Ray Hanania has added a new gig to his long and bizarre list of failed career attempts: Reality TV Show Host.

In a self-published press release, in which Ray Hanania talks about himself in third person, he writes: “The program will feature celebrity judges and chefs. The chefs will bring in their favorite recipes and serve them to the judges for review and commentary.”

Now that’s an original idea!

The show, titled “Star Chef Chicagoland,” will be filmed in the kitchen of 94 West Steak and Seafood – an otherwise reputable establishment. Sensing that something fishy might be going on, KABOBfest dispatched its resident taste tester, Chaim Sugarman, to the scene. What he discovered is, in true Ray Hanania fashion, awfully disturbing.

“This is just another attempt to help Zionists steal Arab recipes and dishes,” said Bandar Zalatimo, great grandson of world renowned Palestinian pastry chef Mohammed Zalatimo. “C’mon Ray, leave our food alone!”

Zalatimo is referring to the ongoing hummus war being waged between Israel and Lebanon. To date, Lebanon holds the record for the world’s largest dish of Hummus. Israel, however, has claimed the plate as its national dish and markets it throughout the United States as an Israeli delicacy.

Not everyone, however, is angry with Ray. “Cut the man some slack,” said J. Jonah Jameson – Ray Hanania’s boss at the Daily Bugle. “His career isn’t going too well right now and he needs the free meal.”

Still, not everyone pities Ray Hanania. Yousef Ayoub, a Professor of Political Science at the University of Michigan, says that “Star Chef Chicagoland” is a bizarre form of political maneuvering.

“This is unprecedented. Never in the history of civilization has a man gone from presidential candidate to hosting a cooking show!” Professor Ayoub is referring to Ray Hanania’s unsuccessful run for the position of president of Palestine.

Professor Ayoub continues: “Read between the lines folks. The first episode of the show will air May 28^th – which is the same date in 1964 that the PLO was officially formed. Hanania is trying to send us a message!”

But what message is that?

A spokesperson for Ray Hanania told Chaim Sugarman: “Ray’s new show has a larger purpose than food. He wants to show the world that Arabs can use knives for peaceful purposes. He’s an Arab who married a Jewish woman. He knows civility. What he wants to do is transfer his acquired knowledge to the barbaric Arabs.”

How’s that for an explanation?

[Tarboush Tip: Programmer Buydatti, Fayyad]

Well… except for one.

Ray Hanania — the “award winning” columnist, standup comedian and self-nominated Palestinian presidential candidate — has been non-stop hating on America’s new Shiite sweetheart since her highly-publicized request for a slice of halal pizza.

Both of Ray Hanania’s Twitter followers will recall that Ray Hanania recently attempted (and failed) to urge the U.S. Census Bureau to include “Arab” as a race on its 2010 census forms. He’s also fresh off the heels of launching an offensive campaign to urge Palestinians to stop referring to the ethnic cleansing of their land in 1948 as “Al-Nakba” (the catastrophe) because it hurts the feelings of Israelis.

Now Ray Hanania is taking aim at Rima Fakih.

“Rima is lovely”, Ray Hanania said, “but I’m not so sure that choosing a Shiite Muslim to represent America in the Miss Universe pageant sends the right message to our allies.”

Ray Hanania continued, “At this time, our politicians and army generals are flirting with the idea of attacking Iran, the only Middle Eastern country with a Shiite majority. How can our propaganda machine succeed in convincing people that Shiites are evil, while drawing attention to how beautiful they could be?” It wasn’t clear whether the politicians and army generals Hanania mentioned are American or Israeli.

According to Ray Hanania, “It is an issue of national security that Rima Fakih be stripped of her title.” In fact, he claims to have photographic evidence that she once walked through a Lebanese village where a Hezbollah sympathizer runs a local cupcake bakery. “That alone,” he says, “proves that she’s with them and against us.”

Ayman Bazi, a moderator for the Arab Dearborn group on Facebook, dismissed Hanania’s allegations. “Basically, Ray is like a she-male prostitute,” he said. “The difference is that the more the prostitute shows you, the sexier she seems. But the more Ray shows you, the more you want to puke.” Ayman concluded with, “Eat your heart out Ray Hanania, Dearborn has Shatila Sweets and America’s sweetheart, what does Chicago have? Corrupt politicians??”

When asked about his own religious beliefs, Ray Hanania gave this answer, “The Miss USA pageant could do with a more consistent policy on Iran.” In other words, he’s a money worshiping clown with Uncle Tom syndrome.

Ray Hanania, Debbie does Dallas and Daniel Crack Pipes will be holding a press conference to argue that what happens in Vegas –where the Beauty pageant was held — must indeed stay in Vegas.

For more on Ray Hanania, join the Facebook group: RAy HAnaNia is so NOT funNy! OKAY??!!?

[Tarboush Tip: Programmer Buydatti]

1. Posing as a fake Arab with a very traditional Arab name, then making the most racist and bizarre comments about Israel. A popular technique used is to pose as a self-hating Arab and use that persona to unload your racist and inferiority complex driven insults.

