1. Watch the Access of Evil Comedy Tour! Nothing can cheer you up faster than realizing that all you need is an hour or so of overdone and repetitive airport jokes to make it big in comedy. As a Muslim anyway.
2. Watch the extended version of Kingdom of Heaven. Murderous Christian savages and Salahuddin! Two thingsembedded in the collective consciousness of all Muslims reminding us constantly that we can be pretty awesome.
3. Buy cheap. The day after Christmas, go to your closest big box store and pick up those Christmas-branded chocolates and merchandise for 30% off. But watch out for the alcohol-filled ones. They taste bitter.
4. Be happy you’re not stuck in the mall. Looking for a parking spot is a lot harder than finding a spot to place your shoes at the Friday prayer service.
5. Indulge in European soccer, as the Europeans are Godless heathens and don’t believe in taking time off from kicking their balls to celebrate the birth and sacrifice of our savior Steve Jobs.
6. Join your Jewish cousins at the nearest Chinese food restaurant and enjoy a serving or six of General Tsao’s Chicken. This is the one time of the year you all can put land and ethnic cleansing disputes aside and gush over sweet and sour sauce.
7. Deck the Halls with Kuftah Balls. And by ‘Halls’ we mean your big pots.
8. Christmas is one of the few times Christians feel they have earned the right to ask odd questions, so if you can endure the occasional ”How come y’all don’t b-leeve in Jaysus?” or disruptively drunk co-worker, join a Christmas Eve party.
9. Help reinforce negative stereotypes for future generations! Bust out your hookah and play a round of Tarneeb with your unshaven, loud-talking young buddies. If you’re a lady, just sit and gossip with your equally unshaven buddies.
10. Santa’s got nothing on you, Muslim man: you are both fat, both have beards and both draw stares from little kids and TSA screeners. Santa has his lists and you are on a no fly list. Time to re-think our differences?

[Tarboush Tip: Sana, Kellee]

1. Your DJ/Singer is also your Limo driver
2. Everyone on the invite list has creative ways of describing how they relate to you.
3. If they are your offspring, then they are fit–everyone one else is either fat or too thin.
4. How come all the cloth napkins end up on the dance floor?
5. There can be only one black guy, two Latinas and no Asians.
6. The only time all Arab men in a 20-mile radius have no five o’clock shadow.
7. The groom can never be the best-dressed man–all other men try to outshine him.
8. Arab weddings and nuts go hand in hand. They are your main dish, your dessert and seated to your right.
9. Everyone finds something to complain about to the bride and the groom during the wedding. No, they do not want to hear about your fad diet.
10. No tents at this wedding; a UNRWA tent is where my family lived before they found their way to America.
11. Everyone is a fortuneteller.
12. Debt is no reason not to have a 10 tier cake that will be cut with a 4 ft. knife, also commonly referred to as a ‘sword’.
13. Americans have Halloween to channel their inner whores, we get Arab weddings.
14. Forget Arab lounge dot com–spice up your profile at these events.
15. Girls have all the fun and guys just stand there looking like they were just handed a detonator for an atomic bomb. Although it’s fun to mention how Arab guys do that dance with the hands up, snapping fingers and then cornering a girl in the middle of the dance floor
16. Everyone asking for free professional advice. If you are a lawyer, then other guests ask you about immigration. “Doctor, can I show you my rash?” Dentist? They’ll all show you their cavities. Gynecologist? The bathroom is that way. Just make sure the hedges are trimmed
17. No need for a smoke machine, just ask everyone to please Bring Your Own Hookah (BYOH).
18. No one fornicates, instead interested parties send their mommies to audit your body at an awfully close range.

[Tarboush Tip: Sana, Kellee]

“If only we had Al Jazeera during Sabra and Shatila” – says a revived Sharon. 

Just days after former US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld performed a remarkable u-turn by praising Al Jazeera, a network whose reporting he had previously labelled “vicious, inaccurate and inexcusable”, former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, who recently regained consciousness, has showered more praise on the network.

