"You know, some people now continue to teach their children and their grandchildren. It’s part of culture. It’s part of a way of life. People enjoy hunting and shooting because it’s an important part of who they are."
-Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail in Indiana, April 12, 2008
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Two men, same religion, same haircut but with very different pointing tones.
KABOBfest readers are convinced Barack HUSSAIN Obama is trying to pull a fast one here. Not only are they sure he is an undercover Muslim brother, but they have the undeniable logic figured out: his haircut very much resembles Malcolm X's. How can you argue with that?
he lacks foreskin. | |
his middle name is Hussein. | |
his wife always stands behind him when he's seen in public. | |
the Jihadis will dance in the streets if he wins. | |
he has a Malcolm X haircut. | |
he attended madrassahs in Indonesia. | |
Please vote in the newest KABOBpoll (at the top right)
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A recent AP article discussed the US Army's hardships in the area of recruiting Arabs and Arab-Americans to help out with the occupation of Iraq. KABOBfest Arab Mind analyst Chaim Sugarman wrote a secret 43 page memo to the Army, outlining suggestions for recruiting more Arabs.
After not being able to find anyone to read it in the Pentagon, not even the Ethiopian taxi driver who took him there, he decided to release the key suggestions here.
TIPS FOR RECRUITING MORE ARABS TO THE US ARMY
By. Chaim Sugarman
6) Nancy Ajram and Haifa Wehbe should be on USO tours to perform for the troops.
5) All Army vehicles should be manufactured by Mercedes or BMW and display their logos prominently.
4) Army compounds should be re-furnished. Living areas should have plastic covered, ornate French chairs and sofas with wooden legs and Gold trim.
3) Promotional materials should create the illusion that the Army is staffed largely by blonde American women.
2) The Army should pay Arab recruits and several of their cousins tax-free, under the table, and should bribe Arab Moms to guilt their sons into doing it.
1) The Army should un-occupy Iraq and invade Israel.
For copies of the report,
e-mail Chaim Sugarman.
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For Immediate Release:
In these troublesome, fractured times hope now abounds. My friends of the world, I am embarking on a journey of epic proportions- of glorious valor; danger may lurk but in the end we will see the creation of a real, contiguous State for the People (the Palestinian ones) of Palestine!
There exists a barren desert in the stretches of the Pacific Ocean, a neglected, haggard continent of refuse (mostly made of plastic "thank you" bags from the U.S. and China) left to swirl within the currents between San Francisco and Hawaii: Empty, currently uninhabited. It is named "The Great Pacific Garbage Patch (GPGP)."
Fortunately the will of the great Allah has bestowed a covenant with His chosen exiles and has recently informed me of our glorious destiny! The "GPGP" shall become "GP", or GREATER Palestine! GREATER? because the current "Palestines", the 3 Gazas, the little piece of Northern West Bank, little piece of Southern West Bank, and that tiny area outside of Bab-al-Hamud where you get a taxi to Ramallah is only roughly the size of Nabeel's bedroom: Our new and improved GREATER Palestine will be twice the size of Texas!
We will make the garbage island bloom!
My boat leaves tomorrow and I will keep you all informed of my exciting journey to secure this garbage island with no people for a people with no garbage island. And unlike our Zionist friends, this is a land no one would want to live on (at least we're not considering Uganda and Argentina as they did). Farewell to you all! I will post more pictures so that you all can revel in our collective destiny's materialization.
-Excen-Tarik ibn-Ziad
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An Israeli researcher made international waves after finding that Moses was on psychedelic drugs when he transcribed God's Ten Commandments directly from the great being itself.
That prophets can have world-changing revelations while doped up is not news to us at KABOBfest. Our own personality cult leader, the mysterious Nabeel, shared a recent drug-induced epiphany. As his loyal subject, it is my duty to proselytize his divine message.
He took this picture of Obama street art in San Francisco, and analogized it to Orwell's 1984, saying it is like "OBEY." "OBEYMA" anyone?
