1. Watch the Access of Evil Comedy Tour! Nothing can cheer you up faster than realizing that all you need is an hour or so of overdone and repetitive airport jokes to make it big in comedy. As a Muslim anyway.
2. Watch the extended version of Kingdom of Heaven. Murderous Christian savages and Salahuddin! Two thingsembedded in the collective consciousness of all Muslims reminding us constantly that we can be pretty awesome.
3. Buy cheap. The day after Christmas, go to your closest big box store and pick up those Christmas-branded chocolates and merchandise for 30% off. But watch out for the alcohol-filled ones. They taste bitter.
4. Be happy you’re not stuck in the mall. Looking for a parking spot is a lot harder than finding a spot to place your shoes at the Friday prayer service.
5. Indulge in European soccer, as the Europeans are Godless heathens and don’t believe in taking time off from kicking their balls to celebrate the birth and sacrifice of our savior Steve Jobs.
6. Join your Jewish cousins at the nearest Chinese food restaurant and enjoy a serving or six of General Tsao’s Chicken. This is the one time of the year you all can put land and ethnic cleansing disputes aside and gush over sweet and sour sauce.
7. Deck the Halls with Kuftah Balls. And by ‘Halls’ we mean your big pots.
8. Christmas is one of the few times Christians feel they have earned the right to ask odd questions, so if you can endure the occasional ”How come y’all don’t b-leeve in Jaysus?” or disruptively drunk co-worker, join a Christmas Eve party.
9. Help reinforce negative stereotypes for future generations! Bust out your hookah and play a round of Tarneeb with your unshaven, loud-talking young buddies. If you’re a lady, just sit and gossip with your equally unshaven buddies.
10. Santa’s got nothing on you, Muslim man: you are both fat, both have beards and both draw stares from little kids and TSA screeners. Santa has his lists and you are on a no fly list. Time to re-think our differences?

[Tarboush Tip: Sana, Kellee]

I never thought about Santa Claus having so much in common with the world’s number one terrorist. After all, there was news of some wannabe terrorist wanting to blow up a Christmas tree. But it only took me a few minutes to come up with a list of things those two figures have in common. So in the Spirit of Christmas and increased terrorist activities, I present this list of commonalities.

1. They both appeal to the young ones and promise to reward them with things if they cooperate, or punish them if they do not.
2. The both appear at a special time of the year and make their presence known.
3. Some people go to great lengths to take their pictures.
4. Some people debate their existence.
5. The scope of their work and its effectiveness is debated.
6. Some people take them to be religious figures.
7. They both indulge in guilty pleasures: cookies for Santa and Whitney Houston for Osama.
8. They are both operate in the dark when you are asleep.
9. They live faraway in a place we never even knew existed.
10. They both star in publications, including movies, music posters, and books.
11. They have a loyal army of workers who are as committed and dedicated as they are, blindly supported and rarely questioned.
12. Both tracked by NORAD.
13. Some countries ban their image.
14. They both sport beards.
15. They both ship packages.
16. They both have blacklists.
17. Both figures are used by superior powers to achieve a higher agenda.
18. They both wear head gear.
19. Both are associated with flying objects and flying into buildings.
20. Controversial endorsement, some think neither should appear on merchandise.
21. They both have established global franchises and both outsource.
22. They both have mysterious sources of funding and operation. No one ever audits their books. And
23. The only way to get to where they live is on the back of animals.

[Tarboush Tip: Kellee K, and Suneela Mubayi]

By Mahmoud El-Yousseph
17 January, 2010

There aren’t too many people who don’t remember Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas, also known as “The Grinch.” It was a 2000 American film starring Jim Carey based on the 1957 book of the same name by Dr. Seuss. For four weeks it sat as the #1 film in the U.S., eventually earning $260 million at the US box office and breaking the 2007 Guinness World Record for Highest-Grossing Christmas Movie.

At the same time, I bet there are very few American who’ve heard the story of the Muslim cabbie who saved Christmas. It is another heartwarming but true Christmas story that took place last year on Christmas eve that is worthy of being made into a film for its profound effect. This was a story about honesty, integrity, ethics, and human decency, yet those who heard about, knew very little about the honest cabbie or where he came from.