While Rumsfeld said he was “delighted” with what the network was doing, by calling the Qatari-owned organization an “important means of communication in the world… and I am delighted you are doing what you are doing” – Sharon has compared the network’s resurgence to his own recovery from a coma.

Speaking to Al Jazeera’s Sir David Frost on the flagship program “Frost Over The World”, Sharon said, “Some people tell me regaining consciousness is a miracle. But I tell you David, Sir David, the real miracle here is Al Jazeera.”

Sharon suffered from a stroke in early 2005 and remained in a coma for over 6 years, with most doctors having written off his chances of ever recovering.

OM NOM NOM NOM!

“David, I have a lot of catching up to do of course, now that my body has come back to life again. I was happy to hear that Ehud [Olmert] took over from me, and even happier when I heard Bibi [Netanyahu] took over from him. But David, Sir David, although the doctors said I was in ‘persistent vegetative state’ – I had a certain level of consciousness…and would you believe it? I could hear and see some of your station’s programs on good days. They leave it on at the clinic. Sometimes your coverage was the only thing willing me through the dark days. I couldn’t wait to come back to life and try my hand at some new military tactics knowing that your coverage would vindicate me! I just wish you guys were around in 1982, when the media gave me a hard time over Sabra and Shatila. If we had Al Jazeera then, people would have heard my side of the story.”

Sharon’s glee was put to the test by Frost’s energetic, no-holds-barred interviewing style (who can forget Frost-Nixon?), as the veteran host reminded Sharon that he, like Rumsfeld, didn’t previously hold the network in such high esteem. Frost added that the network faced criticism over two recent wars involving Israel, in Lebanon in 2006 and the month-long Gaza war which began in December 2008:

“Your officials were highly critical of us, and our reporting in Lebanon in 2006 and a few years later in Gaza. They said we showed Israel in a bad light, no matter how hard I tried to explain to them that we too want to see peace in the Middle-East; you were still in a comatose state then Ariel.”

“David, every network needs a maturing phase, and I am delighted that the nation of Israel contributed to your coming of age. Furthermore, that big man, the Director General is gone. He was Khammas. That tall guy who reported in Gaza, good move that you let him go – he was giving voice to the Khammas in Gaza. Now you have a good boy, Cal is it? He shows the true face of teghoh in Sderot, daily, as the Khammas fires ghockets on our schools and kindergartens.”

“On the 9/11 anniversary you had a good guy, Tony, showing the world how our best ally had to cope with teghoh, just as we have had to ever since the Jewish people returned to the land God promised them. So, I say, Sir David, that your station deserves great praise.”

Frost, who called Sharon his ‘good friend’, didn’t hold back his tough line of questioning, asking if the former Israeli prime minister believed the siege on Gaza was justified because it is run by Hamas.

“Okay. Sure,” was the response.

The veteran interviewer also quizzed Sharon about the PLO’s attempts to gain statehood at the UN:

“As a man of peace, do you think that the time is right for a Palestinian state?”

“David, Sir David, no leader did more than I did to give the Palestinians something they could call their own. But when I disengaged from Gaza, what did they give us in return? Flowers? No – Qassam ghockets! So no, I don’t think Abu Mazen is doing the right thing.”

Where the magic happens, baby

Asked if he believes the media is playing a more constructive role in peacemaking in recent times, Sharon cited the current NATO operation to support Libya’s National Transitional Council and the “positive” role the media is playing, as harbingers for a bright future. “Look at Sirte. The NTC and NATO are bombing because there are Gaddafi teghoghists there. I like the way you are reporting on it. It is factual. The bad guys are holding Sirte hostage, because they are teghoghists on Gaddafi’s side. The good guys are bombing and launching attacks to free it. You are not using those stupid words I used to hear when we conducted operations in Gaza and Samaria, “civilian casualties” or “indiscriminate force” or all that nonsense. This is a good sign. We are entering a bright new era in journalism. Aljazeera and Israel, the two Miracles of the Mideast, are showing that that era is here!”