Now that I have spread our master's word, we only have to figure whether we are to obey Obama or not.
[tarboush tip: Muhammad and His Holiness, Nabeel]
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Early this morning a small explosion went off on the front of the Armed Forces Career Center in New York's famous strip of visual diarrhea, Times Square.
Care to read my early morning, breaking news analysis? As an Arab-American, I hold secrets in my mystical palms...
In case we do not understand what a small explosion at such an office could mean, the media are helping us by calling its source an "improvised explosive device," which are also what the US military calls the bombs used by Iraqi insurgents. Are they trying to scream "Iraq"? I know this sounds like splitting hairs, but such subtle suggestive cues are quite powerful. If they weren't, Times Square would not be riddled with advertisements.
Then again, why else would anyone target a military recruitment office? Is it out of solidarity with the insurgents, or anger at US militarism, or by a veteran who saw the measly benefits and care they get (or had to buy his own equipment), or a "home-grown terrorist," or an alienated college student who finds random shooting sprees so passe, or a prank?
I doubt we'll get an answer to this, but if the purpose is for us to rethink this war, I doubt it will work -- the vast majority is already against it. We're too busy soaking up tube, paying our credit card debt, and eating to do anything about it.
Okay, maybe we'll vote for Obama or that recent convert against the war, Clinton, but besides that, do not count on us to do much more.
Mayor Moneybags Bloomberg is going to give a press briefing at any minute. The police are considering whether this could be related to previous small explosions at the British and Mexican consulates in the past years.
While police search for clues, they are missing one obvious suspect. Just so I can beat the right-wing loonies to the punch, I will find the Arab-Muslim link to this.
The New York Times revealed that a Muslim, possibly Arab, man "witnessed it":Mohammed Hossain, 39, whose coffee cart, is at the corner of Seventh Avenue and 44th Street, said he heard the explosion before 4 a.m. “I heard a loud noise and I turned around and saw smoke,” he said. “And then the cops were everywhere, within minutes.” Mr. Hossain, who has operated the cart for 15 years, said police asked him to close up until about 7:15.
15 years? Yeah right. He's just trying to get a little free publicity for his coffee cart, making it seem like a vintage establishment. A little waterboarding in Guantanamo can get the truth out of him.
Rudy Giuliani would have got the truth out of him.
Hopefully we can get one of the two NYC-based KABOBers on the scene, since they probably have nothing else to do.
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Not to be outdone in the Kuffiyah-spotting contest, yes it could determine the next President, Republican candidate John McCain is now trotting his daughter around in a purple kuffiyah (see the above picture, which "she" -- not "they" -- posted on "her" -- not the "campaign's" blog).
Is it a coincidence that this we found this picture only minutes after exposing an Obama supporter's Islamofashionism (see below)?
This seems to be a slick move on the McCain campaign's part to win the Palestinian/angry left's votes. Is he seeking the highly touted KABOBendorsement, which is worth at least 1/20th a superdelegate in terms of electoral influence?
By using his daughter, he also keeps a safe distance from potential controversy from all the right-wing hams he's been carefully courting. Very slick, my friend, very slick. Can we be the first to give him the moniker "Slick Johnny"? (how original, I know)
[tarboush tip: Jonah and Michal]
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While driving home from work today, I heard a really inspirational story on NPR’s "All Things Considered" about a U.S. marine whose dying wish was to have two dogs he found in Baghdad transported to America for his family to care for. Long story short, his grieving family fought against all odds to realize his dream and in the end succeeded. Today, Mumma and Renold (I think that was their names) reside in a cookie cutter suburban town somewhere in the good ol’ U.S. of A.