It began with an Italian traveler, Felicia Lettieri, a 72 year old grandmother along with 6 members of her family who took two cabs from midtown Manhatten on Christmas eve. Mrs. Letterie left her purse and a hand bag in one of the cabs. Inside her bag was over $21,000 of the group’s traveling money, expensive jewelry, and some of group’s passports. After realizing she had lost this great fortune, she went to the police who told her “not to get her hopes up.” Her family echoed these sentiments, telling her that “this is New York. Forget about it. You have lost everything.”

Not so quick! The cab driver was a medical student from Queens, N.Y. who took a job few days a week driving a taxi after his hours were cut back at his former job. When he found the purse, he looked for contact information. Seeing the rolls of euros, nevertheless he never bothered even counting the money. He finally found the address and then asked a friend of his with a car to drive him 60 miles one way to Patchogue. When he got there, no one was home. He left his cell phone number with a note “Mrs. Letterie, don’t worry about your money, it is safe.”

After he left home to Queens, his phone rang, and it was Mrs. Lettieri, he then drove back again another 60 miles and returned all the lost items, refused to accept the reward offered him and returned back home, having driven a total of 240 miles, all for this one woman he did not know.

When asked by a reporter if he was tempted to keep the cash, he answered, “I am needy, but not greedy.” adding that when he was five, his mother told him, “be honest, work hard, you will raise your status.”

This man is precisely the type of person you want as your physician. He clearly is a man of enormous ethics and high moral principles. He has given us all a gift by his actions and integrity
.
Mrs. Lettierei’s sister, Francesca, 79, said, the honest cabbie had saved her family’s Christmas vacation. adding, “we really love what he did.”

Oh yes, I all most forgot to mention, the cabbie is Mohammad “Mukul” Asaduzzaman, 28 years old and a native of Bangladesh. Many newspapers that published this story omitted his first name for some odd reason with the exception of AP wire service. Other daily papers ignored other ‘bothersome’ facts, such as his country of origin and that he was a Muslim, thereby denying American Muslims like me a moment of pride.

No one can forget the panic and hysteria created in America and all over the world as a result of the failed Christmas bombing aboard flight 253. In contrast, the message of this Muslim medical student story is very clear–namely that these are the kind of stories we need to hear more! Real people, honest, hard working, not politicians and religious fanatics as representative of American Muslims
.
Mahmoud El-Yousseph
Retired USAF Veteran
elyousseph6@yahoo.com

[Image source Mahjoob]

This might be unusual request coming from someone who is a Muslim, but the fact I have few things on my mind.

Could you please swing by Palestine, and in particular to a place called Gaza this year. It is not too far from Bethlehem, the birthplace of Jesus, who is ‘the reason for the season’. There are 1.5 million people who are starving there in Gaza and have been under siege from air, sea, and ground for almost three years. You may ask what is the reason for that? Those people wanted to be free and independent just like us here in America.

Over 51% of the population is under the age of 15. Among those people are solid 3,000 Christians also. Statistically speaking, there should be about 1,500 of their Christian children who will not be having a merry Christmas this year for lack of basic necessities to survive such as food, water, fuel, and medicine. Animals are in a worse shape than humans in Gaza. There is no grass or animal feeds left in Gaza. Parents and children alike are dying daily because they are unable to get medical attention inside or outside Gaza due to the blockade. The U.N. is no longer able to deliver food anymore because of border closings, and has also warned of impending human disaster..

The children of Gaza do not need toys or video games as they do in other parts of the ‘Cristian’ world, so I suggest the following:

Baby formula

Bottled water

Candles

Vitamin supplement. I heard many suffer from severe malnutrition

Clothing and toiletry

Batteries (all sizes)

Hearing aids for children

Animal feeds. I heard that a local pet store here is having a great bargain, buy one get one free!

Meal Ready to Eat [MRE]. The same kind used by the military.

No need for desert, there is one inside the MRE package. However, if there is some ginger bread man on special, I recommend taking several boxes. I am sure the children will enjoy it and will talk about it for years to come.

Thank you in advance. Have a safe trip. May Allah [God in Arabic] be with you, and as you would say; Ho, ho, ho.

Sincerely,

Mahmoud El-Yousseph

elyousseph6@yahoo.com

originally published on the Ugly Truth

P.S. Ray Hanania, Merry Christmas

Un-Merry Christmas for me!
What is going on?

“Hello is this the Christmas Help Line?”

I really want to know
What’s going on?