The 83 year old saved his only criticism of the network, mixed in with some trademark charm, in his closing comment, “ohh Sir David,  before I go – the new anchor chick, blonde…Swedish? I don’t like her. Her English needs work, and she reminds me of Tzipi, and you know I don’t like Tzipi. What happened to Maryam Nemazee, the Iranian? She can wipe me off the map any time!”

Gaza Faces Severe Botox Shortage

The narrow strip of Palestinian land that is called the Gaza Strip is facing a severe shortage of botox, according to the Organization of Islamic Corporation (OIC)

Dr. Mansour Mostafa, Gaza’s top plastic surgeon, “If you think about it, it makes perfect sense,” “Israel’s siege is making people age quicker, and with that comes more wrinkles.“ According to several other surgeons interviewed for this this report, Gaza is becoming increasingly more vain and has turned into a chic urban center where pop stars are the trend setters.

The siege is affecting all aspects of life in Gaza. Plastic surgeons and dermatologists complain that the botulinum toxin (botox) available in Gaza does not meet certain health standards.

Nevertheless, the price for botox treatment remains high. The average cost per injection is $150.00, and some doctors, like Dr. Mostafa, see three to four botox patients a week alone. Dr. Mostafa is certainly not complaining. “I used to do hair transplants in DC. Now I’m back in Palestine providing my people with much-needed medical care. It’s a good cause.”

According to several Gaza hospitals, botox is on Israel’s list of materials that are not permitted into the Gaza Strip. According to the IDF’s spokesperson, “Hamas using the primary compound in Botox to create a super Qassam rocket that not only has the capacity to penetrate Sderot’s rooftops, but also do some serious damage to people’s kitchens as well. Here in Israel, we take the security of our people’s kitchens very, very seriously.”

Dr. Mostafa rejects the idea that he is capitalizing on the Palestinians’ suffering. “There is no reason why the people of Gaza should be denied the opportunity to alter their physical appearance,” he said. “We cannot look so sad and broken all of the time, and botox can help make us happy again.”

Ahmad (would not give last name) a patient at the Gaza Plastic Institute clinic, “I am here to get botox”, He told us that he came to this clinic seeking botox treatment “You know summer season is the wedding season out here” He also shared with us that “I need to look good for the big bash once the siege has been lifted”

A number of members of Beautiful People Club where beautiful men and women connect has pledged to ship botox into Gaza as the site plans an expansion in the Mediterranean region.

[Tarboush Tip: Andrew]

You can hate the game, but not the player. While the majority of Arabs support the Palestinian cause and want to see it resolved, there are those Arabs who do not have warm feelings toward Palestinians. Despite this, along with the Arabic language, the Palestinian cause unites most people of Arab descent. Nevertheless, there are groups of Arabs that will forever remain wary of Palestinians. Here they are:

1. The 1975 to 1990 Lebanese: civil war is an ugly business and in Lebanon, the Palestinians are the everlasting punching bag. Now, I’m not saying that some Palestinians didn’t play a divisive role in Lebanon’s civil war, but the Palestinians are definitely Lebanon’s scapegoat. Unfortunately, this will never change until Lebanon’s Palestinian refugees are allowed to either return to Palestine or are given the ability to live dignified, productive, and free lives in Lebanon.
2. The 1990 Kuwaitis: now, I don’t know what the Palestinian leadership was thinking when they supported Saddam Hussein’s invasion of Kuwait. Supporting an occupation or being silent when you see one happening – especially when you have been placed under occupation yourself – won’t help endear anyone to your cause. Despite repeated apologies and a number of initiatives, some Kuwaitis will always remain skeptical of Palestinians.
3. The 1970 Indigenous Jordanians (bedouins): remember when Palestinian militants harassed Jordan’s young king and shook his (corrupt) regime to its core? King Hussein took no prisoners and bombed the hell out of Palestinian refugee camps. Until this day, grudges still exist. It does not help that the Palestinians in Jordan have a superior soccer team that, more often than not, defeats those dirty bedouins.
4. The Naive Arab: he (or she) watches their country’s state-sponsored news and truly believe that their respective despot is doing all he (never she) can to free Palestine, feed the hungry, protect the refugees, and heal the sick (they also walk on water, too!). In reality, all these despots do is talk (sometimes out of their mouths, but mostly from their asses). Yet, these naive Arabs refuse to see their dictators in a negative light, and look forward to the day that they liberate Palestine.
5. The Paranoid Egyptians: now, these people are hilarious. they have no clue of the social and tribal makeups of the areas bordering Palestine, and get freaked out by news of smuggling activities, weapons and drugs tunnels. There are even people in Egypt who believe Hamas is the one closing the Rafah crossing, not the other way around. They tend not to mind that their sworn enemy enters their land with no visa, and would rather look down on those “dirty Gazans.” Of course some of their fears are rational, but paranoia is never helpful.
6. Other Arab Expats: they live around the world alongside many Palestinians, and they envy the Palestinian expats for their success despite all odds. Sure, some Palestinian immigrants can hardly be considered saints, but they are hard workers. These jealous Arabs like to mumble about an existential “affirmative action” policy for Palestinians, and they also believe in some magical “Palestine Card” that exists to prevent Palestinians from being deported (how can you deport someone that doesn’t have a country of origin?). As my grandpa used to tell me, “if the poor takes a large shit, the people would want to know what he had for dinner.”
7. The “Me” First: you know those suit-wearing and soft-spoken Arabs, the ones you find in Palestine and countries bordering historic Palestine. They’re running governments under the banner, “Palestine is complicated, but hey, you can enjoy Mc burgers and fries if you wanna…” They are loved in the West, and they lead their political lives by the motto: let’s dance until the music stops. They cannot stand all the tragic news form the Palestinian territories so they try to make it into the news by making the world’s biggest kabob, bowl of Humus, Flag…etc. This policy is often in place to help cover up for the traitors and uncle toms running the country and opening up casinos for “tourists”. They mistakenly think running countries is like running brothels, something they are very familiar with.

[Tarboush Tip: Andrew]

The highlight is the interview with a Tea Party guru who explains the craziness of Islam as a byproduct of 1500 years on in-breeding.

Vanilla Ice Pose, baby.

Poking fun of mothers in laws never goes out of style. They are like special species that we all try to decode and analyze.  I genuinely love my mother in law — she is a doll — but wives-to-be have it much harder because of the natural competition for the husband/son’s affections.  An important factor for Arab females is how they get along with the Hamatti, which is often Arabic for that person from hell, since Arab men tend to be Mama’s boys.  Mama becomes the standard for spoiled Arab boys who grow up, and Arab mothers tend to never think the wife is as good as she was — a formula for nasty family spats.

In honor of this competition,here are the six types of Arab Mothers in Law the universe has blessed us with (well except for Syrian mothers in law. From what I hear and see in Syrian soap operas, it seems that Syrian mothers in law are a different breed).