Feel warm inside? Really, you don’t? Ok you heartless bastard, how about this…
Last Thursday, on Valentine’s Day, the SPCA International Baghdad Program (yes, there is such a thing) brought Charlie, a border collie mix, to the U.S after Watson, the active-duty soldier who found him in Iraq, couldn’t bare to give him up. According to Watson, “It’s probably going to be a real shock for him to see such beauty and great monuments after knowing nothing but the slums of Baghdad.” Charlie is currently on route from DC to Phoenix.
Isn’t that cute? I think so! Especially since this is what the doggies really want…
Just ask Nubbs. He currently lives in San Diego. An Iraqi by birth, he was transported to the U.S. after Major Brian Dennis rescued him in the Al Anbar province of Iraq. After finding Nubbs and nursing him back to health, Dennis was dispatched to a military outpost 70 miles away from where Nubbs resided. Nubbs, however, loved Dennis so much that he tracked him across the desert. Though Dennis couldn’t keep him, he was touched enough to arrange for the pup to be transported to the United States (via the "No Buddy Left Behind" initiative). A reunion is currently in the works for the Ellen Degeneres show.
And it doesn’t end there folks….
Eleven other dogs and two cats adopted by service members in Iraq or Afghanistan are in the pipeline for rescue, said Stephanie Scroggs, a spokeswoman for SPCA International. The SPCA will pay about $4,000 per rescue, Scroggs said. She acknowledged that the sum could aid many more stateside animals but said the program also supports the troops. [Washington Post]
In fact,
Liberty and K-Pot are scheduled to arrive in the United States tomorrow. I can't wait!
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So, normally new posters here at KF are kind of voted in by the current roster of posters -- we are an emerging democracy ourselves -- but this time we will open it up a little. This time KABOBfest commentators have a chance to vote on a new, proposed poster.
I received an e-mail application one "Paul Ruben" -- no not that one -- who claims to specialize in "Profitable Internet Marketing." Yes, I am a little suspicious that his e-mail was sent from an address with the name "Megan" in it, yet was signed by "Paul Robinette." Then again, it is not like we always get our names straight here.
He offered to help us with content writing, programming, and linking -- our current top three weak spots. He also says he can deliver KF 5 times as much traffic and get Google to give us a better web presence. I say we give him a shot. BUt this time, the readers will decide. Vote in the comments section, and please do not vote as "anonymous," since Paul Ruben/Megan/Paul Robinette could easily hijack this election (which would indeed make him an honorary Arab).
From: Paul Ruben
Sent: Monday, February 18, 2008 1:57:05 AM
Subject: Suggestion Re: kabobfest.com
Dear Website Owner,
If we could create 5 times the relevant traffic to your website wouldn’t you be interested? What if we could substantially reduce your pay per click spend as well?
We get top rankings for our clients on Google.
We are one of the leading SEO companies in the world. Our prices are much less than other firms. We have wonderful references.
We Specialize in:
1. Onsite Programming
2. Content Writing
3. Relevant Linking
Please call or email me and I’ll be happy to send you a proposal and a flash presentation explaining our methodology.
Sincerely,
Paul Robinette
VP Sales
National Positions
26500 W. Agoura Road
Suite 102-547
Calabasas, California 91302
You decide if we should invite him on.
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So, someone sets up a blog about things white people like one month ago, and already it is getting more hits than our blog, which is basically about what Arabs like. It just lists anti-white stereotypes such as their supposed affinity for natural medicine (which the Arabs invented), recycling, and coed sports.
Here at KABOBfest, we have been profiling what Arabs like (hating Israel, women, and your freedom) and what we do not (Israel, women, and your freedom) for years, yet they get more hits. It's fucking racist, man!!!! Damn this internet(s)!
On a more serious note, I like the 'Stuff White People Like' website, but it it is very classist. So far, it has only represented middle class and up affinities. What about the millions of working class and poor whites who get off on monster truck racing and motor sports, country music, and those hillbilly comedians. Also, what about non-American whites, like European and Australian crackers? Or Israeli Ashkenazis like Ehud Olmert? He likes Apartheid. That should make the list.
