripe for such chaos to ensue, democratically-elected representatives of the Palestinian community let their constituents down by taking their bait.
Some argue that we had no choice – and couldn’t have done anything to stop the sad course of events that lead us to where we are today. I disagree. While it’s true that the international community has long turned its back on us, I am more disappointed in how we have treated each other over the course of this last year than how the world abandoned us nearly sixty years ago. No doubt, we should be ashamed of ourselves.
What the American government and Israel are doing to us right now is a crime. They have supplied our factions with weapons and support and through diplomatic pressures have incited a riot of monumental proportions. If we continue to feed into this devastating and inhumane game of theirs, then we too are to blame.
It is my sincere belief that we are not a stupid people. On the contrary, we are extremely intelligent – just disenfranchised and lost. Right now, more than ever before, is a good time to take a step back and re-evaluate our circumstances – and ask ourselves, “How and why did we get here? Above all: how do we get out of here?”
Karma Nabulsi’s most recent article in the Guardian is a good place to start: The people of Palestine must finally be allowed to determine their own fate.
(Tarboush tip: Maher B. - and as promised, a bomb ass shout-out to my new homie lil' D - keepin it Khaleel ferreal!)
I found this on a MYspace page. It was posted, and possibly designed, by a hip-hop producer in Germany named Mauvais Garcon.
According to the Associated Press, Israeli motorists kept driving past a fallen motorcycle rider as he lay dying on a main street outside of Tel Aviv last Sunday...
Apparently, cars kept driving by - AND AROUND - the fallen motorcyclist for over an entire cycle of a traffic signal until a "good Samaritan" finally decided to stop!
By the time rescue workers were notified and got to the scene, he was already dead.
Seriously, what a bunch of frickin' assholes!
Interestingly, the same AP article notes that "[e]ach year, more than 500 Israelis are killed in traffic accidents, by far more than are killed in terrorist attacks."
Therefore, I propose building a huge concrete wall around all of Israel's highways, streets, and even park-side trails... so as to keep all of their assholes off the road.
I wonder... would that then constitute a national curfew? Probably so. ASSHOLES!
[Tarboush tip: BMOC]
The following is the winning poster of the 2007 Al-Awda Award Festival In Celebration of Creative Resistance to commemorate Al Nakba. Peep the other amazing art works submitted for the award competition.
I read the following article on the Arab Monitor, but had a hard time finding the story anywhere else. Can anyone in the KABOB-o-sphere confirm the involvement of Israel's Zeef Belinksi in the construction of US-sponsored segregation walls in Iraq?
Baghdad, 25 April - Following Monday's protest marches in the Adhamiya district of Baghdad against a US project which they feel aimed at herding them into a prison, Iraqi Shia leader Moqtada al-Sadr surprisingly stood up against the project also.
Adding his voice to the mainly Sunni protesters against the construction of a 5 km-long wall around the neighborhood of Adhamiya in Baghdad, he condemned the evil intentions of the occupation forces, accusing them of aiming at dividing Sunni from Shiite Iraqis. Declaring himself confident that mounting protest from "honourable people" will bring down the US project of fencing in unwanted local minorities, Moqtada al-Sadr declared "We the people of Iraq will defend Adhamiya and other neighbourhoods that you (Americans) want to segregate from us. We will stand hand in hand with you (Sunnis) to demonstrate and protect our holy land."
Seemingly unabated, high-ranking US officers, among them Brig. Gen. John F. Campbell, declared the construction of the wall will go ahead as planned and revealed that a plan to construct additional separation walls around other neighbourhoods were also in the making. The US military spokesmen applied the term of "gated communities" - a term borrowed from the entirely different US socio-ecnomical reality of urban planning - to what Iraqi protesters perceive as a policy of ghettoization.
In any case, the plan to fence in Iraqis on a large scale is designed to bring into business a well-known Israeli company: according to a report issued yesterday by the Mosul-based Dar Babel, the project of social engeneering through building conrete separation walls in Iraq has been in preparation for at least three months. The project is headed by the well-known finance tycoon Ahmad al-Chalabi and will bring into business on an unprecedented scale the Israeli company of Zeef Belinksi.
The company of Zeef Belinski, a German-Israeli Jewish businessman, has a long experience in building barriers in the Occupied Territories of Palestine: with the help of two corrupt Palestinian business clans - owners of the Tarifi Cement Companies and the Barakeh General Trade - in the years 2003/4 Zeef Belinski imported 390.000 tons of subsidized Egyptian cement and used it for building Jewish settlements and the Apartheid wall in the Occupied Territories of Palestine. The cement had been subsidized by the Egyptian government exclusively for use in rebuilding Palestinian homes and infrastructure destroyed by the Israeli occupation forces, but the Tarifi and Barakeh companies used only 30.000 of the delivered 420.000 tons for that purpose, while reselling the greater part to Belinski.
While Tarifi and Barakeh, outfitted with certificates from the Fatah-managed Palestinian National Authority, managed to get the cement from Egypt at an average price of 13,5 dollars per ton, the average market price in Israel at that time was at 90 dollars per ton. Thus, the trio Belinski, Tarifi and Barakeh generated millions of dollars of net profit at the expense of the Egyptian taxpayer.
(Tarboush Tip: Chaim Sugarman)
You would think that after the whole Iraq debacle, Neo-Con/Player-For-Real Paul Wolfowitz would learn that fetishizing Arabs, whether women or nations, is bad news.