1. The Auditor: She is not a bad mother-in-law, she just doesn’t know any better. She lives down the street and appears when you least expect it (like when you’re playing “backgammon” with your husband). She shows up with stuff that your kids threw away and gives you a lecture about it: “In the old country, this would never be OK!” Although she’s definitely your best choice for a babysitter, you shouldn’t let her get too close to your daily routine. The Auditor can never sit still, and she will always find a way to criticize your clothing, cooking, and the way you choose to raise your children – pardon me, her grandchildren. To survive this one, play chicken with her, she may give up.
2. The Friend: She is just grateful that you put away her childish son, the one that gave her a hard time since she spent 12 hours in labor with him 30 years ago. She takes your opinion on her wardrobe and family matters and she respects your educational background (as long as you’re not a veterinarian). She is nice to your mother, and at times she may even appear selfless. She keeps to herself and rarely intrudes. The Friend makes it a point to kill you with kindness. Of course, expect your own mother to become jealous of the buddy-buddy relationship you have with your mother-in-law.
3. The One From Hell: She says evil things like, “When was the last time you even looked at a stair master?” even though she’s 40 pounds overweight. When you try to dish it back out – or at the very least hold her accountable – she plays the health card: “Oh my heart, I only have a few more years to live, Allah sa3adni.” She enjoys authority and loves abusing it (like the time she made you sit at the kid’s table last Eid al-Adha). She spares nothing when insulting your origin – your family is from Homs?? – while conveniently forgetting her own less than stellar roots. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, especially when it comes to food (even though everyone knows that your maklooba blows her shit out of the water). Whatever happens, do not wish her ill and pray an IDF illegal bomb shrapnel will find her way to her foot, but only her foot! Your only recourse is to win your father-in-law’s affection, and pray that he is able to balance out The One From Hell.
4. The Passive Aggressive: She acts like you don’t exist and she only talks to her son (aka your husband). If there’s something important, she only asks for his opinion and ignores you, pretending as if you are unable to intelligently contribute to any conversation. It’s almost as if she sees you as her son’s roommate, someone that he keeps around to help pay for groceries. But, the Passive Aggressive is just trying to figure herself out; her brothers stole her inheritance and her mother never hugged her enough when she was a child. Your best bet is to scream into a pillow, take Mary Jane as a mistress, or find an excuse to relocate to Alaska.
5. The Indifferent: She is too busy with her own life and doesn’t have time to worry about you let alone your children. She’s pleasant, but don’t expect her to put down her Blackberry when she’s talking to you…or to offer to help you prepare Sunday dinner. She does an excellent job distancing herself from everyone around her, and never drops by to say hello – unless of course she needs something from her son. She has a career of her own, and half a dozen other daughters-in-law, so you don’t really matter to her that much. However, take caution: this may change the moment you have children. The Indifferent will work harder to get close to you and eventually to her grandchildren.
6. The One That Wants To Outdo You: She thinks she is hotter, more chic, and younger than you. She even wears Apple Bottom jeans cause she thinks she has more swag than you. Everyone knows that her nose, lips, and cheeks are fake, but they don’t dare say anything for fear of having rumors spread abin the past year, but they choose to ignore but they all fear to tell her that to her face to they let her live on her own never land. God forbid cook anything in the microwave; she will never let you forget how you tried to poison her son and grandchildren, and she will be at your house every night insisting on cooking your family dinner. She is the alpha female of the house and she will mark her territory with droplets of your pride. Don’t try to marginalize her or downplay what she says. With the One That Wants to Outdo You, it’s all about the games you play.

[Tarboush Tip: Andrew]

Signers of the letter indicated being horrified at the news coverage when they tuned to CNN to watch the royal wedding, instead they found news coverage dominated by their plight and shocking images of their harrowing ordeal as they were besieged and bombarded in the city of Duraa by the Syrian army.

More than 400 people have lost their lives to sniper fire and army shelling since the uprising started.

“We offer our deepest apologies to the royal family for distracting from this majestic occasion. We never intended on hogging the spotlight, nor did we anticipate that our inconsequential rebellion would be belligerently used by the mainstream media to distract attention away from the nuptials of his Royal Highness Prince William,” said the letter addressing Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth III.

“We were in deep awe this afternoon when we finally were able to locate a small electric generator to power a TV set on which we could watch the wedding ceremony –our city has been without power since the siege started some two weeks ago-, only to find out that CNN completely ignored the wedding, providing deep, insightful analysis of our predicament instead. Had we known our protests would be exploited in this shameless fashion, we would have at least halted our protests and asked the army to life the siege for a few days” the authors elaborated.

This letter comes only two days after a similar one sent by freedom protesters in Bahrain, apologizing for causing their Crown Prince to miss the wedding ceremony. “We are deeply sorry for casting a blemish on your day of happiness by making it inexpedient for our crown prince to share this moment with you. It was never our intention, and had we known –as you know, we do not have access to media except for state TV-, we would have chosen a better timing for our uprising.” Said the letter signed by a representative group of protesters at the square where a pearl statue once stood.

The Buckingham Palace could not be reached for comment as the staff were “preoccupied”, according to the person who picked up the phone.

To stay in power, experts say, a leader has to stay hot. Once they’re no longer in, they’re out.