Anyways, kudos to that website. Please link us: White people like KABOBfest. That is why they always follow us wearing suits and dark sunglasses, and in their Chevy Caprices.
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For years Israel has touted Gazan cross-border smuggling operations as a method for Jew-thirsty Palestinians to acquire the weapons necessary to rid themselves of God's chosen people. Prior to Hamas' explosion of the border wall between Rafah and Egypt, most Palestinians relied on secret tunnels to obtain their sophisticated weaponry. Unfortunately, the media has always turned a blind eye to these smuggling operations, as secrets are often hard to prove.
However, the security wall is now (temporarily) down, and jihadists have become increasingly lax over the level of secrecy shrouding their smuggling operations. Below are just a few examples of the anti-Semitic contraband they've recently been able to acquire...
Camels!
Sheep!
Cows!
More Camels!
God, when will the camels end?
I hear this one can spit as far as five yards!
"Moo!"
God, please not a goat!
Look at the utters on that thing!
"Baaaa!"
And last, but certainly not least, a JACK ASS!
Clearly, Palestinians are an evil force that must be contained. Support the containment and suffocation of Gaza! Support an end to terror!
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In a recent letter to Zalmay Khalilzad, U.S. ambassador to the UN (read as: token-Muslim-appointee), NON-MUSLIM presidential hopeful Barack Obama wrote:
"I urge you to ensure that a Council resolution won't pass that does not 'fully condemn' the Qassam attacks on Israel… We all are worried about the consequences of the blockade on Palestinian families. Nonetheless, we must understand why Israel is forced to do this."
Other than just pandering to Jews, Obama is slated to sag his pants a bit lower this week, as well as serve as a Eucharistic Minister at Our Lady of Opprobrium church in Bandwagon, Idaho. Best of luck Osama Obama!
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According to the Pentagon, five Iranian Revolutionary Guard speedboats maneuvered in a provocative manner and dangerously close to three US navy ships in the straits of Hormuz, connecting the Persian Gulf to the Arabian Sea. The incident had the potential of escalating into a diplomatic crisis as the commander of the US ships nearly opened fire, and returned to mind memories of the Gulf of Tonkin Incident, which was manufactured to provide former president Lyndon B. Johnson with pretext for Viet Nam War, especially as it was followed by a video-slinging session of he said she said.
What do you think? We asked the KABOBforum to weigh in:
Fayyad: The Iranian ships approached the Americans in order to return several “gays” whom were recently found in Iran and President Ahmedinejad is convinced are American.
Nadeem: Never mind. A new assessment by American intelligence agencies concludes that this display of provocation actually occurred in 2003, and that since then Iran ’s sinister program of box-dropping has for the most part remained frozen. Needless to say, this contradicts assertions by the Bush camp that Tehran has been working relentlessly toward building a super mega giant anti-Semitic box since 2005.
Nimr: Ahmadinejad misread the secret memo from Bush. They are supposed to collude to start WW VI next month!
Chaim: Enough with the jokes; clearly the US ships are on the defensive here. The Iranian boats are the aggressors, coming to within three miles of US territorial waters. It’s not like those white boxes they dropped were make up presents.
Nabeel: The incident was blown out of proportion; US sailors are a little nervous and edgy, and reacted a little anxiously; they were between The Arabian Sea and The Persian Gulf for fuck’s sake. Might as well call it dire straits.
The BBC: Official media also reported the US statement about Iran's allegedly threatening behaviour with scepticism, implying that Washington was exaggerating the incident.
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The Arab-American Anti-Defamation League (AAADL) reported today that Americans views towards Arabs and Muslims have grown increasingly favorable over the past nine weeks.
AAADL president Mohammed Abdullah attributed the decline in hostility towards Arabs and Muslim to the lack of new content coming out of Hollywood. “Our public opinion surveys show that since those writers stopped their creative production and took to the streets to walk in circles Americans by and large have developed more favorable opinion of Arabs.”