Just as his Lawrence-of-Arabiaesque notions about liberating the Arab world ultimately cost him major credibility points in DC, and possibly his post in the government, his well-known love affair with Shaha Riza is now landing Mr. Romance Pants in the hot seat.
Riza was a World Bank employee until shortly after Wolfie took over. The ethics rules at the Bank preclude personal relations between superiors and their underlings. She she was "transferred" to the State Department, yet stayed on the WB's payroll -- to the tune of $193,000 a year. Not bad, though I would need twice that to bed Wolfie.
Riza is a product of pan-Arab genetic pool. She was born in Tripoli, Libya, to a Libyan father and Syrian - Saudi mother. She is also a self-described feminist. So you know she didn't take shit from him. She was probably all about pushing his ass to get her the raise. Wolfowitz probably did not know what he was getting his ass into when he got with this strong Arab woman. In one of his statements, he might have hinted at this: "Not only was this a painful personal dilemma, but I also had to deal with it when I was new to this institution, and I was trying to navigate uncharted waters." Could "uncharted waters" be a relationship with a strong Arabiyya?
Luckily, KABOBfest investigative report/stalker Chaim Sugarman happened to obtain transcripts of a Wolfowitz-Riza intimate phone exchange after all their other colleagues got off a conference call:
WOLFOWITZ: I see it's just you and me left on the call... huh? So Shaha, what are you wearing?
RIZA: Your favorite...
WOLFOWITZ: Your birthday suit? heh heh
RIZA: No, my birthday is in two months...
WOLFOWITZ: It's a... nevermind... You've been a bad little Arab haven't you?!? I know what you want, don't I?
RIZA: Yeah, u do baby, how can I forget?? Daddy knows best...
WOLFOWITZ: Say it... yeah... whisper it. Tell me what you need...
RIZA: Oh, give me democracy... I need it... I love it... I want it. Democracy!!
WOLFOWITZ: Yes! Yes! (panting heavily) And what else?!??!?
RIZA: Freedom!!
WOLFOWITZ: Eeeewwwwww... you dirty little Arab. (panting) You make daddy proud... and an election... don't forget my election.
RIZA: Yes daddy, you know I want your big American election...
WOLFOWITZ: Whoa Nelly! I'm coming home. The Gipper has landed... yes, yes... (sighs). OK. Time to go. I'll see you back at the Bank.
RIZA: That's right. And you better get me that raise we talked about. Y'allah bye.
A List of what I considered the Top Ten Highlights of the Diwan Conference:
10. The privilege of experiencing the beautiful early season blooming of Will and Ray Hanania's friendship. Yes, seeds were definitely planted and watered at Diwan.
9. The Periscope Penis
8. Amish Licorice-I hope you know what I mean by that *nudge* *wink* *jab* *salacious lip lick*
7. The director of the Arab American History Museum's public rebuking of Fayyad for cutting me off during the KABOBfest
6. A spontaneous group Debke during the Philistine's and the NOMADS performance
5. Meeting and connecting with the inspiring artists
4. Watching the KABOBmen mac on the inspiring artists
3. The purchase of Kibbe and Zaatar-centric shirts
2. The near fight that broke out between the too-cool-to-be-hip and too-hip-to-be-cool pseudo-rasta DJ at the conference afterparty and a testosterone-heavy member of our posse. In response to the unrecognizable and undance-able "sped-up" hip hop music, our friend, informed the DJah that his music was "wack." And, the DJ, an Arab man repping the rasta look, came back with, "Go back to Dearborn," implying our friend was a walking stereotype of a Dearborn Ay-rab (which caused our friend to accidentally spill his drink on said DJ's dashiki).
1. The KABOBfest presentation of course! We dutifully upheld one of the key missions outlined in the KABOBfest charter: people were cracking up and pissed off people all at the same time!
[Tarboush Tip: Nadeem]
Yes folks, it's true - on the KABOBvan's journey back home from Diwan, we ran into crack-head alien-look-alike neo-con right-wing pundit and best-selling hate-monger Ann Coulter... at a Roy Rogers / Subway / Starbucks rest-stop somewhere along the Pennsylvania turnpike.
Yes she was wearing a black mini-skirt, and no she wouldn't stop for a KABOBfest photo-op. In fact, the disgustingly thin bobble-headed biotch wouldn't even acknowledge our existence.
So what did we do? Damn straight we mooned her! Twice!
In other news - the Arab American National Museum's Diwan conference was the most inspiring Arab-American event I have ever attended. It was an honor to present alongside such unique, compelling, and accomplished artists. Not only did the conference help to reaffirm and instill pride in those fortunate enough to attend, but it also served to highlight and empower a community that's been long overlooked by other American's in this country's uniquely diverse social fabric.
As promised, below you will find the "Top Ten" items KABOBfest found to be missing from the Arab-American National Museum. We expect these to be present in time for the next Diwan conference...
10. A collection of pictures of all the Arab-Americans who took photos with G.W. Bush during his 1st campaign run - who now regret it.
9. Paperwork from the first Arab-American insurance scam.
8. A statistical breakdown of Arab men who wear tighty whities vs. boxer briefs.
7. Empty hair gel bottle used by 1st Arab immigrant.
6. Omar Sharif's criminal record.
5. Cash register from 1st Arab-American owned liquor store.
4. An exhibit on Blonde hair / blue eyed American trophy wives of Arab men.
3. A bidet so that we can wash our asses the proper way.
2. Left over plastic from the 1st Lebanese nose job.
1. A REAL map of Palestine!
Thank you Diwan! Thank you KABOBers for an amazing experience! And a special thanks to all our KABOBfans... SHALOM!