2. Logging in under your real name to reply to the faux Arab comments to make your lousy points and half-baked ideas look normal in light of the faux Arab comments that you doctored, essentially you are having an argument with yourself. Also leave 1,423,524,523,456,234,543 comments under different names so that it seems as if there’s widespread support for your bigoted point of view.

3. Spread pathological lies that only you and a few insane activists hold dear… like how the Arabs need to apologize for the holocaust. Sure, the Palestinians in Gaza can just teleport themselves to the West Bank.

4. Spike up your online comments with links to obscure subjects like how Palestinians do not believe in Santa while keeping Santa locked in your basement.

5. When you run out of lies and bogus arguments, you hijack the comment section by talking about outlandish topics that have no substance or relevance to the topic discussed. Favorite subjects to talk about include your fetish for hijab-wearing Muslim women.

6. Quote your favorite Arab commentators who prostitute themselves to make your point. Endorsing this person by saying this is an Arab I’d like to have for a neighbor. This is the equivalent of “I am not racist, I have a black friend.”

7. Treat the bible like a real estate document, while mocking it in private. Also, you speak of the Koran as if all Muslims have read it and interpret it the way you do.

8. Make up a bad ass virtual ID/name to compensate for your small circumcised dip stick.

9. Pretend that after the UN issued the partition plan of 1947 it went out of business. In other words, cherry pick your arguments.

10. Come up with labels for anyone you do not see things eye to eye with. Favorites: anti-Semite, Nazi, communist, fascist, appeaser, and terrorist.

11. You use fancy English to make up for unsound arguments. You use dirty words in Arabic, referring to contributors’ mothers in derogatory ways, as if the insult you levy against them is somehow harsher in their native tongue.

Bonus

You justify the occupation of Gaza and the West Bank by calling attention to Palestinian “suicide bombings” — despite the fact that the occupation of those territories started in 1967, and the first bombing didn’t occur until 1993. (By the way, when was the last bombing?)

[Tarboush Tip: Programmer Buydatti]

The question is, who’d you rather?…

As reported by the AFP:

Israel’s foot soldiers are getting new odour-free socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling or stinking up the feet, the Maariv daily reported on Thursday.

“It may sound ridiculous… but this is a very important issue that causes many problems during training,” the newspaper quoted Brigadier General Nissim Peretz, the commander of the Israeli military’s logistics division, as saying.

The socks, which will be distributed to all new infantry recruits beginning in March, also prevent athlete’s foot — “a nuisance with which every soldier is very familiar,” the paper said.

The fabric includes metal components to keep bad odours and fungal infections at bay, it said.

On behalf of the Palestinian people, Shalom Fayyad has reportedly called for “an apology in principle” from the Israeli government for 62 years of mischaracterization as “stinky Arabs.” The Turkish government is mediating the high-level talks surrounding the issue.

Hanania, the WWF-appointed spokesperson and mascot of the movement, stated: “Jackasses, like me, are a dying breed. All my life I’ve worked hard to become a world-class jackass, and now – after I’ve made it – we’re almost extinct. Worst of all, no one seems to care. Not even Al Gore is paying attention!”

He continued, “I won’t rest until I revive the species. I’m as passionate about being a jackass as Angelina Jolie is about adopting third-world babies!”

Carter Roberts, president of the WWF, explained his organization’s support of Hanania’s initiative: “We first approached Governor Rod Blagojevich since he’s a nationally recognized jackass. He declined, but referred us to Mr. Hanania, another Chicago native. After running a thorough background search on him, we decided Ray’s the best guy for the job.”

Still, not everyone is happy about Hanania’s appointment.

Injured Chicago Bears player Israel Idonije argued that Hanania’s allegiance should be to his ailing team – not jackasses. “This is a ludicrous idea from a very unfunny man,” said Idonije. “As a resident of Chicago, Ray should be more focused on helping the Bears improve our horrible team performance – not jackasses!”

Hanania, however, dismissed the criticism. “Look, I would love to help,” he said. “But I’d rather stick to things I know a lot about.”

[Tarboush Tip: Programmer Buydatti]

Of course, it’s even got its own facebook profile.

[Tarboush Tip: Haneen]

Low and behold even George Costanza has chimed in with a proposed roadmap to peace: comedy.

While addressing a crowd in occupied Jerusalem, he likened the failures and successes of the hit sitcom Seinfeld to the Israeli-Palestinian peace process.

“[J]ust as the show managed to bounce back with comedy…a solution might be found for Mideast troubles if people write and laugh with one another,” paraphrased Ha’aretz (censored).

In all fairness, using laughter as a means for achieving peace between Israelis and Palestinians is not a new idea. In fact, the originator of this bold, ground-breaking concept is none other than Ray Hanania – award winning journalist, standup comedian, author, activist, taxi cab driver, actor, blogger, runway model, scientologist, cake baker, balloon artist, crocodile wrangler, pet detective, chimney sweeper, rodeo clown, adult store attendant, Braille translator and Palestinian spokesperson extraordinaire.

But back to comedians that really matter…

Costanza, a.k.a. Jason Alexander, is the founder of Imagine: 2018 – an initiative that, according to its site, aims to “inspire Israelis and Palestinians to visualize what the region would look like in 10 years if a peace agreement were to be signed in 2008.”