According to the survey, only 73% of Americans do mind having an Arab neighbor now, compared to 89% who strongly objected to the suggestion when surveyed before the strike organized by the Writers’ Guild of America began on November 5th, 2007.
Jackson Sheehan, the author of “A Million Bad Arabs,” a book that thoroughly surveys anti-Arab bias in Hollywood movies agreed with the conclusion: “Even though the writers’ strike has resulted in a copious number of re-runs of Chuck Norris films and series, Arab-bashing in Hollywood is at an all time low at the moment.”
Sheehan credits current shows such as Sleeper Cell and 24 with unsurpassed levels of masterfully crafted loathing of Arabs and Muslims. “Making Arabs look shabby, dim-witted and get kicked in the face by Chuck Norris can go only so far in terms of generating hatred.” Sheehan added, “But the new shows seem to have that Department of Homeland Security stamp-type credibility. They add more complexity to the character of the Arab we must all hate and fear, he’s dumb, yet an evil master planner, dim-witted yet dangerous, uncivilized yet could be your neighbor, grimy yet could be your daughter’s boyfriend.”
Mr. Abdulla seemed to be at a loss of words when asked whether he wishes the strike continued indefinitely. “That would definitely go a long way towards the normalization of Arab Americans into the larger American society.” He said after a brief pause, “but I can’t wish for that, I know that Hollywood is of great entertainment and financial value to many Americans.”
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Chaim Sugarman, KABOBfest freelance investigator and 2008 US Presidential Candidate, sat in silence in his campaign headquarters/bedroom. As he followed the polls and chatter about today's Iowa Caucuses, he was surprised not to hear one mention of his bid to move rent-free into the White House in 2009.
Coming off his stunning victory in last year's World's Sexiest Anti-Zionist Contest, Sugarman assumed his candidacy would be a sure thing. He was so confident of his popularity, he did not even announce his candidacy to the people of Iowa, a state he has never even come close to visiting.
Sugarman's morale hit rock bottom today. He told KABOBfest, "not one media outlet mentioned me. I feel like such a shmegegge."
When informed that as an independent candidate, he would not be mentioned in coverage of party caucuses, he responded, "oh."
Whether this inspires Sugarman to re-double his efforts or continue to sit out the primary season remains to be seen.
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I'm not about to pretend to know who this KISER person is, but I must commend his/her/its new line of sweater/kuffiyah combinations as a breathtaking example of the entrepreneurial spirit, this time into the niche(?) market of the lazy. Not since the invention of the remote control, ladies and gentlemen...
The company's next move, KABOBfest's very own fashion critic/market research fellow at the Forbes Center for the Adoring of the Filthy Rich, Chaim Sugarman, reports, is to take a page from folks at Arm and Hammer baking soda by attempting to convince a wider audience of the sweater/kuffiyah combination's varied utility.
Currently, a small section of the sales force is considering ways to sensitively market the new product to those among us who were never allowed to play video games in our youth thus lack the proper eye-hand coordination to tie such scarves.
A larger part of the sales team, however, is focused on a new collection of advertisments set to launch this fall, targeting those of us who know how to tie keffiyahs, thank you very much, but are desperately seeking to save thirteen seconds each morning when getting dressed to go to work by not having to tie said kaffiyahs. When the aggregate is reflected in next year's tax returns, these workers/consumers will face only one dilemma: what does one buy with their extra $86? In a written statement, KISER has promised to help them figure this out.
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I guess it’s finally time to come clean about who Quiqui really is. We tried to keep this shit under wraps cause its like one of those awkward things where everyone knows what the deal is, but everyone’s too freaked out to say it out loud - cause that would make it too fucking real.
At first we figured her for one those slutty anti-Zionist activist groupies (you know who we’re talking about, EMILY) whose got a thing for pissing off daddy with some huge A-rab cock (sorry brovazzz, ya’ll iz so pre-2001). But then – only two weeks into her KABOBdomhood – she drops the mother freakin’ Jew card on our semi-private listserv (Omar, seriously what the fuck are you still doing on it?). Can you believe that shit?