To stop from going crazy, you frightened dictators out there should stay busy staying HOT. Staying active, out there doing stuff, is key to avoiding insanity or a quick toppling. Do not be perceived as being aloof or just waiting. That is not cool. Plus, as they say, idle hands are the devil’s playground.

So here is what today’s Arab autocrat can do before and during protests to prevent the unpleasant revolution from being successful.

1. Breath in/breath out. Remember, you are alive. They haven’t murdered you yet. The dead man walking look — a la Hosni Mubarak — is, pardon the pun, a nail in the coffin. So breath hard, breath deep, even if you’re on the phone with state media.
2. Appear defiant and the man against all odds, even if you risk appearing out of touch. Everyone loves an underdog, even if that underdog jails dissidents, has a huge net worth and controls the country’s military. One way to do that is by pointing out in list fashion all the even more powerful foreign threats that want you out because of how awesome you are for the country.  Work hard to push this line even if you and I both know it’s a load of shit.
3. Issue a press release condemning Iran/ the Weather channel/ Saudi Arabia/ Al Qaeda/ Facebook/ the Crusaders/ the United States/ Canadian mounties/ Online gambling/ Al Jazeera/ the Jews/ Niqab-wearers. Mix and match, have fun with it. Keep bringing up new enemies of the state, it makes your regime look busy.
4. Take a tour of some abandoned part of town filled with people on your payroll cheering you on because it’s freaking awesome and everyone always falls for it.
5. Hire that Haifa Wahbe music video director to make you look good and youthful.  Techno-Arabic-pop music is a must. Make a pick on who’s your favorite singer on  Star Academy nominate , and ask people to vote for him/her.
6. Put your cash into gold faster than a Glenn Beck groupie. Make sure gold is somewhere else so that the people don’t get it. Cash you do not convert should be very well-hidden in your mansion. By the way, if your cash has your photo on it, save some because that is freaking awesome in other contexts.
7. Get your presidential tailor to get you as many highly customized suits as possible. They could take everything but why take suits that only fit you! Plus you can demand keeping them in exchange for surrender.

   
   

8. Re-shuffle the cabinet several times. Just take the Minister of the Interior have him switch with the Foreign Minister. Then abolish the Ministry of Silly Walks, only to rename it with the same Minister the following week.  This is great busy work, can be re-done endlessly and vaguely resembles actual reform.
9. Phone calls. Phone calls. Phone calls. Cell phones – NO. Ornate, official-looking land-line phones – YES. And get your picture taken making them, or else there was no damn point.
10. Visit some other country or send a high-ranking official to show you are still in control. The risk is you get overthrown or your dignitary defects. But screw it, send the dignitary  You can always kill the defectors family if he or she leaves. Hot means getting the last laugh.
11. Demolish national monuments that protests take place at. It really looks like you’re doing something when you are not…. at all.
12. Change your mind often. Offer reforms, take them away. Promise to resign one day, break it the next. Flip-flopping can be made to look like actual strategy. The fact it is not does not matter at all. It’s essentially saying, I’m way too hot to touch.
    
13. Speeches. The more speeches the better. Do not make any that sound like your last though, such as a crazy meandering tirade, or at least one that is more crazy than your norm. That is very much NOT HOT.
14. Do normal stuff at first. Walk around, sit in gaudy French furniture, giggle with other dudes in suits.  Let the people see you absolutely have no sense of anything happening, so they think nothing is. Then when the coercion starts and everyone gets a sense something it happening, go bat shit nuts, over-state the threat, and sharpen repression.
15. Practice your remorse face. When your forces kills protesters it is vital you look apologetic, actually sad, even as you deny any responsible whatsoever.  Don’t think this tip matters? It could mean the difference between being Ben Ali or being Bashar.
16. Play around with social media filtering and false flag operations.  You have no plan, really, but you know social media revolutions are totally in this season. Do not look lost in the Arab Spring by missing the chance to molest Facebook somehow.
    
17. Offer your useless endorsement of other equally embattled and doomed dictators.  It will be super moving.

Remember despots, stay active or eat it hard.

[Tarboush Tip: Will]