Considering that it’s now June of ’09, I guess we’ll never know.

Of course, Imagine 2018 defines “peace agreement” as “a mutually-acceptable two state agreement.” Asking Israelis and Palestinians to “visualize” any other solution would be blasphemy, right?

Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Binational State. Binational State who? BI-FUCKING-NATIONAL STATE!

But I digress.

After all, there is some positivity here: At least Imagine 2018 isn’t pulling an Ibish by defining for us what is or isn’t “mutually-acceptable.”

In an effort to spread the word on their initiative, Imagine 2018 asked 50 high schoolers from each side of the conflict to submit their thoughts on what the region would look like in 2018 if peace is agreed upon in 2008 – in essay form, double spaced, font size 12, Times New Roman, yada yada yada.

The stories were then compiled into a book. Two were even turned into short films.

Ha’aretz (censored) continues:

“He [Alexander] praised the young writers for bridging the gap between their cultures with comedy, such as a scene from one of the films in which an Israeli soldier and a Palestinian boy point guns at each other with murderous expressions only to laugh and squirt water from the guns a moment later and then to use them as mock cell phones.”

Laughing? Here’s another “funny” video: Israel & Palestine to co-host World Cup in 2018?

How about now? Huh? Are ya? Are ya? Huh?

I’m not.

In fact, I’m insulted that anyone would find anything funny about colonialism, racism or occupation.

There’s a giant wall splitting your land in two and cutting you off from your livelihood? THAT’S HILARIOUS!

Furthermore, it’s stupid and dangerous to pit Israelis and Palestinians as equals in this conflict and reduce it to something as asinine as not understanding each other.

Believe me Netanyahu understands exactly what it is Palestinians are struggling for. If he didn’t, he couldn’t have so eloquently crushed any hope for peace in his speech last week.

Imagine 2018? Let Israelis first come to term with how their state was created and what it’s done up until now to destroy any hope for peace. Then we can talk… and possibly even joke and laugh.

Until then, Imagine 1948 – 2009.

]]> http://www.kabobfest.com/2009/06/occupation%e2%80%a6-not-that-there%e2%80%99s-anything-wrong-with-it.html/feed 16 http://www.kabobfest.com/2009/06/not-breaking-news-rev-jeremiah-wright-is-an-anti-zionist.html http://www.kabobfest.com/2009/06/not-breaking-news-rev-jeremiah-wright-is-an-anti-zionist.html#comments Thu, 11 Jun 2009 19:17:28 +0000 Programmer Buydatti http://www.kabobfest.com/?p=4210 Quite possibly also an anti-Semite, but I guess you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Barack Obama’s controversial “former” pastor recently told the Daily Press of Newport News, Virginia that Jews are preventing him from talking to Obama.

“Them Jews ain’t going to let him talk to me,” said Wright.

He didn’t clarify which Jews are preventing him from talking to Obama or what else they’ve barred him from doing. (If any Jews are reading this, please stop him from striking any more wacky bird poses, thanks!)

A follow up interview with them blacks who attend Chicago’s Trinity United Church of Christ resulted in many congregation members “slapping the white” off my ass.

On a positive note, Wright did chastise Obama for not sending a U.S. delegation to Durban II, the United Nations World Conference on Racism held recently in Geneva, Switzerland. However, this time he blamed Zionists.

“Ethnic cleansing is going on in Gaza. Ethnic cleansing [by] the Zionist is a sin and a crime against humanity, and they don’t want Barack talking like that because that’s anti-Israel,” Wright said.

Clearly Rev. Jeremiah Wright is conflating Jews with Zionists, which obstructs his message and doesn’t do anyone good. While I don’t give two craps whether or not Wright is an anti-Zionist or not, the whole Rev. Wright phenomenon does serve as a good lesson on how NOT to package your message.

[Tarboush Tip: Chaim, where are you? Turn yourself in already!]

Haaretz (censored)

The error (?) was noticed by Israel ’s consul general in Los Angeles , Yeki “Eagle Eyes” Dayan, as he boarded a plane to occupied Palestine .

Apologizing for the anti-Semitic oversight, El Al released a statement that read: “As soon as the Foreign Ministry approached us we withdrew those maps and ordered new ones.”

Some, however, believe that the airline company has not gone far enough in its attempt to set the record straight. The folks at KABOBfest, for instance, have been left dismayed and distraught by El Al’s absurd characterization of Israel ’s unilateral and illegal declaration of borders as merely a “security fence.”

As such, we’ve compiled a list of more accurate descriptions for El Al to use on its new maps:

1. “Star of the film, Lemon Tree” – Will
2. “Knee-high Holocaust-prevention cherry-flavored clothesline” – Fadi
3. “Mental barrier” – Fayyad
4. “One huge and giant Slim Jim” – Chaim
5. “100 Yards of CVS Brand Unwaxed Fluoride Dental Floss” – Programmer Buydatti
6. “White picket fence” – Mohammad
7. “Post-modern structuralist interpretation of the Facebook wall” – Sana
8. “Run-proof mosquito net” – Nawal

Feel free to use the comments section to add your suggestions to the list.