So what do you say to something as eff-ed up as that? It’s like when your mom catches you jerking off to a copy of her February issue of Martha Stewart Living. You both know what happened, but ain’t anyone ever saying shit about it.
Needless to say, we remained silent. Another Jew on KABOBfest? What is this Hollywood? No one mentioned a thing about THE THING. But soon we began to get freaked out. True to her nature, she slowly, but surely, began taking over everything wonderful about KABOBfest and declaring it her own. It started with her labeling us all Sodomites, occupying Will’s awesome Christmas-theme site design (not that we’re saying she’s anti-baby Jesus Cristo), and then converting our new look into something resembling a mishmash of milk and honey. What more? She flirted her way to the top of the KABOBchain and demanded Will make her an administrator – thus establishing a de facto checkpoint for all our thoughts (and Fayyad’s anti-spell check activism).
Ok, so as I type this… Quiqui’s sleeping over my house cause she’s hell bent on stealing my virginity. I won’t let her though, cause I’m saving myself for my fourth wife (she’s 14 next week, happy birthday habeebty!!). So like any man in my position would do, I obviously waited for her to fall asleep before rummaging through her duffle bag to find a decent pair of panties to sniff. And when I did, I came across this crazy ass manifesto for Sephardic-cyber domination:
Protocol of Zion XXV: Blogger Infiltration
1. I pass now to the second lit candle on this the first night of Chanukah
2. The Queen's plan of action for the current moment, and all the more so for the future, will be unknown, even to those who are called her closest KABOBers – at the current moment, this be the toothy grinned Russian.
3. The Queen of the Jews must not be at the mercy of her passions, and especially of sensuality: on no side of her character must she give brute instincts power over her mind. – unless, of course, it means flirting with the man made of iron who pretends to run this blog.
Signed by Quiqui, the representative of Zion, of the 69th Degree
WTF does this even mean?!?!?!?!?!?!? Peep this ritualistic photo that the hidden camera I installed over my bed last week to prepare for May’s immanent visit captured of Quiqui doing right before I put her Jew/Arab/Guatemalan/American/Spanish/Black-from-the-back ass to sleep.
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Note: Quiqui contributed (actually she wrote the bulk) of the above post and was not harmed in the taking of the photograph. Happy Chanukah! (we finally figured out how to light this thing!)[tarboush tip: the people's republic of MADE IN CHINA for the lovely menorah]
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Seeing as the "Kuffiya Kraze" has become a "hot topic" on KABOBfest, I suppose that it's only fitting Hot Topic starts selling them...
Oh, you don't know what Hot Topic is? It's that really hip anti-hipster store in all the major malls that commercializes Goth to the point where high school freaks have begun wearing ordinary people clothes just to stand out.
Oh, and Hot Topic has, by far, the most intriguing description of the kuffiya yet:
This white scarf features green various sized stripes.
Woah! So THAT'S what it's all about!! To think, all this time I thought it carried some sort of cultural and/or political significance. Silly me... it just has "varioius sized stripes."
Seriously, I had no idea that when my grandfather gave me the red n' white kuffiya he wore while serving in the Jordanian military sixty-eight years ago that he was actually asking me to go Goth! Hell, I think I'll end this post early and go paint my fingernails black or something...
[Tarboush Tip: Nabeel]---EDITOR'S NOTE---
Pssst! Nadeem and other KABOBers: please refer to the KABOBstyle Guide when referencing the contested spellings of the keffiyah. Or keffiyeh. Or kuffiyah. I mean, kufiya. Wait -- hatta. Or sometimes shemagh. And often Osama. And most recently, Obama.
According to the KABOBstyle Guide: spell it a bunch of different ways in each post to increase search engine returns!
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