Nahida Izzat
Exiled Palestinian
30-09-2006

(c) 2006 by Nahida Izzat, an exiled Palestinian

[Tarboush Tip: Mahmoud El-Yousseph]

Hello Nicholas,

It took me a while to consider sending you this email, but I feel I need to speak to someone. I am sure you heard of the recent survey conducted in five elementary schools in Israel and five other schools in the Occupied Palestinian Territories, the findings of the survey came as surprise in light of both of our hard work to bring joy.

When I read that 85 percent of Israeli school children do not believe in me, compared with 75 percent of children in Palestine do not believe in you, I feel unloved.

What shall I tell Mrs. Clause?

Remind me again why do we do this?

Father Christmas.

From: Santa Clause Palestine
Date: Monday December 7 2009 2:25pm
To: Santa Clause Israel
Subject: Re Situation on the Ground

Hello Nicholas,

It’s a bumper about the survey finding, but do not let that get to you. I think it’s a knee slapper that the survey also found that 79 percent of Palestinian school children think my red suit makes me a member of the Palestinian Popular Front Movement.

Nick, I think it was 55 percent of Palestinian school children associate me with the UNRWA, as a deliver presents in time of Christmas. I don’t get a check from these guys; my presents are not foreign aid. It’s to spread joy to the little ones. So, keep your head high … LOL … HO HO HO

Regards,

Santa.

From: Santa Clause Israel
Date: Monday December 7 2009 3:19pm
To: Santa Clause Palestine
Subject: Re Re Situation on the Ground

Thanks ole’ boy, it just gets frustrating when I read things like 89 percent of the Israeli school children do not believe I come from the North. Because they think nothing good has ever come from Israel northern borders.

I am trying to be calm, but when I read the news and about beating of Santa last week in Tel-Aviv mall and the few Russian Jews are not feeling the Christmas spirit.

Sometimes, I think, let them have their Hanukkah and candle lights and cash gifts (gelt) The North Pole is working at capacity anyway.

Saint Nicolas.

From: Santa Clause Palestine
Date: Monday December 7 2009 4:00pm
To: Santa Clause Israel
Subject: Re Re Re Situation on the Ground

Hold your reindeers Saint Nicolas, last night the Israeli military arrested one of my guys for protesting. Remember, you only have to worry about the nice Israeli boys, the naughty ones get sent to the West Bank.

Every night here we celebrate Hanukkah with the candle light as the power goes off frequently. Listen kids here also like cash, just like their cousins over where you are, return policies are kind of non-existent over here.

But that does not mean we ought to give up, did Will Farrell give up when he was an Elf? Answer is no!

Speaking of Hanukkah, did you know that olive oil has a special meaning in the Hanukkah celebration? Maybe you can give those little kids in Israel some olive oil bottles in their stuffing to kill two birds with one stone.

One more thing Santa, I am stuck in Gaza and cannot find parts to fix my sleigh, can you hook a Santa up? And my reindeers love pasta but I can’t seem to find any here.

Father Christmas.

From: Santa Clause Israel
Date: Monday December 7 2009 5:19pm
To: Santa Clause Palestine
Subject: Re Re Re Re Situation on the Ground

Father Christmas,

Yeah, just send me what you need, maybe I can fly over, thanks for your support really.
Yeah actually, I knew about the Hanukkah “Miracle of Oil” thing.

I guess I cannot just leave my post here in Israel that will give a bad signal that there are no good boys over here that might be a bad PR move on the North Pole’s part.

BTW, do kids in Palestine make their cookies with date or nuts?

Santa.

From: Santa Clause Palestine
Date: Monday December 7 2009 5:30pm
To: Santa Clause Israel
Subject: Re Re Re Re Re Situation on the Ground

Saint Nicolas,

That’s my Santa; way to be mature about this (BTW, when is your birthday?) I advise you against flying over, the military might shoot you sleigh down and then we both are stuck; we cannot spread joy if we are both stuck. Instead use the tunnels to get me the needed parts, I know a guy.

Did you say miracle of Oil? Isn’t that Saudi Arabia? Anyhow,

I think this little kid just called me Hajj; I am no Hajj for crying out loud since I was banned from Saudi Arabia.

P.S. The kids here leave me Baklava
P.P.S. Homes here do not have chimneys, I feel bad, but many of the homes have blast-holes from last year when the military went and destroyed all the joy I built up.

Originally posted at DivineCaroline.com

[Tarboush Tip: Will]